Thanks for the Socks
by Moose on mars
Summary: After Draco Malfoy shows up unexpectedly at Privet Drive, the consequent school year holds many dramatic changes. Extreme parody and hardcore absurdity.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these wonderful characters... I owned them once, but lost them all in a pyramid scheme.

This was published in 2005, and I'm doing some renovations. Don't worry, nothing too big - just to make it readable. Let me know how it flowsssssss

* * *

Here goes nothing...

Harry was back at the Dursley's for summer. He had already been there for about a week, and the Dursley's had left him by himself for the most part. His friends had all written him quite a bit in that short span of time, which was comforting as the memory of Sirius' death was still fresh in his mind. He had finally managed to convince himself it wasn't entirely his fault, but he still had along way to go.

He bit his lip as he read over Hermione's last letter promising to come and get him as soon as she could. He smiled, folded the parchment, and stuck it under the loose floorboard. Harry stood up and scratched his head trying to remember where he had placed his Barry Manilow CD.

"It can t have gotten far!" he whined impatiently to the empty room.

"Oh yeah…"

He suddenly remembered it was still in the CD player. When Harry arrived at number four Privet Drive, the Dursley's had been kind enough to give him Dudley's old CD player as a bribe to keep the Order away. Mind you, it was completely and utterly unable to be fixed in the muggle world, as Dudley had ran it over with the car on accident three times.

How a substantial sized stereo somehow wound up under the wheel of Vernon's car was beyond Harry, but he didn't voice this thought. As usual, Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia bought Dudley the new, more expensive stereo system he'd wanted, and Harry received the smashed pieces of the old one taped together with scotch tape. Normally, it would have gone out with the trash, but feeling inventive, he sent it to the Order (i.e. Lupin) to do a simple _reparo_ charm.

His plan worked out beautifully; though the CD player still looked as if it had been run over and taped together, it worked almost as good as new. He managed to go through all of Dudley's and Vernon's CDs while they were out to tea at the Polkisses. He returned with a plethora of music and hoped they wouldn't notice they were missing. Amongst the stolen merchandise was: Cher, Barry Manilow, Shania Twain (from Dudley's collection), Maria Carey (from Vernon's), and a Metalica album (he suspected was Aunt Petunia's).

Just as he was pushing play, there was a loud knock on the door. Harry jumped two feet in the air, screamed like a girl, and pushed stop. Uncle Vernon came crashing through the door causing a substantial dent in the wall where the doorknob had hit it.

"Oh, its just you. I thought you had some girl in here," Vernon said hastily. "I'm having a very important business dinner tomorrow night, and uh, I thought it best..."

He was interrupted by portion of the dry wall crumbling down onto his feet leaving a three foot long hole in the wall. Vernon tried to ignore the rubble at his feet and pressed on, "…And I thought it best if you stayed up here, and pretended you didn't exist again…" Though the last part sound more like a question.

"Err, all right," Harry replied, desperately trying not to look at the CD player.

"Excellent," Vernon grinned wildly, but then his expression changed as he spotted the wall or rather lack there of. "And do something with that wall while your up here, fix it or something I don't know," he barked as he was leaving, and marched down the stairs rather loudly.

Harry shrugged and closed the door. He wondered who was coming over for dinner and decided to go eavesdrop.

He changed into a black t-shirt and pants, but he had to go to Aunt Petunia's room for the stockings. _Excellent_, he thought as he chose lacy white pair imprinted with roses. He scrambled down the stairs, in what he deemed was silent, though it sounded rather like stampede of elephants or Dudley was coming down the stairs. He could hear the voices of the Dursley's in the kitchen from the hallway, and felt rather silly wearing a disguise he didn't need. Regardless, he scrambled under the coffee table in the living room for cover.

"Petunia, this is one of the most important deals of my career. Even more important than the one the freak show upstairs ruined," Vernon's voice drifted in from the other room.

"Oh! We'll need that boy to clean up round here, but everything else is set, of course," Harry heard Petunia's voice interrupted by a large belch he assumed was issued by Dudley.

"Dudder-lumpkins, your father is serious," Petunia simpered.

"Your mother is quite right, I need you on your best behavior, Champ. I think they have a boy your age, so you'll have someone to chat to," Vernon reasoned.

"FINE!" Dudley bellowed.

Harry decided he didn't want to be caught under the table wearing a pair of Aunt Petunia s stockings on his head, and made his way back up the stairs.

The next day Harry was given a list of tasks he had to accomplish in order to be fed that day. He finished all of them around 4:30. Petunia handed him a block of cheese and a box of plain cereal Petunia had failed trying to feed Dudley on his way upstairs. He showered and then sat on his bed for a bit devouring the cheese. Harry decided to take Hedwig out of her cage, and dressed her up in a small dress he had made in his spare time. One of Harry's and Hedwig's favorite activities was dress up. Over the summer he usually made a couple of outfits for her and gave them to her for Christmas. Occasionally, he would make a couple for himself. Humming a quiet tune, he was just zippering up the back of one of Aunt Petunia's dresses he had 'liberated', when he heard Vernon yell up the stairs.

"They're here! Boy, remember what I said!"

"Okay!" Harry yelled back. _God, _he thought, _can't they just leave me alone for one second!_ He ran over to the window clipping on an earring he had found in Petunia's jewelry box. Upon fastening the other on his ear, Harry casually peered out the window, and nearly fainted. The last family he thought would ever come to dinner at the Dursley's were now walking up the front walk.


	2. expect the unexpected

Here are just a few thank you's:

A big thanks to everyone who reviewed, namely:

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Thanks for taking time to review!

* * *

And off we go...

Harry stared down at the family making their way up the front walk. _I wonder who they are_, Harry thought. And then his brain kicked in. He began to scream at the top of his lungs, pulling off the dress frantically. Harry was not a drag queen, he was just a very bored, very confused teenage boy.

"BOY!" Uncle Vernon's voice rang out angrily from the living room.

"Sorry!" Harry bellowed back, flapping wildly caught in one of the sleeves. Seconds later the doorbell rang.

_What am I going to do! _he thought. _Nothing, why should I do anything? Nothing is wrong. There's only the family of the Death Eater that tried to kill me downstairs. What are they doing at the Dursley's house, of all people? Why would the Dursley's let them of all people into their home! THE WORLD AS I KNOW IT IS ENDING!_

Trying not to panic, Harry sighed and lay down on his bed, contemplating the situation or lack there of. Suddenly seized by a thought, he jumped up, pulled out some parchment, and began scribbling away a note to the Order alerting them to the fact that the Malfoy's just showed up at his house for a business dinner with his Uncle. He also included that Vernon's occupation had something to do with drills. Hedwig, still in the dress, flew off with the letter. Harry walked across the room to turn on some Cher, when he remembered the dinner party downstairs. Instead he just satisfied himself by humming a couple of songs rather loudly, hoping the Durley's downstairs wouldn't hear.

Harry looked over at the crumpled dress on the floor and wondered when he in fact began "borrowing" Aunt Petunia's dresses. He had spent most of the summer stalking one of the new neighbors across the street. Harry had never met her, and the Dursley's had wanted to keep it that way. She was very pretty, and they thought she was an excellent match for Dudley. Harry laughed aloud at the thought of anyone voluntarily dating Dudley, and went back to humming loudly.

He was humming so loudly that he had not heard the sound of someone coming up the steps. Nor did he hear what would have been an oddly familiar voice say, "What the fuck?" whilst standing outside with his ear pressed to Harry's door.

Harry's door slowly opened. Harry looked up still humming.

"Oh, it's you," Harry said with distaste.

"Is this some kind of joke? If it is, its not very funny," Draco said in amazement, certainly not expecting Harry Potter behind the door.

"I was just wondering that myself," Harry said, looking at the other boy incredulously.

"What are you doing here?" Draco questioned him, following with a bit of a confused glare only one of the Malfoys could do successfully.

"Ditto. I live here," replied Harry, who was now beginning to stress eat. He grabbed the box of the cereal and began to crunch noisily on its disgustingly cardboard-like contents.

"Why aren't you downstairs then? Hmm?" Draco said airily.

"What is this? The Spanish Inquisition?" Harry asked back defensively.

Draco was about to say something, but he was abruptly cut off by a bunch of people pouring out of Harry's closet wearing red robes and hats murmuring something along the lines of, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."

"Honestly," Harry said with frustration, "I thought I told you lot to clear out. I let them spend the night, and then they end up living in my closet."

Harry sighed, opened the window, and motioned for them all to leave. Reluctantly, all of them climbed out the window, and down the side of the Dursley's house. Draco was apparently still in shock.

"Sooooooo, what are the Malfoy's doing here?" Harry asked taking advantage of Draco's state.

"Business, something about drills. I don't think father has any idea you live here." Draco said without any emotion or expression.

"Right, and _I'm_ supposed to believe my enemy. Muahaha, you can't fool me!"

"I'm not your enemy," Draco seemed to return back to normal, though his reply seemed far from it.

Harry looked disbelievingly at Malfoy when he continued.

"I just can't stand you."

"I'm not exactly in love with you either, Malfoy. Oh, and aren't you going to be missed from the fiesta downstairs? I don't think your father will be too happy if he found out you were up here having a charming conversation with me. Oh, have you met my cousin?" Harry grinned, and Malfoy began to snicker.

"He's a bit hard to miss, isn't he?" Malfoy replied, and then he realized Harry was laughing too. " Why are you laughing? He's your cousin."

This caused Harry to continue laughing, and Malfoy got the impression that Harry wasn't too fond of Dudley.

"I have about 15 minutes before they start to get suspicious or worried, I told them I wasn't feeling well," Malfoy continued, still somewhat absent mindedly, " I dont think they'll notice before then."

"Well you're certainly not staying in my room for that long," Harry said indignantly.

"Potter, I'd rather stay in Weasley's room for 2 hours than go back down there with that… ugh," Malfoy shuddered.

"Try living with him for most of your life. What makes you think I'd let a prat like you stay here for longer that a minute?"

"I'll help you with potions, anything, I don't want to go near that whale again. He keeps staring at me, trying to talk to me about how good he is at his muggle school, and occasionally he kicks me under the table! I think suggestively but I'm not sure. Stop laughing!"

Harry was doubled over trying not to laugh, but it was hopeless.

"Fine, you can stay here, if you promise not to bother me or my friends at school next year."

"Fine, deal. You can't say a word about this either or I'll break my promise." The two boys shook hands, and Harry sat down on the bed.

"So what do you want to do? It's not like I have any interesting things to do in here, I guess we could play a card game, or chess, or something," Harry shrugged.

"What? Fine, whatever. Chess."

* * *

Forever and Always,

Moose


	3. Dudley Dash

A rather large thanks to everyone who reviewed:

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I love hearing from you all. I'm not sure if this chapter is as good as the previous, but I'll let you decide for yourselves. I'll try to update weekly! And without further interruptions I give you Dudley Dash...Enjoy!

-

"all right, chess it is. Draco. Heh. Heheheheh."

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Potter."

"Oh, Nothing, I don't have a wizard chess set, so we'll have to use a muggle one. Hahahahaaa."

"And your point is?" _He's out of his goddamn mind. And then again, so am I. After all I am in Potter's room, but that isn't my fault. That would be father's fault and his need to build a super top secret concealed underground dark arts and Lord Voldeymort center aka a hole in the ground under our house._ _What a stupid git, hehehee_- Draco's running stream of thoughts in his head was interrupted by Harry.

"Whaaatt? I thought you HATED muggles and their things!"

"Right now, I'm sitting on Harry Potter's bed in the home of the most muggle-like people I have ever met. A little chess won't be a problem."

"Ok, I'll just set it up then. I call pink!"

"What! Pink, Potter?"

"Yeah, I painted them pink and purple. You can have purple, the actually color is lavender moon, but for all intensive purposes we'll call it purple."

"..."

"Ok, you go first. Ladies first, after."

"I'm going to ignore that last remark, Potter, as I'm not the one who painted my chess set pink and purple."

"Grr"

"Did you just growl at me?" _He's definitely out to lunch, permanently. _

"Err, yes? It's your turn."

"Checkmate. God, Potter, that's pathetic. I won within two minutes. Now what?"

"I don't know, Malfoy, it's not my job to entertain you. You showed up in my room." Harry said indignantly.

"Fine, Potter, I'm going. Happy?"

"Yes, very much so. Wonderful meeting you here. I hope you're life is filled with joy and prosperity." Harry said with a large portion of sarcasm. Harry watched Malfoy stand up and exit, closing the door quietly behind himself. _Well, that was productive. Not._

Malfoy was not gone more than five minutes before he burst through Harry's door.

"Hide me! Quickly!" He whispered urgently, attempting to close the the door behind him.

Harry pushed him into the large hole in the drywall in Harry's room. The hole in the wall had opened up a rather large cavern of space inside the walls of the Dursley home. Harry then sprinted down the hallway, closed the bathroom door, and dashed back into his room. Panting, he closed the door softly behind himself. Ten seconds later, someone hammered on the door. Not bothering to wait for an answer, Dudley sauntered in.

"Hey, freak show, have you seen my friend? I don't suppose he would even go near you, but I can't seem to find him anywhere," Dudley commanded as he peered around Harry's room. "I don't even want to know what you do in here, playing chess by yourself? Oh yeah, I forgot, you don't have any friends to play chess with. Anyway, did you see my friend?"

"Are you sure you didn't eat him?" Harry said innocently.

"Shut up or I'll tell mother you're picking on me again."

"All right, all right. I think I heard footsteps going to the bathroom, and a bit of groaning. I don't think you're friend was feeling too well."

"What did you do to him!" As fun as it was to torment Dudley, it probably was not a good idea as long as the two families that hated him most were congregating.

"Nothing, I swear. I mean it, I was sitting here playing chess that's all I've been doing. Honest."

"All right," Dudley said suspiciously,"He did say he wasn't feeling well like 20 minutes ago." Dudley waddled out of the room, not bothering to close Harry's door. Harry closed it, and poked his head into the hole in the wall. If he was right, across the small space in the hole in wall, the bathroom was located next door to this "new room." It wasn't big, about the size of a large closet. He heard Dudley hammering on the bathroom door.

"Drake? Drake? You in there?"

"Draco, go across to the other side, and yell through the wall that you're not feeling well." Harry whispered.

Draco nodded and yelled into the wall as Harry had told him.

"Oh. Well, come get me when you feel better. I'll be in my room." Harry heard Dudley bellow.

"Ok." Draco squeaked, and Harry began to laugh at Draco's reaction to Dudley.

"So, back so soon?" Harry asked Draco as they stepped out of the hole.

"That, that boy. Ugh."

"Oh, come on. You can tell me what happened, love." Harry said with mock sympathy, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Don't ever call me love again, Potter, or I swear you'll be the last person you'll say that to."

"Sorry, darling," Harry replied grinning.

"Potter, I'm warning you-"

"All right, all right,"

"I go downstairs, everyone's done with dinner. That fat boy, his dad said we could run off to play or something because the deal would take a while, another hour or something. So naturally, not wanting to be around those muggles for another minute took off. The fat boy followed me into the living room bragging about something or other, and suggested a wrestling match." Harry was now doubled over on the floor laughing.

"Shut up, Potter, it's not funny. I ran as fast as I could out of there, and into your room."

Harry stopped laughing, realizing he would be spending the next hour or so with Malfoy. _Great, just great. I help him out with Dudley, and this is what I get-_

"Potter, would you care to explain why you have 3 pairs of high heels in your room?" Malfoy was looking at him with an expression of delight and extreme amusement. Apparently for Malfoy, Christmas had come early.

"Er, Uh, Aunt Petunia keeps some of her extra things in my room," Harry manage to blurt out,"Yeah, why else would I have these dresses." Apparently Draco bought it because he didn't manage to hide the look of complete and utter disappointment across his face.

"Oh," To say Draco was disappointed was an understatement. He would have thoroughly enjoyed writing to _Witch Weekly_ and_ The Daily Prophet_, not to mention encouraging rumors at Hogwarts.

"So what do you want to do now?" Harry asked, recovering from his rival almost discovering his summer pastime, "We could play cards?"

"Boring," Draco drawled, "how about if we do it for something like a bet."

"Oh," Harry said, but Malfoy replied before he could think of anything.

"How about the winner dresses the loser up in these wonderful outfits." Harry was amused, after, it was Draco himself who suggested it.

"You're on!" Harry said determinedly, getting the chance to see Draco Malfoy in a dress was an opportunity to priceless to pass up.


	4. Twisted Knickers

Hello my lovelies! Nice to see you all review, thank you!

**Strawberries and napkins**

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Hopefully this one is as good as the first two, I think it is, but we'll see. Sorry they're short, but I get excited and post. So, without further ado...

**Twisted Knickers**

-

Unfortunatley for Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter has extraordinary talent in Go Fish. Malfoy had lost within 20 minutes, and Harry was laughing on the floor. Malfoy was sporting Aunt Petunia's salmon pink cocktail dress, and her thigh high boots with 4 inch heels. Harry was rifling through the closet when Lucius Malfoy burst in.

"Oh, Draco, this is where you are. Are you wearing my boots again? Have you seen Mrs. Dursley's dresses? They're fantastic! And where's Dumpling?"

"Ummm. We're playing hide and go seek. I don't think these are yours, I found them in the closet?" Draco's voice raised to a squeak, but apparently Lucius hadn't seen Harry.

"Oh, you are so smart, Draco. A disguise! Muhahahah, you are truly my spawn."

"Erg? Oh right, of course. I didn't think that rotund fool would recognize me. Yes, that is it. Yes."

"Once the Britney Spears center for the Dark Arts is completed, we'll have a party for you. I get to choose the theme, YAy!" Lucius closed the door behind himself and pranced down the stairs. Harry fell out of the closet with a bunch of hats. He placed a humungous sombrero on Malfoy's head. Harry sniggered, and Mafoy sighed and sank down onto a chair.

"That's it, I'm getting out of this right now, though it is rather slimming." Malfoy stood up and struggled with the dress, trying to pull it over his head.

"Lemme get it, it's got a zipper, you dolt," Harry said hurriedly as he stood up to help Malfoy.

"I got it, Potter," Malfoy said testily, but after a few minutes of struggling he resigned. "Fine."

Harry quickly yanked the zipper down and stomped back over to the bed he was sitting on. _Now what?_ _I don't know what we're gonna do, Malfoy is not being completely insufferable. Maybe we can carry on a normal conversation for once. Sounds like a good idea._

"So your Dad's buying drills for the evil Grandaddy of the world?" _Oops, _Harry thought, _ this couldn't be farther from a civil conversation. Kinda blurted than one out, didn't I?_

"No, he's buying some to donate to muggles, you twat. Of course he's buying them for evil purposes, though he hasn't been the same since he's been going to mother's knitting club."

"Oh, so have you spoken to anyone from school this summer?"

"No, I dont think Crabbe and Goyle know how to write, and Pansy hasn't spoken to me since she started dating Goyle to make me jealous."

"Did it work?" Now that the conversation was rather casual, Harry was rather interested. They would have girl talk, and then Malfoy could sleep over. Harry got up and began to paint his nails, while listening to Malfoy.

"Muahahah. Not at all, Made me a bit nauseated though. Potty, what ARE you doing?" Malfoy turned to look at Harry, who had blue tempera paint all over his hands.

"I don't know." Harry said as he realized what he was doing. He washed his hands in Hedwig's water bowl and then dried them on her. Hedwig bit him and then flew out the window, still open from the Spanish Inquisition's rapid exit. Harry looked out the window, and saw the Inquisition trying to convince the neighbor's to let them in. Malfoy silently walked up behind Harry who had his head half way out the window.

"Boo," Malfoy whispered.

"Gah, Shit!" Harry cursed as he jumped and hit his head on the top of the open window. "Goddamn, that hurt!" Harry held his head in pain and looked angrily at Malfoy. Harry grabbed Malfoy's hand and bit it hard. Malfoy yelped in pain.

"What the fuck did you do that for!" Malfoy yelled.

"Now we're even."

"!"

"What? It's true."

"You bit me!"

"Would you rather I threw my shoe at you?"

"No!" _Ok, ok_, Malfoy thought, _This is getting stranger and stranger, but I can handle this. Remember what the yoga master said, " Always wear clean underwear, you never know what's gonna happen." All right, but that's not relevant. Let's pretend that never happened. Yes._

_Muahahah, _Harry thought,_ I bit Malfoy. He tasted yummy. WHAT? Well, he did. Fine. So should I bite him again? Errrm, No?_

"So how's the weather?" Harry and Draco said in unison. Just then, an owl swooped into Harry's window. Harry undid the note and stared down at the it, which was a response from the note Harry had sent to the Order about the Malfoy's.

**Dear Harry,**

**We have recieved your letter informing us about the arrival of the Malfoy's. This is excellent timing as we were worried that Voldz wouldn't get our Disco Dance party invitation, perhaps you could give the Malfoy's the enclosed invitations. You're invited too! It's the Friday of the first week of school in the dungeons, 7 p.m. sharp. Bring your dancing shoes! Much Love, **

**Dumbley**

Harry stared down at the letter, worried that he didn't have any dancing shoes. Perhaps he could borrow some of Petunia's or maybe they may have some nice ones in Diagon Alley. "Umm, this is for you, and I think you're supposed to give this to your dad to give to umm 'Voldz'." Harry handed Malfoy two envelopes, one with "The Malfoy Family" written neatly on the front, and one with "Voldeymort!" written in girly handriting with hearts.

"Oh. All right, but what's this about? It isn't hexed or anything, is it?" Malfoy looked down at the envelopes curiously. "Umm, I dont think so. I think it's an invitation to a Disco Dance party. I'm invited, so I don't think it's a set up." Harry was just as confused as Malfoy. After Harry had thrown all of Dumbledore's belongings around his office at the end of last year, Dumbledore had gone a bit more off the deep end, so to speak. Rather hurt, Dumbledore had turned to an old aquaintance for advice, which could explain his odd behavior.

"I suppose I'm invited too, as it's addressed to all my family. I wonder who else is going, maybe some of father's friends are going as Uncle Voldy is going."

"I knew it, you dark bastard!" Harry burst out of nowhere, he was feeling rather emotional today as a lot had happened, "you're a Death Eater!" Before Harry could continue with his accusations, Malfoy interrupted. "I'm not a Death Eater, I will never be. I'm in love with someone related to muggles, I refused to become one. Somehow, my father understands and gave some excuse to the Dark Lord."

"Really?" Harry was amazed at Malfoy.

"Hhaha, no. I wouldn't give up my life for some muggle, but I'm not a Death Eater. Father said he needed me to go to work and earn money. He wants me to go into the Ministry, I'm sort of a fundraiser for the Death Eaters. He doesn't want the Ministry to arrest me incase anything happens, because they need the money. Since their last three plans didn't work, their funds are a bit low. They tried to do a play to raise some money together,"

Draco continued, and Harry could tell this was an emotional subject for Malfoy. "but Nott kept stealing Donahue's costume. I mean, with 30 Death Eater masks under the costumes, it gets a bit confusing. Ever since that BBC special on cults and how they can take all your money, no one wants to delve into their own pockets to support the Dark Lord. Times are getting tough, but I think they'll pull through, ..."

"What play?"

"A Midsummer Nights Dream," Draco replied somberly.

"Oh, that's one of my favorite," Harry replied in an equally quiet tone.

Just then, Michael Phillips, who happened to be sitting in the corner opposite the bed said, "Are you two done being emotional? I wanna see some snogging!" "Who the hell are you?" Harry nearly yelled, but then remembered the group assembled downstairs. "I'm Michael, and this isn't the performance, is it?" Michael replied suddenly confused.

"Er, no... How long have you been here?" Harry asked nervously. "Umm, I came in right after you called him a Death Eater. Damn, it was just getting good. Well, I suppose I better be off and try to find the performance." Michael dissapparated with a crack.

"Well, that was strange. Does that normally happen here?"

"Nope. Wonder what he was talking about though."

"You know, I bet the Death Eaters were putting on another performance. That would explain why father was being so pissy on the way here. He nearly had a tempertantrum, but mother gave him a lollly."

"Quick thinking," Harry said, his thoughts were elsewhere as he stared off into space. _Malfoy seemed nice enough, and he just admitted all that about the Death Eaters. I mean, we've tolerated eachother this long, what's another 30 years or until one of us dies. _

"Hey Malfoy, do you mind if I bite you again?"

"No, not at - AHHHH, of course I do. Don't you dare!" Harry was giggling on the floor again. Malfoy scowled at him, but truth be told he was slightly turned on. I mean, who knew Potter was this kinky.

"I was just kidding, you don't have to get your knickers all in a twist," Harry was still laughing, but not at Malfoy's initial reaction, but at the fact that Malfoy was looking a bit dissapointed. "Unless you like them that way you saucy fellow." Harry was half kidding.

P.S : I've started a C2 community. It's basically for Draco - Harry comical slash. If you would like to be a staff member, that would wonderful. Also, if you wanted to recommend a story that would be fantastic and much appreciated as I'm trying to get my act together.

Until next time, my lovely muffins,

3 Moose


	5. The Sleepover

_**The Sleepover**_

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But before we get down to business, I have a few announcements:

**1)** Thank you to everyone who gave me some DracoHarry stories to check out for the C2. They were much appreciated.

**2) **If anyone else wants to be a staff member of my C2, I d be very much obliged.

**3)** More stories please! These stories have to be laugh out loud funny, because that s what my C2 is about.

LOVE IT? WANT SOME MORE OF IT? REVIEW, REVIEW AND I REDO

Right, let's be off now, shall we?

Draco, like many times previously, decided to ignore Harry s last comment. Namely, calling him a saucy fellow. To ignore the comment was one thing, but to ignore the look Potter was giving him was another. Harry was trying to be sexy, failing miserably. He was waggling his eyebrows and grinning maniacally.

"Erm, Potter, I don't think that's your desired look." Harry looked rather disappointed, but didn't take it to heart and quickly changed the subject.

"So what do you reckon this dance party, uh, thing is about?" Harry asked Malfoy.

"I think you would know that old codger better than I," Malfoy replied. Harry was deep in thought, and came to. He looked up and told Malfoy what was on his mind.

"Dumbledore and Voldemort appear to be becoming close," He said blandly

"Gee, Potty, that was quick of you. Didn't you notice the invitations to the dance party?" Harry realized his epiphany was about 20 minutes late, and was crestfallen.

"Oh. That explains it. I m bored. Let s play truth or dare." Harry said despondently.

"But we always play truth or dare, then we end up snogging, and falling in love, and getting preggers, and married," Draco supposed, disgusted.

"Oh. Right, I forgot… I just wanted to ask what boots your father was talking about. Wait, we can't get preggers, we're both guys!"

"Yes, I know, Potter. I mean, one would think we shouldn't be able to. But this is wizard land, so anything goes, wizard land is run by crazy bitches. That's why we're here."

"Oh. Lets stay away from truth or dare then," Harry suggested. Draco agreed. Malfoy certainly did not want to start out a friendly enough truth or dare session and then wind up married, calling Harry love muffin and vice versa. He shivered visibly at the thought. Just then Lucius voice carried up the stairs. Draco, son, Narcissa is leaving! If you want to go home now you...Ooops too late, she s already gone. I guess I'll have the pleasure of escorting you home later."

"Oh no!" Draco whined, "I'll never get home! It's dark out, and Daddy s afraid of the dark. He'll get scared, and he'll run down some random street. Before we know it, we'll be lost in the middle of some muggle city with no one we know!"

"Don t you think you're overreacting? Harry asked Draco.

"No! It's happened seven times before!" Draco was looking extremely distraught, getting lost in any city was always stressing, let alone a muggle one.

"Well, you can stay the night here, Harry said with as little disgust as he could manage as he gestured around his room, accenting the hole in the wall, the peeling wallpaper, and the suspiciously sandy floor, "You can send a letter to your mum in the morning to pick you up here, and tell your Dad you're going home now. So you don't have to deal with his night terrors."

"As much as I'd like to disagree, that probably will work," Draco said sounding relieved, the truth is he was on the verge of crying about wandering around lost in an unknown city again with his useless Dad. The last time, it took Narcissa three days to find them. It didn't help that Lucius kept going into these weird stores with men in dresses in them.

Just then, Hedwig swooped in the window. Harry told Draco to the letter and threw paper and pen at him. Draco picked up the pen and looked at it. What am I supposed to do with this? Poke someone? No, you prat, take the top part off and write. Like this. Harry was snickering at having to show Draco how to use something as simple as a pen. Malfoy for some reason was blushing a bit, and then Harry realized he was holding Malfoy's hand.

"Oops," Harry said rather stupidly, and Draco started to write:

_Dear Mum,_

_I've decided to spend the night at that muggle family's house, as Father will be hopeless getting me home in the dark. Could you feed Fluff muffin for me and tell him that Mother Dracokins lurrrvves him? Thanks._

_Sincerely,_

_Draco_

_P.S. Could you pick me up from this place in the morning? Preferably soon._

Harry attached the note to the now blue Hedwig, when another owl flew in the window. It was Errol. Ron was using the owl to send love letters to Hermione, and he just kept delivering mail to the one address he knew. Pig was out delivering love letters from Ron as well to Hermione, and Ron used Errol because apparently one owl delivering daily sonnets wasn't enough.

"What's this?" Draco asked picking up the letter, not bothering to ask to look at it. Harry explained that it was a love letter from Ron. Draco looked up as if he had just been electrocuted.

"What?" He said in almost a whisper.

"Ooh, no, they're not to me. They're actually to Hermione, but one of the owls he uses to deliver them to her isn't coherent," Harry said.

Malfoy's shocked expression turned into a devilish grin as he opened the letter. Harry was about to stop him when he remembered that Ron and Hermione hadn't even told him in their letters they were going out. Malfoy began to read Ron's letter out loud as Errol tried to take off through the window that wasn't open. Harry stood up and tossed Errol out the open window. Whether he manage to fly after that defenestration remains to be seen.

_Dear Mione,_

_You are so good to me_

_Like an anemone in the sea_

_I love you always_

_I wish you were hear_

_hahahah he spelled here wrong..._

_so i could hear your beautiful voice_

_I know I have a choice_

_And I choose you_

_Heart, heart, heart, heart, Ronald._

_..._

...

"HAhahahahahahAHhaha," Draco and Harry were rolling around on the floor in hysterics.

Suddenly Draco rolled on a machete, which happened to be in Harry s room on his floor.

"OOOww!" Draco said in pain. There was a bit of a gash on his back.

"Oh dear, I've got a first aid kit in my room in case any Death Eaters try to hurt me, I'll go find it. Ten minutes later Harry emerges from the closet holding a bright orange suitcase. Draco is lying on the floor in a bit of his blood. Harry tells him to take his shirt off so he could clean the wound and wrap it up like a present.

"Err? Never mind," Draco said pulling off his shirt, "And stop giggling this isn't funny. I'm bleeding!"

"You're in my house without a shirt on," Harry reminded Draco before realizing that was a bit of a come on. Draco gave him a weird look before lying down so he could get bandaged.

"All done! Now what do you want to do?"

Harry glanced at the clock, it was about 12:30. Draco then got up opened the door and yelled down to his father, "Dad! I m going home now! Bye! Okay, son, tell your mum I want to make more babies."

"Ugh! I will not tell my mother that," Draco said closing the door. Harry was lying down on the bed, and Draco sat down next to Harry.

"This is weird," he stated.

"Not really," Harry replied. Harry was staring at Draco because he still wasn't wearing a shirt, and had nothing better to do. Draco hit him playfully upside the head.

"Get your mind out of the gutter!"

"Get your mind IN the gutter!" Harry replied grinning. (A/N: Tee Hee) Harry jumped up and tackled Malfoy, and they slid off the bed with a thump. Harry kicked the machete away, wanting to avoid another accident. For then next 2 hours the two testosterone driven teenage boys continued to wrestle. Harry had flipped Malfoy over and was pinning him to the ground. Malfoy was struggling under him and managed to wriggle out from under Harry. He rolled over on top over Harry in turn, pinning him to the ground.

Then Draco leaned down and kissed Harry.

"I won," Draco declared after he sat up.

"I should've known that one was coming, after all my life is filled with nasty cliches. The whole wrestling thing, teenage hormones, and all that fun stuff." Harry said ignoring Draco s last comment. Draco was now sitting on top of Harry, and Harry was lying on the ground.

"Yeah," Draco replied, "I forgot about the whole wrestling one, good thing I could the truth or dare one though. I don't think the wrestling one ends up with us married, but I m not sure."

Harry and Draco climbed back onto the bed. They talked for a bit about trivial stuff before lying down and sleeping.

Harry awoke slowly as the sun crept in through the window. Malfoy's arm was across his chest, and Malfoy himself was pressed against his side. He then realized his other arm was around Malfoy's back. Harry rolled over and onto the floor. Draco jumped up and looked around the room. He then looked down at Harry, remembering where he was. The door bell rang. "Draco, darling, I m here to pick you up!" His mother's voice floated upstairs.

"Erm, Bye?" Harry said not knowing what to do.

"Yeah, Bye, see you in school, I guess," Draco responded. Harry ran over to Draco and gave him a hug, which Draco, surprisingly, half- returned before walking out.

Harry got really moody towards the end of the summer. He now dressed in all black, and had found his way into Petunia's make up drawer. Harry returned, armed with eyeliner. Unfortunately, Harry wasn't too skilled with this, and usually ended up looking like he had smeared substantial amounts of black paint under his eyes. When he got really moody, he yelled at Dudley, who usually hit him. He knew his friends would desert the new, real me. He spent most of his time writing poetry, usually beginning with 'Oh woe is me!'

One day, whilst the Vernon and Petunia were out killing their neighbor's flowers, Dudley let Harry watch a movie with him. It was the Rocky Horror Picture show. Immediately after, Harry set to work making a corset. He failed miserably, but he forgot about his poetry, which he later burned out of shame. He convinced Vernon to give him a ride to King's Cross. He jumped through the barrier, expecting his friends to desert him. He got on the train, stowing his bag, and set about to find a compartment. The first one he went into contained Pansy and Goyle playing some sort of game with leather and whips in their underwear. The second one he walked into contained Crabbe sitting alone crying. Harry didn't even bother to ask, and dashed out into the hallway. He saw Hermione in a leather corset and thigh high boots stomping down the corridor tugging along Ron, who had a spiked collar around his neck.

"Harry!" She squealed.

"Hey mate, How've you been? We've had an, erm, interesting summer, you could say," Ron said.

Harry grinned, threw his stuff in a compartment telling them he'd be right back, and bolted down the corridor to go wash the make up off his face and change into an oversized grey t-shirt.


	6. The Long and Winding Railway

**Disclaimer: **This chapter is especially silly. Muwahaha. Ahem.

**love reviews, and they are always appreciated. A large thank you to all of my wonderful reviewers:**

**HandsOff**: I Lurrrrve Rocky Horror, perhaps it will come in to play in later chapters grins

**Zoomaphonethepirate:**Thanks, sorry about the quote things, hopefully it will be better this time. If there are more problems, I ll see what I can do. Heheh.

**Ashes of Stars:** thanks, hehe

**Sparkling Silver Angel Wings:** Thanks

**Fragonknight01**: That would be most excellent and appreciated.

**Lita-2003:** Hehe, Harry won t end up preggers...yet, that I know of. Heh, it could put an interesting spin on things, indeed.

**GoddessMoonLady:** Heh, yeah this fic is about as random as things can get, and hopefully just as ridiculous!

**...And we begin the journey**:

* * *

_Cue music_

After running to the bathroom, removing his make up, and changing, Harry made his way back to the compartment with Ron and Hermione. Ron was sitting on Hermione's lap. Hermione had finally removed the leash attached to the spiked collar around his neck and was vacantly petting his hair.

"Harry!" She squealed again, "Guess what? I'm head girl! I had no idea that this would happen! I got my letter a couple weeks ago. I meant to tell you before, but I was a little caught up in things, and I didn't really have an owl. Sorry we didn't respond to your first 'I'm all right' message, we didn't get any after that and figured you were fine. _Gosh_, I'm rambling!"

"That's all right Mione, I was fine," Harry said, not really paying attention to either Hermione or Ron.

Draco Malfoy was standing outside their compartment signaling rather inconspicuously to Harry.

"Hey look at Malfoy, that git! He looks like he wants Harry to go to talk to him!" Ron began laughing hysterically, "Ahahaha-ahahaha!" Harry glanced up, nodded at Malfoy, and stood up.

"Umm, I have to go. Err... another bathroom emergency? Yes, that is it. Another bathroom trip. I mean, I have to go to the bathroom. Again. Yes," Harry was pretty sure they bought his story as he slid out of the compartment. _Thank the gods I'm such a good actor, or they would have been able to see that I was really getting up to talk to Draco. Muahahaha._

"I think he left to talk to Malfoy," Ron stated blankly before turning back to Hermione muttering something about extra time to catch up with each other before Harry got back.

Harry, meanwhile, was walking down the corridor looking for Draco. _There he is. WAIT! When we were wrestling, I think he kissed me! _(A/N: OMG) _Oh Gods, h' s looking damn sexy, oh wait, that's Crabbe. Never mind then. Oh look, there he is. I can't believe he did that, took advantage of my hospitality and my inferior wrestling skills. But kissing him was super fun. I might as well give into my raging teenage hormones because this whole denial thing is pointless. Stupid denial. Mmmm. Perhaps we can have another wrestling match in the bathroom..._

"Hey, Pasty Potter," Malfoy said brightly, "Fucking cheering charm my mother put on me before I left for school. See, we got into a fight before I left, and she always has subtle ways of getting even. Silly goose. Anyway, So, how was the rest of your summer?"

"I'VE BEEN WANTING TO KISS YOU AGAIN TOO," Harry yelled before realizing he was speaking aloud, "Oops, never mind, disregard what I said previously. I think I might have said that out of my brain." Harry winced after he realized he just did it again.

"Yeah, mine was good too, Potter. LET'S GET YOU INTO A BATHROOM BEFORE I DO YOU RIGHT HERE IN THE HALLWAY! Oops, I didn't mean to say that. Anyway, I'll see you in the bathroom at 12:30, second door, I mean later. Yes, I'll see you later," Draco said without realizing as well. "Shit," Draco quietly muttered to himself.

"Yes, yes. Second door, 12:30. I mean later," and with that Harry turned abruptly and marched back to Ron and Hermione's compartment without the vaguest idea of what had transpired.

When he got there, Pansy and Goyle were playing the whip game in their underwear with Ron and Hermione, also clad in their underwear. Ron glared at Harry.

"Guys, I think we might want to take this elsewhere," he said before stomping out of the room. Pansy, Goyle, and Hermione shrugged before following Ron out. Harry went out in the hallway again, though not to follow them. If everyone was out of the compartment, he and Draco could do some catching up.

"DRACO MALFOY!" Harry bellowed, scaring some first years in the next compartment. All the way down at the opposite end of the train, a compartment door slid open. Draco stuck his head out, and then sauntered as fast as he could saunter down to Harry's compartment. Harry shut the door behind Draco. He tried to lock it, but soon realized there was no lock, and contented himself with piling Ron and Hermione's trunks in front of it, not realizing that it was a sliding door.

"You called?" Draco said suggestively, taking out an old fan. Draco began to flirtatiously fan himself, batting his eyelashes at Harry. Harry in turn leapt onto Draco, and tossed the fan away. Draco giggled. Harry then kissed Draco ferociously. Draco spent most of the train ride to Hogwarts pinned under Harry on the floor.

Bertie Boggsworth, a first year of no importance and currently of no house, after hearing the roaring going on in the next compartment, namely Harry and Draco's, hid under the seats with a crowd of other first years, praying for it to end soon.

"Dammit! Malfoy came to fight with Harry again," Ron blurted as he entered the compartment stumbling over the pile of trunks, and walking in on Harry and Draco snogging quite intensely on the floor.

"Why does Malfoy always come looking for trouble?" Ron was bellowing, mostly to himself, and throwing his hands in the air. Hermione walked in a couple seconds after Ron finished yowling, claiming that she had to talk to Pansy about potions. Draco and Harry realized there were people in the room, and Harry rolled off Draco. Hermione strutted over to Ron, whom now was sitting down, and sat in his lap petting him. Harry decided they were too preoccupied to notice if he and Draco slipped under a couple of the seats. Still on the floor, Harry grabbed Draco, and they both rolled under.

A few minutes later, Harry pulled away from Draco and looked over to his left. Ron was on his knees inches away from Harry and Draco peering down at them.

A look of confusion flooded his face before he put forth a question almost fearfully, "Harry... uh, you re not gay, are you?"

"No Ron, of course not! Does it look like I'm gay?" Harry replied and went back to making out with Malfoy, not bothering to await Ron's response.

Relief flooded Ron's face, and Hermione glared at Ron. "Ronald Quadland Samford Buckling Swillig Weasley! You are not homophobic, are you? What if Harry was gay? Hmm? What then? You can hardly be stick straight with what we were doing with Goyle." Ron blushed a dark red, and Hermione continued ranting, "Honestly!" Harry broke away from Draco to yell, "I'm not gay!" before returning to his previous activity.

Just then, the compartment door slid open again and Goyle lumbered in.

"Ugg. You forgot this," he said handing a spiked collar to Ron, who was blushing even more unnecessarily. "Hey Draco," Goyle said addressing a leg sticking out from under the seats.

"Mmmf," was all Goyle received as a reply. Goyle checked his watch and declared, "TEN MINUTES TO ARRIVAL, OVER AND OUT. MOTHER BIRD RETURNING TO DEN, I REPEAT MOTHER BIRD RETURNING TO DEN," and with that, Goyle stomped out.

Malfoy unglued himself from Harry's mouth and scooted out of the compartment. Harry was sitting in one of the chairs staring out the window at the falling rain. It was raining, as it usually did whenever they arrived at Hogwarts from summer vacation. Harry took out a notebook and began to write angsty poetry for the next ten minutes, occasionally muttering, "Oh! Woe is me!"

The train screeched to a sudden halt, and everyone flew out of their seats. A voice came over the intercom, "Hahaha, got you!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione groaned, pulling themselves up from the floor. Harry spotted Hagrid trying to control Grawp, who was trying to eat some of the new first years. Apparently, Hagrid thought it was a good idea for Grawp to meet the new students. The carriages were waiting for them at Hogsmead, and they all ran for one.

"Dammit," Ron cursed once he realized Neville was already inside it. They all piled in grumbling about riding with Neville, who was a bit suicidal and tended to whine often.

"Thank Gods I don't have to take potions anymore, I think I would jump off Gryffindor Tower if I had to endure one more year of misery," Neville stated. Unfortunately for Neville, Snape was hiding under the carriage and had heard this comment and giggled in glee. If there was one thing to make him giggle, it was making Gryffindors miserable. Snape the sprinted off to Dumbledore's office to change Neville's schedule, now to include potions. Neville sighed dramatically, looking out the window. Unbeknownst to him, his worst nightmare was in progress. Snape had just succeeded changing Neville's schedule, and was maniacally giggling. He burst into the Dining Hall before the students arrived and soared into his chair.

Snape was still wearing the frightening smile, more like menacing grin, when all the students filed into the Hall. Harry looked up, and almost started crying. The Hufflepuffs were sobbing, and the Ravenclaws were looking genuinely worried.

"Uh oh," was the only thing Hermione managed to say before mouthing 'quickie' to the offending professor. The professor nodded and continued to make the Hufflepuffs cry with his twisted smile and bulging eyes.

Harry looked around and realized most people were dressed in black, wearing heavy eye make up, and were writing poetry. Even Justin Finch-Fletchley was scribbling in a book, occasionally looking up and sighing theatrically. Even Professor McGonagal was sporting the same alternative attire as everyone else.

"I totally went through this phase first," Harry whined, glancing around the room. At that moment, everyone looked up. There was a collective gasp, followed by a stampede for the bathrooms. Several minutes later, everyone returned in their robes, without the heavy eye make up.

Dumbledore stood up. He was clad in what appeared to be very expensive muggle clothing (Versace), a tight fitting, cropped leather jacket, and a colorful skirt. He then screamed, "FIRST YEARS, GET YOUR ARSES OUT HERE, WE'RE HUNGRY! I AM SORRY, IT APPEARS I AM AGING..." He was cut off by a bunch of Slytherins and Gryffindors who muttered something like, "No shit."

"YES, ANYWAY, I HAVE LOST SOME OF MY HEARING, AND I CAN CONSEQUENTLY NO LONGER DETERMINE THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE," he bellowed. "…Just kidding! HAhAhahaaa," Dumbledore said, and everyone looked at him incredulously before quietly whispering things like St. Mungos and Lunatic.

Just then, Lucius Malfoy pranced through the doors, a very distressed looking Narcissa in his wake.

"I forgot to give Draco his good bye hug!" he announced to no one in particular, before skipping over to Draco and picking him up in a crushing embrace. After their touching moment, Lucius waved to Snape and mouthed 'we have a meeting tonight', gesturing not so discreetly to his forearm. He then turned to Narcissa and said something along the lines of, "Up for a quickie in a broom closet?" before dashing out of the room, a wide eyed Narcissa following him hastily.

After all the first years were sorted, which took surprisingly quickly as the sorting hat got bored and began sorting people into random houses. Several scared first years, looking as if they would be Hufflepuffs, were slowly making their way to the Slytherin table. Rory Zoomplots was the first student to be sorted into the Quadradiator house. Several perplexed students glanced over to Dumbledore who was nodding and clapping politely.

He then stood up to make a another speech, "Yes, hello. We have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, everyone, this is Professor Nibbles," Dumbledore gestured down to a large black rabbit sitting on the table. No one applauded, in fact everyone just stared dumbfounded as Dumbledore smiled serenely. "Well, come to think of it, I don't think Professor Nibbles is such a good idea. We're currently having some personal disputes, and it would be troubling to deal with his difference of personal opinions every day. I'll find a replacement tomorrow." Dumbledore continued, tossing Nibbles to Hagrid, "Also, over the summer, I have made an extremely valuable discovery."

Everyone leaned in with baited breath, wondering what he could have found out about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. "Dance Dance Revolution, is the best game ever!" he yelled, "So, I installed two in each of the dorm common rooms, there will be house cup championship just like Quidditch. Just use them when you feel free. Ummm, stay out of the forest, and _my underwear drawer_... it's not a laughing matter, Colin Creevy, I caught you in there last year... Umm, that's about it, if you don't mind, I d been hoping to catch a re-run of Law and Order before it starts at 8," and Dumbledore anticlimactically stalked off.

"FINALLY!" yelled Ron, "That speech too fo e er." He was now shoveling food in his mouth at an alarming rate.

"Ronald! That is disgusting, and strangely sexy," Hermione said. Despite her change towards a more dominatrix outlook, she was still the same old Hermione.

Harry was ignoring Draco from across the Hall. They had fought on the way into the Dining Hall about Ron. Draco had insulted the Weasley family, and naturally Harry defended them. Malfoy had bitten him, so Harry had kicked him in the shins and ran away. Malfoy was now trying to catch Harry's eye from across the way. Suddenly, Harry felt some movement below the table, and nearly jumped out of his chair praying that Ron and Hermione weren't going at it in the Dining Hall. The Spanish Inquisition popped out next to Seamus and Dean, who were feeding each other spoonfuls of food. Apparently no one really thought anything of it, and the Inquisition settled into the feast. They chatted a bit with Ginny, who agreed to house them, to their delight, in the girls dormitories. They also talked a bit with Seamus, and decided to have tea tomorrow around 2 p.m.

* * *

Whew, that was fun to write. Sorry, I know I m repeating my announcement on the past chapters, but the C2 I started still needs staff members and stories. It's Harry/Draco humor. Thanks Everyone. Review! You know you want to!

Yours Sincerely,

Moose


	7. Riddles and Questions

Just to clarify: Quotes are in "" and thoughts are in italics, sorry if i confused people!

I have over 50 reviews! YAY! Super happy, here's the next chappie:

**Riddles and Questions:**

After everyone was finished eating, Dumbledore walked in and made an announcement for the third time this evening. "Oh, for the love of all things good in this world!" Several seventh years whispered under their breaths.

"Ahem, I trust you all enjoyed the food. I have just one announcement to make that I forgot to make earlier. Shut up, Creevy, I'm not that old. Anyway. As I was saying, My good friend Tom, who has been staying with us over the summer, and I had a few guests over. They kinda crashed the Hufflepuff common room, so the Hufflepuffs can sleep in the Great Hall for tonight. That will be all. Good Night."

Apparently the O.C. was over because Dumbledore remained in the Hall as all the students were standing up and heading off to their dorms (with the exception of the Hufflepuffs, who were looking around glumly). Harry ran up to the Headmaster and yelled, "What is it? Who could have done that to Hogwarts! Deatheaters!" Everyone turned to look at the pair. Dumbledore sighed before addressing the rest of the school,

"If you must know, Tom and I were having a jam session. We invited a few friends over, umm, I think these muggles were there too, but I was too wasted to remember. I mean, oh wait, there was this muggle band there called NIN or something with nails. This bloke named Marilyn showed up, and he was kinda creepy. If you see him roaming around on the grounds, DO NOT TALK TO HIM, IT JUST ENCOURAGES HIM. Anyway," he said vaguely remembering he was addressing the entire school, "Go to bed, I have to finish Kill Bill 2."

The next day at breakfast, everyone noticed a new professor sitting at the table. "He looks like Tom Riddle! Except he has a mustache!" Harry yelled to Ginny. "He does! OH no!" Ginny started babbling. Dumbledore stood up and cleared his throat, "Hello everyone. Good Morning. This is Professor Riddlemort, he is your new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. Please treat him with the utmost respect."

Seamus was shrieking, and Dean was comforting him, mumbling something like, "All these years of therapy down the drain." Apparently, mustaches were Seamus' worst fear. A couple of the Slytherins were looking at Professor Riddlemort curiously. They seemed to know about Voldemort's new look. "But it can't be him, he doesn't have a mustache," Crabbe reasoned with Millicent. "Ugg Ugg, fine," Millicent grunted and returned to grabbing pancakes and smushing them in her mouth, leaning her head upwards to pour syrup in.

"Ginny, shut up, it's not him. Look, his name is Riddlemort for one, and two he has a mustache," Hermione was trying to calm a tremulous Ginny. Ginny looked up, and sighed, "Whew, I was really scared there for a minute. Haha, I'm so stupid. Tom Riddle would be the last person in the entire universe Dumbledore would appoint to that position." Professor Riddlemort's mustache fell off three times during the meal, but no one noticed.

Harry looked up and noticed the devilishly handsome professor looking at him. He blushed before glancing over at Draco. Draco glared at Harry. Harry was still mad at Draco for their little spat, so he stuck his tongue out at him and crossed his arms. Harry glanced up at Riddlemort, a slow smile was crossing Riddlemort's face. Harry's gaze flew back down towards his food. There was a small tap on his shoulder. Harry stood up and flew around to face Malfoy. "You do know what sticking your tongue out at someone implies?" Draco asked in a seductively dangerous manner.

"That you're super t.o.ed1 at them!" Harry said, clearly not forgiving Malfoy. "No," Malfoy said slyly, "That you want to kiss them." Draco then jumped towards Harry and began kissing him roughly. They made to go under the table, but the Spanish Inquisition was having a camp out under there with Seamus and Dean. They had a fire and were roasting marshmallows directly under the Gryffindor table. Unfortunately they didn't realize the table had caught fire. Smoke was billowing around the Dining Hall. Hermione dumped the contents of the teapot on the table, and went back to reading.

There was now a hole in the table with about a six inch diameter. Dean stuck his hand through and waved at Seamus, who had evacuated from under the table when the fire began. Hermione looked up towards the teachers and mouthed 'Quickie.' Snape nodded, and excused himself from the table. Hermione left shortly after. Ron shortly after that, muttering about potions extra credit. Fred and George suddenly burst into the Hall. Dumbledore stood up to make yet another announcement.

Neville was working up the nerve to stab himself in the jugular with a butter knife when someone yelled, "Just do it all ready!" Unfortunately, this statement was misinterpreted as it was not meant for Neville, but for Dumbledore. Neville stood up sobbing, "FINE, I will!" With that, Neville ran from the room. Snape, Ron, and Hermione returned all looking rather flushed. "Oh well," Dumbledore said,"It appears I was too lazy to explain my new D.A.D.A system. Oops, anyway. So Professor Riddlemort is going to teach Defense against Dark creatures and the Weasley twins here are going to teach Defense against Dark spells." Snape looked beyond words. He was furious, and he stormed out of the Dining hall. Dumbledore continued,"They will be teaching a classes twice a week. You will have an alternating double every week, depending on what the double was last week, unless it's thursday and the full moon, then just move your coats to the lower peg. Don't move them if it's Wednesday and you have gotten your haircut recently, unless your brother is also taking D.A.D.A. Then you will have the double alternating on Monday-Thursday pivots."

Everyone stared at Dumbledore. "Listen, Creevy, it's extremely simple. Since your brother is having his haircut, and he takes D.A.D.A. you move your coat to the lower peg, but since this week is the full moon the pivot doesn't start until the Wednesday-Thursday axis. Stop whispering, Creevy! Honestly, just follow your respective schedule!" Dumbledore replied to the stunned silence. "It's quite simple really," Hermione began, but was cut off by Ron's yelling. "Ow! My brain hurts!"

Dumbledore's speech seemed to be over so they ran off to class. Malfoy and Harry, argument forgotten, were skipping down the hallway holding eachother's hands. Halfway down the hallway Harry tripped, and Malfoy said something along the lines of, "Stupid Gryffindor." Harry pushed him, and ran off to potions rather upset.

He was so upset, he rounded the corner and smacked right into Professor Riddlemort. Harry squeaked and blushed. Malfoy saw this, and scowled. It appeared Harry had a minor crush on the new extremely attractive professor, which was bad news for Malfoy. Malfoy was T.O.ed because Harry and he fought quite frequently, and any chaos in their relationship could send him straight into the arms of the increasingly attractive professor. Malfoy remembered the little "pick me up" fire whiskey he had at breakfast and shook his head. _It's just the effects of the alcohol, _he thought, _don't do anything stupid. _He turned to Riddlemort and said, "You're damn sexy, my bed is open incase you need a place to sleep." _LIke that, dammit. Why is Harry glaring at me like that? Oh right, that's his death glare, awww that's so cute..._

With Malfoy looking at him like that, Harry couldn't be mad at him any longer. Forgetting his encounter with the new D.A.D.A professor, Harry leapt into Draco's arms. They strode into the classroom 1/2 an hour late for potions. Snape was absorbed talking to Ron and Hermione, who were sitting on his desk. He didn't notice he was supposed to be teaching a class until he looked up at Harry and Draco cuddling. Overcoming the feeling of nausea, Snape glared at them. "Listen, bitches, today we're gonna be cooking some tough shit. You are all too stupid to do it, so I might as well just fail you all. Muwahaha. Unfortunately I'd get fired; turn to page 1209234 of your text book, and start."

Everything was going fine until, Malfoy jokingly spilled Hydrochloric Acid on Harry. Harry ran to the hospital wing screaming. He didn't even notice Snape take 100 points from Gryffindor for running in the potions laboratory. Madame Pomfrey yelled at him, and then fixed his arm. Leaving the hospital wing in a sour mood, Harry again didn't pay attention to where he was going. And oh so predictably he smacked right into super fine Professor Riddlemort. (A/N: Oh ho! Didn't see that one coming! What will this crazy author pull next!11!)

Harry, never really able to control what was on his mind, blurted, "Hello, YOUR SUPER SEXY AND I WANT TO SEX YOU UP IN THE BATHROOM OR PERHAPS THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT, I mean, dammit, I did not just say that!" Blushing, Harry put his head in his hands. "That's all right," a smooth voice said and Harry looked up, "I get that alot, infact, your transfiguration professor just made an offer. Your boyfriend made one as well, but I think you heard that one and then you proceeded to umm, shall we say escort him to potions." Harry laughed, remembering earlier, but then scowled. "He's not my boyfriend, I'm not gay," Harry reasoned, this statement made Riddlemort raise an eyebrow. "Anyway," Harry continued, "I don't think we'll even be involved anymore, he just dumped..." Harry began to sob.

Riddlemort patted the sobbing boy's back, realization dawning on his face. "He dumped you?" He asked. "No," Harry said holding back his sobs for a second, "He dumped Hydrochloric Acid on me in potions as a joke." "Oh," Riddlemort said, looking surprised, "Well at least it wasn't Sulfuric Acid, now that stuff really burns." Harry chuckled at Riddlemort's lighthearted humor, and hugged him. Riddlemort just patted him on the back awkwardly.

"Well, considering I'm not your teacher anymore, if you fancy a quick snog?" Riddlemort offered. "You're not my teacher anymore?" Harry managed to say. "Nope, it was a bit of a joke for Dumbledore I think. He wanted to scare Seamus with a teacher with a mustache, it's not even real. Hehe, Fred and George are your actual teachers," Riddle continued. "Well," was all Harry managed to say, leaving an awkward pause. "Well," Harry continued finally, "That makes you even more sexy!" Harry pulled off Riddlemort's mustache and said, "Lemme just go get Malfoy, and then **we** can take you up on your offer!" Riddlemort grinned.

Harry and Draco skipped their next classes to have a snogfest with Riddlemort in the room of requirement. Harry had pranced into potions, and said, "Malfoy and I need to go fight Darth Vader, he arrived here earlier today. His ape minions are throwing yelling really loudly outside the school, disturbing classes. We're needed to talk them down, and then send them to the zoo." Harry grabbed Malfoy, and without hearing Snape's reply, practically ran to the room of requirement. He had lunch with the rest of the Gryffindors after the snogging fest.

The Spanish Inquisition had been invited to the Dance Party. Infact, many people were invited, with the exception of the Hufflepuff house, the Creevy brothers, and all the first and second years. There were a few other exceptions, but I don't have time to list people not important enough to be invited to the Dance Party. Seamus, Dean, and the Inquisition were all playing cards, and organizing a get together in the astronomy tower at around midnight. The Inquisition, Harry had found out, had followed Harry to school after none of the neighbors gave them shelter. By 10 o'clock a.m., they had already backed out of Ginny's invitation to stay in the girls' dormitories. By midday, they were asked to stay in the boy's dormitories by Seamus and Dean, who now shared a bed.

Riddlemort, Harry noticed, failed to show up to Defense Against the Dark Arts, and at the end of the day Hermione had convinced Harry and Ron to go to Dumbledore with her. Dumbledore had assured them it was all right, and had asked them to put itching powder in Colin Creevy's bed. He heartily agreed. It was Colin Creevy who had taken 'alleged' pictures of him, and he had to cough up a large sum of money to buy them from him. Harry had stolen all of his money back, but he was still upset over the matter. After pouring and entire container of itching powder into his bed, Harry set off for the Slytherin dungeons.

He had almost reached the entrance to the Slytherin common room, when he noticed something lurking in the shadows. "Who's there?" Harry said nervously, he really hoped it wasn't the Bloody Baron. After the time, the Baron had walked in on Harry the shower, Harry was still embarrassed to run into him. A strange creature stepped out of the shadows. It seemed to be part human, but it's eyes were so very strange. "I'm Marilyn," it said with a deep, gravely voice. It held out it's hand, Harry reluctantly shook it. "Harry Potter, pleased to meet you," Harry said politely. Marilyn nodded and asked, "So, where are you off to?" "

I was rather happy about exceeding 50 reviews, so I decided to write a chapter in celebration. If I ever get 100 reviews, there will be pandemonium, extreme absurdity, and an abundance of silliness. Thanks everyone! The best is yet to come, Dance Party coming up soon!

**GoddessMoonLady:** Eeew old people sex... hehe it was implied, oh dear.

**Ashes of Stars: **thank you : )

**Kittygurl14:** I'm glad I made you laugh. I can't wait for the Dance Party, I'm going to have so much fun with that.

**Sparkling Silver Angel Wings:** Thanks, I thought it was rather silly as well. Hehe.

**Lita-2003:** hehe, thanks!

**DanielLover00:** Hehe, thanks. Sorry about the quote confusion!

**FragonKnight01:** Thanks so much! You're amazing! I love stupid, adorable Lucius too, hehe.

Sincerely,

Moose

1 stands for ticked off, slight Napoleon Dynamite reference (I couldn't help it, I love that movie)


	8. Dance Party of the Century

**This Could be the MOST important chapter of Thanks for the Socks yet! LADIES and GENTLEMEN, May I present, THE DANCE PARTY!**

The Emcee: Ladies and Gentlemen, Lets get ready to rummmmmmmmmble!

Cue Music, Fade Lights

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Just to recap:

He had almost reached the entrance to the Slytherin common room, when he noticed something lurking in the shadows. Whos there? Harry said nervously, he really hoped it wasnt the Bloody Baron. After the time, the Baron had walked in on Harry the shower, Harry was still embarrassed to run into him. A strange creature stepped out of the shadows. It seemed to be part human, but its eyes were so very strange. Im Marilyn, it said with a deep, gravely voice. It held out its hand, Harry reluctantly shook it. Harry Potter, pleased to meet you, Harry said politely. Marilyn nodded and asked, So, where are you off to?

Harry looked back at Marilyn, who blinked his wierd eyes. Umm, Im looking for a friend.

Really? How interesting, Have you seen Sevy? We were supposed to go jam tonight, and I cant find his office.

Oh, Harry replied, Its around the corner. If you see an extremely attractive blonde boy, tell him Im waiting, and if he doesnt hurry up, Ill start without him.

Will do! Marilyn smiled and skipped down the corridor. Harry shook his head and noticed Malfoy sauntering down the hallway. Damn, Malfoy! I thought I was going to have to start with out you! Harry yelled.

I knew you wouldnt be able to wait, Malfoy chuckled, Now lets get started on the potions homework.

The next week sped by, literally. Several of the students had suspicions that Dumbledore had altered time in some way. The insane old headmaster had certainly changed, and many people noticed it. He played alot more jokes, picked on Colin Creevy, and actually deducted house points for the first time ever. Mind you, it was from the Hufflepuffs, Hannah Abbot and Ernie Macmillan, specifically, as they were engaging in sexual activities on the breakfast table.

It was Friday afternoon, and most people were preparing for the Dance party. Harry had put on the corset he made after watching Rocky Horror, he borrowed some of Hermiones stretchy black underwear, and some of her skanky 6 inch platform thigh highs. Ron was in his boxers and a wife beater, and Hermione was clad in a toga.

The three of them walked out of the Gryffindor common room. Actually, Harry sashayed out, with Hermione and Ron in persuit. They arrived at the entrance to the dungeons and heard the distant thud of techno music. Harry stepped throught the entrance and into a corridor charmed to look like space. They entered in on a slide into a random dungeon.

Harry looked around. Several people were there already. The Dungeon was dark except for a disco ball in the center, and flashing lights shining every where. The floor was flashing different colors, and Harry saw Riddlemort lurking by the bar. Harry strutted over the bar immediatley.

What up, Sexy? Harry said in his most seductive voice. Riddlemort jumped, but smiled coyly when he saw Harry. Well, were wasting valuable time here, fancy a snog or a dance? Harry said impatiently.

Both, Riddlemort said, Dance first, snog later. Harry held out his hand and they ran to the dance floor. Harry began busting out the only moves he knew how, and apparently, they werent good ones. A couple of the ravenclaws watched Harry with amusement before being sucked into a bottomless pit and vortexed back to their common room.

Screw this,  Harry said, realizing that people were making fun of his superior dancing skills. Harry began to practically dry hump Riddlemort. Hermione had removed her toga to reveal a skin tight, red leather, tube top, mini dress. Ron and Hermione were waltzing. Parvati and Lavender were scoping out the scene, which was none existant as there was no one else there besides Snape and Marilyn.

Suddenly, a slide opened and a couple of the Slytherins slid in. Malfoy glanced over at Harry and Riddlemort narrowing his eyes. He then realized, it was Riddlemort that Harry was humping and proceded to join the fun. Crabbe and Goyle were going some sort of slow dance as Pansy was rubbing up and down Goyle. The twins were the next to slide in accompanied by a wall of blue smoke and their friend Lee Jordan.

Fred was clad in a football jersey and had a clock on a gold chain around his neck. George was in skin tight leather pants and a silk shirt with only a few buttons buttoned. I saw this on a book cover once in a muggle supermarket, George said, And I just had to try it out. He shook his hair out, which had been magically enhanced to be long and flowing. Seamus and Dean arrived surrounded by their new posse consisting of the Spanish Inquisition. They were mumbling incoherent things in Spanish, which they had picked up since their arrival. Si, Si! Frederico es muy caliente! Es Verdad...Donde?... Mi cuarto! A bunch of other insignificant students arrived wearing a variety of clothes ranging from a foam sphere to leaves.

The Spanish Inquisition had conquered the food table, and were trying to declare war on the bartender. Seamus and Dean had taken to doing some sort of jig with umbrellas, and Hermione and Ron were doing the Cha Cha. Cho had dug up Cedric and had brought him along too. Harry eventually got tired of dancing and went to go sit down. Professor Riddlemort and Draco were now dancing horizontally. Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy burst through a random door followed by a muggle band, a bunch of people Harry had never seen before, three acrobats, and Firenze.

AND now, for the moment you have all been awaiting, Mr. ALBUS DUMBLEDORE! A random voice boomed out. From the ceiling smoke began to issue, and a circular platform was lowering. Dumbledore stepped off into the spotlight. He was wearing gold robes and was carrying a pimp stick. He had a ring that went across all of his fingers bearing the letters P-I-M-P. He had a diamond earring in one ear, and his beard was braided. His white hair had been pulled back into a ponytail. Nice you see you all, Dumbledore began, Ah, yes, we have alot of guests, now lets get jiggy with it, Yall. Drop it like its hot! Dumbledore, Madame Pomfrey, and McGonagall were all bumping and grinding. Draco was dancing a foxtrot with his dad now. Lucius had gotten all excited to go to a dance, and he was even more happy hed be able to see his son.

Voldemort stepped up next to Harry, who was chillin at the bar. Ahem, how about that snog? Harry downed the last of his drink and went off to find a dark corner with Tom. On his way over to the corner he bumped into the muggle band, who were really really confused. Aparently, they were guests of Marilyns. The Inquisition, Seamus, and Dean were all dancing together quite lewdly, all of them sporting glow sticks. Somehow, Harry had lost Tom in the darkness. He shrugged and went back to the bar, which the muggle band and Professor Trelawney were doing shots. This Partay is ill! Trelawney slurred drunkenly, making an attempt to hit on Harry.

Thats nice, Harry said politely, and he consequently got up and sat next to the band. They started a casual conversation, apparently they were called Tool. (A/N: The music mentioned does not reflect my taste in music) They had brought their friend Trent Reznor, and they were having a lovely time. Draco was dancing, but he was now dancing with Tom. Suddenly everyone decided it would be a good time to dance, so that basically meant everyone was drunken enough to attempt to show everyone their dancing skills.

Harry was amidst a dance off with Lee Jordan, and he was losing badly. By the time Lee had won the dance off, Harry was so badly served he was sober again. Draco was now in what would be an orgy if everyone wasnt wearing their clothes, the Spanish Inquisitions dancing circle. Harry, being sober, headed back to the bar. There he met Dumbledore. What up, H-Dog, hows da pimpin? Its going ok, I suppose... but I mean look at that, Harry pointed to Draco, My bitch is being permiscuous, it hurts real bad.

Yo, I dig ya, Dumbledore replied knowingly, Thats why I have two. And with that, Albus Dumbledore downed his drink and walked casually to the dance floor. Harry, not being able to control the volume of his voice, yelled, HES SO WISE!

Hey guys, hope you liked it. Sorry the update took so long, Its crunch time, so I must crunch and dont have much time for not crunching. Just a warning, the updates will become less frequent but will be at least once a month.

Yours,

Moose

**Nanya-** Thanks a bunch. Ill try to update as much as possible!

**Kminyufreak5-** Thanks dude, word up. Hah, just kidding around. Thanks, though.

**dmweasley-** Hmm, strange? Random? Excellent, everything is going as planned. Thanks

**GoddessMoonLady-** Thanks! Riddlemort rocks!

**Sg**- Its called humor.

**runnerz**- Thanks!

**Dark-Angel-Tears-** w00t, thanks!

**sparkling silver angel wings-** sweet, I need some cheerleaders.Heheh. thanks

**Lita-2003-** You rock my socks, thanks!

**Ashes of Stars**- Muchas Gracias, amiga!

**Mucho thanks to everyone who reviewed... REVIEW!**


	9. Dance Party of the Century Part Deux

**HEllO ALL!** I have returned from my perilous journey across the seven seas and through the forests of unnamed lands. Actually I was just on Hiatus. I apologize for the large amount of time between updates, I was sulking and had lost my inspiration. Hopefully it has returned in full swing! Without causing you to wait further here is **THE DANCE PARTY CONCLUSION! **

**p.s: I think I need a beta...**

**DPDPDPDPDPDPDPDPDPDPDPDPDPDPDPDPDP**

Just to recap:

_Harry was amidst a dance off with Lee Jordan, and he was losing badly. By the time Lee had won the dance off, Harry was so badly served he was sober again. Draco was now in what would be an orgy if everyone wasn't wearing their clothes, the Spanish Inquisition's dancing circle. Harry, being sober, headed back to the bar. There he met Dumbledore. "What up, H-Dog, how's da pimpin'?" "It's going ok, I suppose... but I mean look at that," Harry pointed to Draco, "My bitch is being permiscuous, it hurts real bad."_

"_Yo, I dig ya," Dumbledore replied knowingly, "That's why I have two." And with that, Albus Dumbledore downed his drink and walked casually to the dance floor. Harry, not being able to control the volume of his voice, yelled, "HE'S SO WISE!"_

Harry ran over to Riddlemort, Draco, and the Spanish Inquisition on the dance floor. One of them winked at him. _Well he is kinda cute, _ Harry began to rationalize as he found himself dancing closer and closer to the winker. He noticed Dumbledore in a corner dividing up something in a bag and negotiating with several shady looking muggles. The whole party was absolute chaos for the next few hours, absolute chaos. ABSOLUTE CHAOS, I TELL YOU! In Dumbledore's eyes it was a success, but Dumbledore had actually dissappeared with Madame Rosmerta, Keith Richards, a dementor, a Random witch, said witch's husband, McGonagall, and Pomfrey.

Harry had been dancing like crazy for the past couple hours. He had reconciled with Draco and joined the Spanish Inquisition's clothed orgy. Dean, Seamus, and Ginny had entered the fray an hour and a half earlier with a keg. Hermione, Ron, Pansy, and Goyle were all sitting in a Jacuzzi grinning, while Crabbe cried at the bar. Half of the Inquisition had taken half the bar, but the bartender was holding viciously to the other half of his territory. The bartender was not to be swayed by barbaric war tactics.

Hundreds of people had shown up, some of them were famous muggles. Paris Hilton had shown up and made off with a semi transformed werewolf in a record 1 minute and 12 seconds. Firenze and Narcissa were plotting something, while Lucius eyed Riddlemort suspiciously.

_I've seen him before, I'm sure of it, _Lucius thought very hard to himself.

There were all these muggle musicians there, and Harry had left the fray/orgy to go talk to some of them. How Dumbledore had met and befriended all these people was a mystery to Harry.

The party was winding down. Nearly Headless Nick announced the last slow dance. Harry scrambled to get Draco only to find Riddlemort already dancing a waltz with him. Upset, hurt, and distressed, Harry did the only thing that seemed to make sense at the time.

Harry Potter was in the middle of the dance floor wailing and sobbing. Everyone had partnered up with someone, except him. In some cases everyone had partnered up with 3 or 5 other people. Just as Harry began to sink into depression and accio some Ben & Jerry's, Draco and Riddlemore swept by and grabbed him.

"Jeez Louise, Potter, you could have said something before carrying on like that!" Draco complained.

"Now, now, Harry. You know better, we can all share!" Riddlemort said enthusiastically.

"Hmm," Harry said as if the idea hadn't occured to him before, "Yes, I think I've heard something of this before."

"That's because that's what we've been doing before, but you won't have to share for long. I must be going away for a bit, so this is sort of a fling. I mean, We can all shag when I get back and stuff," Riddlemort said cautiously. He wasn't sure how they would take the news of his voyage, and he wanted to put it as lightly as possible.

"Yeah, whatevs, no biggie," Harry replied.

"No prob, when ya get back and all," Draco added.

How you waltz with a group of three is beyond yours truly, but ten minutes later the last song was done. Harry gave Riddlemort a very sloppy kiss goodbye before running over to the bar. As the party was ending, the rest of the inquisition had gone over to the bar to try and take it in a last attempt of expansion. In the last few minutes of desperate attacks, the bartender was sufficiently distracted. Harry slipped past and grabbed as much as he could including a sock that obviously must have some sort of magical property. Why else would it be at a wizarding party? He found a locked compartment behind the bar and smashed it. Grabbing the small bags he found behind there full of something plant-like, Harry hurried out before he was caught.

He transfigured Hermione's discarded toga into a bag, or at least he thought he did. A drunken Seamus tied the end for him when he wasn't looking. Even though Seamus was drunk, he could tell Harry's transfiguration skills needed asistance. Harry lobbed his plunder into the sack and ran back to Riddlemort and Draco making out with a maniacal grin on his face.

He stood watching them, patiently waiting to escort Draco somewhere. Riddlemort and Draco broke apart. Riddlemort grabbed Harry and started kissing like no tomorrow. Harry felt a small tap on his shoulder. He looked over into Ron's peering face inches, no centimeters away.

"What is it Ron! Can't you see I'm busy!" Harry said in exasperation.

"Umm, Harry, I mean you haven't really been giving me any concrete proof, but... ah I mean... If you were gay, I mean... I'm not saying you are, but if you were... I wouldn't dislike you, you know. I would still be your friend. I..." Ron said all in a rush before continuing, "sorry, I think I'm just a bit tired is all. Sorry, mate, see you later. Hermione and I are going to go study... with Greg and Panse. See you tomorrow, we probably won't be back at all... I mean, until late... See you!"

With that Ronald Weasley exited the dungeon from the exit on the far left. He was either not aware, or most likely not caring he was donning a skirt instead of the wife beater and boxers he came in. Hermione followed after him with Goyle and Pansy, who was wearing Ron's wifebeater and just her underwear.

"Merlin's Balls! I already told him I wasn't gay, does it look like I'm gay? Didn't think so." Harry said before kissing Riddlemort one last time, grabbing Draco's hand, and saying goodbye to Riddlemort.

On the way out of the dungeons Harry and Draco passed at least 3 Ravenclaws, Mundungus Fletcher, Filch's cat, 1 Slytherin fourth year, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Hannah Abbot, Ernie MacMillan, Cho, Cedric's body, 3 shady looking muggles, a man who looked like Merlin, 4 random witches, and a dementor all passed out drunk. Mundungus could have been just staying the night, though. The Creevy brothers were pretending to be passed out drunk, but Snape caught them for consuming alcohol on school premises without being of age, though neither of them had actually had any.

Harry led Draco to an empty classroom to show him his stash, but Draco had to dash out to say goodbye to his daddy. While waiting for Draco to come back, Harry decided to take inventory. He accio-ed a quill and paper from somewhere, he didn't know.

In the Ravenclaw common room, fifth year Timmons Tidby was doing his Potions homework quietly by the fire when his quill and half of his homework went flying out of the tapestry guarding the Ravenclaw common room.

In the Ravenclaw boys dormitories, sixth year Apultro Appens could hear a soft wailing coming from the common room.

Harry inscribed:

1 Bottle of JD (Jack Daniels)

3 Bottles of Fidelius' First Class Fire Whiskey

2 Bottles of Jhordana Vampire Vodka

2 Bottles of Finnegan's Fancy Cocktail Mix

4 Bottles of Finnegan's Fancy Drunk If You Do

1/2 Bottle of Urpissedaf Teronesip

2 Kilograms of Maui Wowie

1 Quill

1 Magic Sock

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Merlin's balls" appears in a story that is not my own, I am not sure what story it was, but it is an excellent phrase. If anyone does know, please let me know.

**Hey Guys! Thanks for sticking with the story for so long, and it has been long. I think I owe a special thanks to Grandson of Dumbledore for getting me back on the story wagon. I became a bit distracted and was at a loss for what to write. As usual enormous thanks and ipods to those who reviewed. Just kidding, unfortunately it's just the ENORMOUS thanks to those who reviewed the last time:**

**Grandson of Dumbledore:**Thanks for the e-mail and the encouragement, I am a little nutty... just a bit.

**NimbusGirl:**Thanks bitch! Just kidding, thanks a bunch... I love my pimpin' Dumbles... He should have a pimp name. Let's brainstorm...hehehe.

**Generally Maz:** Yes I would like some of your chocolote string socks. Are they magic?

**fifespice:**Thanks, glad to make you laugh.

**Sparkling Silver Angel Wings:**WOOOOOOOOoo Gets all happy! You can be the cheerleader for the story... heheh.

**GoddessMoonLady:** I'm glad you like my lunacy. hehe.

**FragonKnight01:** One day, we're getting married... I will totally throw in a jello wrestling contest when the time is right! Thanks for the review.

**dmweasley:**HAHA you picked it up! I'm so excited, George was trying to look like Fabio! I'm glad this reviewer got to laugh so much!


	10. There's Going to Be a Morning After

Here's an update:

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The party had ended hours earlier, but Harry was still stalking around Hogwarts. He figured it was not the best night to be angsty and out of bed, considering that everyone else was probably out of bed as well, so he couldn't show off by being out of bed. He practically stomped around the corner, running into Filch. Though Harry had left his invisibility cloak in the dorm with a "fuck it all" attitude, Filch apparently didn't notice.

"Yeah, that's right. Keep walking, I'm having inner turmoil here. It doesn't matter that I'm out of bed after curfew, I'm sulking," He yelled after Filch.

_Gods, now where did I put my poetry book? Here it is, _he thought drawing it out of his underpants. _Now lets see, lets start with some anguish... how about "No one knows how I feel because I'm The Boy Who Lived." That sounds good. Wow, I'm a genius. This shit should get published. Did I see Cedric tonight? Oh, wait he's dead... but I'm sure I saw him. Huh, well I'm gonna have to investigate that. Maybe it's another philosopher's stone or opposite of the vei... _Harry did not get to complete his thought as he ran smack into the back of Snape.

"JESUS CHRIST, Potter!" Snape was talking into a mobile phone, and put his had over the receiver.

"God dammit, Potter, you're going to have detention for the rest the year. Stay right there, I need to finish up this call."

"Yes, Master, things are going well. Yes, we will kill the Potter boy this time. Yes, that was him you heard run into me. Yes, you can speak with him," Snape sighed as he handed Harry the phone.

Harry took it, "Potter, inc. What up?"

"Harry, baby, it's so goooood to hear your voice. I'm off on business, just wanted to say hi. I also wanted to tell you that I have plans to kill you, so that might put a strain on this relationship. "

"You can't kill me! You are... were my teacher! And I'm shagging you!" Harry started crying, all the inner anguish coming out.

"Yes I know, I can't kill you. Though I'm going to try, but I won't kill you. I'm just going to try, sweetheart. What else am I supposed to do with my time besides disappear to obscure places that sound dark and eastern Europe-y and plot to kill you? It's just plotting, plus do you really think Luci could kill you?"

"Luci?

"Lucius Malfoy, he's such a darling. You'll have to meet him sometime, he's a blast. Narcissa makes the best cookies... but I digress. How's school?"

"It's pretty good. The new schedule is hard to remember. I've been writing some poetry, you wanna hear?"

"DO NOT SUBJECT ME TO THIS!" Snape unexpectedly bellowed.

"Ahh, well I don't think I can. I'm in a bit of Barney, actually. So I'll talk to you later. Can I borrow Snape's phone to call you sometimes?"

"Of course, Dumpling. I want to hear from you soon."

"'kay. Ttyl!"

"Kisses!"

"He is such a sweetheart," Harry informed Snape.

"Get the hell out of my sight, this never happened, Potter."

Harry ran out of the dungeons and into the garden. He needed to speak to Dumbledore, apparently Voldemort was trying to kill him again. This situation could potentially be nasty, considering Voldemort's close friendship to Dumbledore. This would require careful thought, and endless planning. He assumed Dumbledore had gone off with the people he picked up at his party, so it would have to wait until morning.

He cried again over Cedric's death, and an hour later pondered seeing him at the party again. He then remembered Sirius.

"OH SIRIUS," he wailed into the night. "I'VE GOT TO FIND YOU, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT DEAD."

He picked himself up off the garden bench, and walked into Malfoy. _What's with walking into people tonight?_ He thought as he groped Draco.

"Hey Potter."

"Sup, Malfoy. I heard your mum makes really good cookies."

"Don't you dare insult my mother!"

"I'm not, Voldemort told me."

"Oh."

"Yeah... you wanna make out?"

"No, I just saw some kinky shit doing down in my dorm, and I think I need a little time to get over it. Pansy, Greg, Weasley, and Granger were all playing strip bondage poker. I need some time to calm down."

"Dear god, are you serious? This is just not on. Fraternizing with _Slytherins..._ I'm speechless."

"Hold me?"

Harry patted Draco awkwardly on the back while trying to grab a feel.

"God Potter, I'm going through a crisis. I just saw Weasley naked, and you're trying to grope me. It's extremely distressing! Can't you think of anything else!"

"Hmm, not really. Hey, did you see Cedric Diggory at the party?"

"Umm, yeah, I did. He looked a bit under the weather."

"Yeah, it's probably just the flu going 'round, you know."

"True, though going to a party with the flu, I don't know what he's playing at. He's going to get everyone else sick. Honestly, no consideration for anyone else."

"I know, that was pretty selfish of him. Well, umm if we're not going to shag, then I'm off to bed."

"Ah all right then," Draco yawned, "mind if i join you?"

"Not at all."

The next morning, Dumbledore was at his normal post at the head table. Snape was looking angry as usual. McGonagall... impeccable. No trace of her late night adventures. The Inquisition was eyeing the Hufflepuff table conspiratorially. Seamus and Dean had lit another camp fire under the table, this time Ginny decided to join them. After last night, Ginny had basically stopped wearing clothes, just the Hogwarts hat and scarf. Fred and George were singing in a barbershop quartet with Marcus Flint and a member of the Inquisition named Jorge De Asturia.

Harry and Draco had fought yet again that morning. Harry had awoken to a pair of blue eyes peering in through the hangings of his bed.

"Can I help you, Ron?" Harry said in an annoyed voice.

"Umm, yea. I mean, this is probably kind of awkward. I mean, I don't have any reason for thinking this. But I mean, homosexuality isn't really that uncommon in the wizarding world. I mean, I'm probably bisexual... that's not important. It's just, Herm and I haven't really seen you with any girls... and the last girl you liked... well. Wet just isn't something you'd describe a kiss as, mate. Sorry, I don't mean to be rude or anything, I just wanted to let you know that we can always talk if you need to. Umm,"

"Ron, I'm not gay. Jeez, does it look like I'm gay?"

"Well, not really. Come to think of it, I thought I saw you flirting with Lisa Turpin yesterday. Huh, yeah sorry about that. I don't know **where** that came from."

"Yeah," Harry said. _I don't even know who the Lisa Turpin is..._ He thought. "I'm glad you've come to your senses."

"Me too, mate. Is that Draco Malfoy in your bed?"

"Umm..."

"HARRY! You should have told me. We could have had an inter house slipover. Goyle and Pansy could've come too. It would've been loads of fun. Did you guys play poker too?"

"No, erm, yes. Yes we did. The whole night."

"Well, mate, tell me next time, and we can have a slumber party. It'll be loads of fun. See you at breakfast."

Ron stumbled out of the room in his boxers and headed down to breakfast. Draco was still sleeping, so Harry nudged him.

"Potter, I'm sleeping."

"In my bed, I want breakfast. Out. Now."

"Excuse me?"

"Malfoy, I want to go the breakfast. You can't sleep here when I'm not here."

"Damn right I can. I can do whatever I want. My father is a school governor again, it doesn't matter where the hell I sleep."

"How did he do that? Get your mum to make some of her 'cookies'?"

"Don't you talk about my mother like that you rancid Gryffindor fruit bag."

"You're impossible, and... and, and if there was a way to get Sirius back you wouldn't let me do it! I know it, You'd make me not do it!" Harry yelled and stormed out.

"Sirius Black? Isn't he my mum's cousin?" Draco asked the seemingly empty dormitory.

Just then, Seamus and Dean open the hangings on their bed. How their bed could fit the Spanish Inquisition is beyond me... actually no. It's sort of like that spell for the tents during the Quidditch World Cup. Glad I could clear that up for you.

"Umm, actually Harry's been bitching about that for a while. His godfather died or some shit. No one really listens, sometimes it seems like he's going crazy with these plots to get him back. I just wish he'd shut the bloody hell up and plot some other time than when we're going to sleep," Dean explained.

"Ahhh, that explains a lot. Do you mind if I join you?" Draco queried.

"Not at all, not at all," Seamus replied.

Just as Draco was getting into Seamus and Dean's joint bedding arrangements, Harry came back upstairs.

"You bastard, one argument and you're already in somebody else's bed."

"Well, you drove me away. You were always mean to me," Draco sulked.

"ME? MEAN TO YOU? NEVER. You were always the one insulting my dead mother!"

"Oh come on, you know I never meant it. Can't you take a bit of joking? This is exactly what I've been telling Dean and Seamus. You're so uptight." Dean and Seamus were nodding sympathetically.

"Malfoy, You're a filthy, cheating git. I want nothing to do with you. I wash my hands of this. Seamus, bring me some water."

"Umm, Dean and I drank the rest after a rather tiresome threesome, sorry mate."

"It's no problem... I'll do it at breakfast.

Later that morning, Harry Potter stood up on the Gryffindor table and dumped a pitcher of water over his hands. Since he couldn't get both hands at the same time while holding the pitcher, he had Colin Creevy do it. No one knew what was going on, since Draco, Seamus, and Dean were missing from breakfast.

"I hear he's been chilling with Dumbledore a lot," said Pansy Parkinson.

"Yeah, that explains a lot," replied Goyle.

Goyle was also an under appreciated genius. He was currently writing his third symphony, and his undiscovered genius and hidden sophistication was what kept Pansy interested. Later that evening Hermione and a truculent Ron would join them to listen to old phonographs in his dorm room and sip champagne, while discussing the effects of the Industrial Revolution in Russia at the turn of the 17th century. The developing theory of Marxism, and it's impact later on would also be addressed.

Crabbe took one look at Goyle and fled from the room in tears. Apparently his and Pansy's relationship was voted 'most likely to continue after Hogwarts' in the yearbook this year. The past yearbooks had been canceled because the attacks from Voldemort had halted the production. This year, Dumbledore made sure the yearbook would be coming out.

"Speaking of Dumbledore, listen up Millicent this concerns you or rather your mum, I saw him running off with your mum and several others. I believe your father was amongst them. No one's seen them since," Pansy leaned in, whispering.

"Yeah," Blaise ejaculated, "There's rumours they rode horses off into the sunset."

"You can't be serious," said some unimportant sixth year Slytherin, "It's never been done with that many people before."

"Yes, it has."

All the Slytherins in the conversation turned to see who had just spoken. It was Dumbledore. He was sitting in between Daphne Greengrass and Blaise Zambini, eating a large steak.

"I did it last night. Keith was there, weren't you, Keith?"

"Yeah, I was," Keith emerges from under the table, followed by Madame Pomfrey, a dementor (which caused Harry, who was still standing on the Gryffindor table, to feint.), a random witch (who turns out to be Millicent's attractive mother), Millicent's father, and Madame Rosmerta.

"Well Ladies and Gentlemen, we must be off. Ta!" Dumledore waved, pointed at Colin Creevy, glared at Colin Creevy while pointing, and then exited.

"Well that was entirely unexpected," Neville summed up, though was ignored because people thought he had committed suicide already.

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In the next episode:

Will Harry and Draco make amends?

Will Goyle's soiree go as planned?

Is Millicent's mum really as fit as mentioned?

Did Lucius Malfoy really glue his hand to his leg with Gloober's Unbreakable Gluing Solution?

**All that and more coming up in Chapter Eleven**


	11. The Fortitude of Conviction

No way! Look! It's an update:

"Fucking Christ, Lucius! This is the third time this week. I'm tired of going into Nocturne Alley to buy you Super Extra Phenomenal Unsticking solution!" Voldemort's voice rang through the hobbit hole.

"I'm sorry, my love... I mean, my lord. It's just that-," Lucius whined whilst trying to pull his hand out from under his robes.

"Lucius, I ran into Fudge the last time! And he recognized me!"

"How did he do that? You look like a supple nineteen year old boy, whose muscles are lean and toned from hours of quidditch," Lucius did the good old up down.

"Lucius, now is not the time. He just bumped into me, and he was like 'Oooh, Tom! It's so good to see you! We must do coffee sometime! You must have kids by now!' Caught me completely off guard."

"My bad."

"Shut up, Lucius. This is the last time I make a trip like this!" Voldemort said as he stormed out of the circular door, bumping his head on the low ceiling.

"Can I come back in my house now?" A small creature with hairy feet called from outside.

"You most certainly may not!" Lucius yelled back, shaking his fist, "The nerve!"

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Breakfast was deemed to have been a fiasco, as Harry Potter had fainted on top of Gryffindor table soaking wet. Hermione looked at him disdainfully. He had obviously been in one of his Sirius-Obessed moods, as they call them, and worked himself into a frenzy. Draco Malfoy walked over to go tease the Golden Trio. He saw Potter lying in two plates of bacon and a puddle of pumpkin juice and water.

"Well, well, well," Draco began, "If it isn'--"

Hermione cut him off, "Shut up, Malfoy. This isn't the time."

"It's always the time." Malfoy replied annoyingly.

"Right then," said Ron, who was still clad in his boxers, "Let's haul him up to Pomfrey before we're late for Potions."

"Well, well, well, What's going on here?" Snape swooped in, "Looks like Potter attacked Mr. Malfoy here. Three hundred points from Gryffindor! Weasley, that is not Hogwarts regulation dress code! Explain yourself, now."

Ron shrugged and yawned, "Too tired."

"Weasley, unacceptable. Disgraceful. Detention. With. Me. I. Don't. Know. Why. I'm. Talking. Like. This. It's. Probably. Potter's. Fault. Detention. For. Him. Too. Tell. Him. When. He. Comes. 'Round." Snape stormed out of the Great Hall.

A naked Ginny was dancing intoxicated around a fire on top of the Hufflepuff table, recently conquered by the Inquisition. The remaining Hufflepuffs were captured and placed under the far corner of the table. Seamus and Dean were jamming with homemade guitars fashioned from forks and the vanishing cabinet. The inquisition were all sitting around Seamus and Dean, passing burning paper rolled up back and forth.

Dumbledore burst into the Great Hall. "I can smell it! The precious!"

He ran over to the Hufflepuff table and joined the fray. People were making makeshift tents out of their robes. Several people weren't wearing clothes, and had never before been seen at Hogwarts. It began to resemble an Allman Brothers gathering, and things began to spiral out of control and into vibrant colors and kaleidoscope lighting.

Suddenly, Uniformed men with machine guns burst into the Great Hall through the windows and the doors.

"Nobody move!"

Seamus and Dean's audience started screaming and running. Seamus and Dean packed up several suspicious packages and somehow managed to enter the kitchens through the table. Ginny tried to dance with one of the uniformed men; who looked interested, but kept pushing her off.

Finally she gave up, and decided to find out what was going on.

"Hey, I'm Ginny."

"Hey, I'm John. Nice to meet you."

"So," She began. She was unsure how to ask, if she was too straight forward he wouldn't giver her any information. However, if she was too subtle; she wouldn't get anywhere. "You come 'round here often?"

"Nah, We're just here on a drug bust. Apparently someone here has been flooding the markets with good quality Haze, and we can't have any of that. It wasn't you was it?"

"No, wasn't me. So, um, can I get you a drink?"

"How about, I buy you a drink. I know this great place down the road."

"all right, I'll just get my coat. Are you a muggle?"

"A what?"

"Never mind."

Ginny and John left the chaos in the Great Hall, as instead of freezing when the men poured in, someone magicked most of their uniforms to pink leotards. This created quite a mess, and half the school was embroiled in a ribbon dance fight with the intruders. It looked like the leader of the uniformed men was going to win with a triple spiral followed by a toe kick.

Out of the blue, Dumbledore pulled two gold ribbons out of his underpants. They flutter ed and spiraled in the most majestic dance since Merlin's interpretive 'Sun Passes Though the Sky', which created the peace of Westphalia. Tears ran down from the eyes of many whom were watching. Harry Potter awoke when Ron and Hermione dropped him to watch Dumbledore. He too was floored by such a moving visual display.

The leader of the men took off his helmet and tossed it to the floor. "You win! I had no idea I was in the presence of such a master! Bravisimo! Troops! MOVE OUT!"

"Well that settles that," Dumbledore said, rubbing his hands together as the troops filed out.

But it didn't settle everything. Harry was still mad at Draco for his infidelity, and Draco was mad at Harry for being too uptight. Seamus and Dean were quivering in the kitchens after their brush in with the law, counting their losses (of which there weren't very many). Millicent's mum was nowhere to be found, and Harry wouldn't leave the Great Hall because of the dementor. A reparo charm didn't work on the ancient windows, Dumbledore would have to call in a professional. The Inquisition had captured quite a few of the troops sent in to bust Dean and Seamus' 'business' and refused to release them. They raised them as their own; and in a couple years, they would find out that they were not members of the Inquisition, but in fact members of a law enforcement squadron. They would eventually have to choose between the life they've been brought up to live, and the life they could have lived. Their story was adapted into a mini-series by A&E.

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Harry wiped the sweat off his forehead. The potions room was currently an unearthly temperature. Harry suspected Snape did this purposely on the day they were making warming potions.

"all right! Your potions should be a light salmon hue with the odor of spoilt eggs. If this is not the case, twenty points from your house," Snape's voice resounded across the dungeon.

Water was beginning to condense on the walls because of the heat, however Snape and the Slytherins looked as cool as cucumbers. The Gryffindors were soaking through their robes with perspiration. Neville's potion was a dark azure and smelled like lavender.

"Get out you stupid boy! This is completely unacceptable. A cooling potion? It's a miracle you didn't blow up your cauldron this class. Potter! Try your potion."

"But Sir, it's hot in here," Harry whined.

"Good, drink up."

"You-know-who won't be pleased with this development..."

Harry let the threat hang in the air. The class gasped, what did this mean? Was this 'The' You-Know-Who? Was you-know-who a nonspecific you-know-who, and you-dont-know-who-because-it's-someone-else's-conversation?

"Is You-Know-Who capitalized, Harry?" Said Hermione, trying to sort out who Harry was talking about.

"I don't know what you are talking about, Potter. Five points to Gryffindor for veiled threats. Ten points from Gryffindor for your cheek."

"Five... Minus ten... So," Harry madly began to calculate whether Snape had ultimately given Gryffindor five points or taken them away, "so, plus five points!" He jumped up knocking his chair into Goyle's cauldron. The potion exploded. The entire classroom was covered in yellow goo, which had the consistency of vomit.

"Three thousand points from Gryffindor!"

"Oh no!" Harry exclaimed.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW!" Malfoy screamed and latched onto Seamus' arm earning him a glare from both Dean and Harry.

"My bad," realizing his mistake, he grabbed Dean's arm too and gave Harry a look.

On his way to dinner, Harry was feeling down and was starting to have his doubts about his... He didn't even know what. Whatever it was it was supposed to be exclusive, not all access. This isn't fucking kindergarten. He didn't want to goddamn share! BAAAAAHH!

_He's such a whore!_ Harry thought, _I can't believe it. All this jealousy reminds me of the dance. Draco-kins was dancing with all those people. He probably danced with Cho. Stupid bint. Wasn't Cedric at that dance? What the hell happened to him. He looked like shit. His arms were all wrinkled. I hope I don't look that bad with dark circles under my eyes. Honestly, what was he thinking showing up to a social event like that._

Distracted, Harry voiced his thoughts, "Hey, 'Mioney-pants, wasn't Cedric at the dance?"

"Yeah, he was. He looked really ill, looked like wizard flu to me. I don't understand why people go out when they're so sick. They just spread it to everyone else. Irresponsible, if you ask me."

"Yeah, I didn't ask you for your opinion on that, just if he looked sick. So, Ron, what do you think about that? It could be one of Voldemort's plans. Weaken me with the wizard flu, and then take me out once and for all!"

"Blimey! Harry, that sounds like Voldemort all right."

"Don't be stupid, Ronald. That sounds absolutely ridiculous!"

"Shut up, Hermione. What would you know?" Harry said, defending his explanation.

"Harry Potter! How dare you speak to me like that! I have done nothing but save your ass these past several years, and then you make a comment like that!" Hermione spat.

"You know he didn't mean it Hermaphrodi-- I mean, Hermione. You know how irrational he gets. It's best to just nod or encourage him politely, otherwise he goes berser- Anyway, he was right about Malfoy last year."

"What do you mean 'He goes all berser?" Harry narrowed his eyes, "You weren't going to say berserk were you, _Ronald_?"

"Of course he wasn't, it's the latest thing. Everyone's saying it. It means inquisitive."

"I see," said Harry. You could practically hear the cogs turning in his brain as he processed this new information; and in Hermione's case, the cogs were quite audible.

"I'm going to go on a berser mission to find out if Malfoy is cheating on me!" Harry announced suddenly.

Hermione spluttered pumpkin juice all over the table, and began to have a coughing fit.

"You don't need to go all detective to find that out," Ron said quietly under his breath while patting Hermione on the back a little too hard.

"Ronald! You're hurting me!"

"Sorry, my bad."

Harry ran out of the Great Hall cackling like a madman. Ten minutes later a figure clad in a black leotard, black spandex pants, and black panty hose over his face burst forth into the Great Hall. Harry had donned his 'Spy gear' (aka his Aunt's underwear drawer) once more to find out once and for all if Malfoy was as faithful as his name.

Harry broke several dishes on the Ravenclaw table as he attempted to 'slink' across it in order to get closer to the Slytherin table. He slowly crawled his way across the table soaking several Ravenclaws, who didn't get away in time, with pumpkin juice.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Cho screamed at him. Apparently he wasn't as stealthy as he thought. _Quick, I need a disguise before Draco sees what I'm doing. He's looking right at me. It's because Cho keeps screaming,_ Harry thought.

He grabbed handfuls of mashed potatoes and smeared them all over his body. _Now they'll never recognize me! Now I just have to quiet her down._

"Shut up, Bitch."

Shocked that Harry had used such language with her and awed by his male prowess, Cho immediately fell silent. Harry continued on in his mission until he reached the middle of the Ravenclaw table, and then he took out a blow torch. This cleared the remaining Ravenclaws from the table, save Cho who was watching Harry with a dreamy look in her eye. He burned a hole in the center of the table and dove through the ring of fire. With catlike agility, he crawled under the benches and across to underneath the Slytherin table.

"Mother hawk, I'm in the fortress," Harry said to no one in particular.

"What on Earth is he doing?" Hermione asked Ron in disbelief. Unbeknownst to him, Harry's antics had captured the attention of the entire Great Hall.

"I told you not to question him. He goes out and does stuff like this when you do." Ron gestured across the hall. "Right shame, I bet he even forgot he owned an invisibility cloak. Sometimes I think he runs on just irrational, or in this case completely rational, paranoia."

"Makes sense, then these irrational paranoia drive him to commit social atrocities like this one. Ooh, remember Bill's Wedding? Gosh, the bride's side nearly had to stand for the entire six hour ceremony because he burned all their chairs because he thought they were demons sent by Voldemort. Lucky there were extra," Hermione commented.

"Oh gods, how could I forget. He did wander through a forrest for a week before that, fueled only by peyote and paint thinner. Considering, I think he did fairly well at the ceremony."

"True. Should we go and save him from complete social estrangement?"

"Ahh, the question of the hour, all right. Better sooner rather than later," Ron said, grabbing two costumes identical to the one Harry was currently sporting.

The two emptied the contents of their plates onto themselves and made their way over to the under belly of the Slytherin table.

"Harry, mate, any news?" Ron said crouching down next to him.

"Nope, I haven't got anything."

"Maybe it's because we're sitting under Millicent Bulstrode and Pansy. Oooh Panse! Nice knickers!"

"Oh, you're such a dear. Thanks, Hermione, love!" Pansy Parkinson said, ducking down to see who was currently peeking up her nightie. "Draco is at the end, loves! Good luck!"

"Whore!" Harry yelled from under the table. "He's this way, I just know it," Harry said heading towards the end of the table, "Call it what you want. It's my lover's intuition."

"Harry, it's women's intuition." Hermione replied, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, that's it." He said, reaching the last two pairs of legs under the table.

"So, Which one is he?" Asked Ron.

"I don't know. Shit!" Harry cursed. "I have an idea"

Harry leaned forward and grabbed the crotch belonging to the legs on the right.

"OOooohh, I've got a new best friend!"

"Fuck, it was Zambini." Harry informed them.

"How do you know?" Hermione asked, genuinely curious.

Harry gave her an incredulous look. "What do you do if some strange hand grabbed your gear?"

"Well, I'd be startled. I might yell-"

"Exactly, only Blaise Zambini is not at all startled when you grab him suddenly by the crotch."

"Interesting discovery," Ron replied, looking slightly put off.

"So this," Harry said, grabbing the other crotch, "must be Draco..."

The resounding girlish shriek confirmed Harry's suspicions.

"Quick! Before he sees!" Harry whispered urgently to Ron and Hermione. They scooted under Zambini's robe before Draco could see his assailant.

"Looks like I've got company," They heard Blaise say.


	12. The Voice of Reason

**Chapter Whatever: THE VOICE OF REASON!**

_Previously on Thanks for the Socks:_

_The resounding girlish shriek confirmed Harry's suspicions._

_"Quick! Before he sees!" Harry whispered urgently to Ron and Hermione. They scooted under Zambini's robe before Draco could see his assailant._

_"Looks like I've got company," They heard Blaise say._

"I can't believe he doesn't wear any underwear!" Hermione screeched until Ron smacked his hand over her mouth and began fondling her breasts.

"It helps calm her down," Ron said, informing Blaise.

"I'll bet it does…" Blaise snaked his hands down into his robes trying to cop a feel, but all he managed to do was finger was Ron's incredibly long nose.

"You'll bet it does what? Zambini? I thought you weren't serious about setting an erumpent loose in the Hufflepuff common room."

"Draco, who said anything about erumpents?"

"That's it! I've had ENOUGH! People are saying one thing or another and the inquisition has seemed to found it's way back under your robes again, Zambini!…_Vaya! Vaya, Babosos!_ Seriously, what is going on with this place! Dumbledore thinks he is a muggle pimp combining the best of the elktromintic muggle world with the slutty old school tactics of the wizarding world- this isn't some school for common sluttery and obliging wizards. Now I'm embroiled in a dramatic relationship of a school boy enemy gone wrong, and a love triangle with the new and improved now hotter Dark Lord. You lot," Draco gestured at Pansy and Goyle, "are in league with two Gryffindors… parading around in ridiculous outfits and GOD! Will Fatbottom just commit suicide already! It's clearly just a cry for attention."

"Well, I'm never noticed! I'm expected to play some second rate character to Harry Potter. A clumsy idiot that just goes along with whatever… I could have been him! THE PROPHECY COULD HAVE BEEN ABOUT ME! I was born in July!" Neville pointed to the mass of people failing to hide under Blaise's robes, and then ran out of the hall howling for his grandmother.

Draco continued, "SHUT UP! No one cares! But this is ridiculous…. We've never ever had a dance in the first week of school, in fact I think it against school rules. There are drug busts and muggles, and ribbon dance fighting, which I will admit, Dumbledore, has changed my opinion about you to say the least… the gods were smiling upon you that day. But everything else, this is a mockery of an institution this is!"

"Harry won't take a weird sock he found off his penis, so I can't lose my virginity and make babies with him after weeks of unsuccessful supple muscle caresses and long hours of make out sessions where my tongue gently probes at his entrance and his tongue finally allows me to gain entry. I give up. I'm climbing back from whence I came. MOTHER! I am going back in your womb!"

"Well that was certainly unexpected," Michael Phillips informed them from his perch on top the pumpkin juice pitcher, "this _still_ isn't the performance yet, is it?"

"No. I don't believe it is," said Lady In Red, the leader of the Inquisition, lipsticked with a mustachio (A/N: what I've decided to call a greased long curly mustache), who was languidly stretched out across the floor on his side with his elbow supporting his head and staring straight under the Slytherin table, trying to get a glimpse of under Blaise's robes.

"Fuck, this is the 3rd time tonight! How am I ever going to get there?" Michael stood up and walked up to the head table, wrenched open the top of flitwicks hat despite much protest from the little man, and stepped through to arrive in a vineyard in France. Apparently, it was finally the Death Eater showcase, and Michael Phillips was extremely glad he went… I mean Lucius Malfoy was absolutely delightful and totally worth the 50 galleon entrance fee. I honestly didn't know he was such a talented interpretive dancer, I was beyond tears at his Moon battles the Sun for the Eclipse number.

"Well that was completely different," said Hermione, in her informative, know it all bookworm, show-off voice.

"No, shit," said Ron, "I must be a genius to have figured that one out before you."

"Alright, ho-bags!" Dumbledore stood up to address the rapidly escalating scene from under the Slytherin table. "Why is your drama always cramping my style? You three… Ahhh," a look of comprehension dawned on Dumbledore.

He scrambled out of the great hall mumbling something along the lines of, "Have to call Tom, golden trio's drama is the secret weapon going to bring about the end of him. They always foil his plots because they are always IN drama! That's how they do it!" He threw his hands in the air!

Harry started crying, wailing and sobbing. "Why is he talking shit about me! I thought he liked me… and Malfoy's been cheating on me, I've been cheating on him with Crabbe…"

Blaise Zambini passed him a bowl of milk and cereal under the table, which Harry stuck his face in and flung his hair backwards showering Ron, Hermione and Zambini's robes with milky granola-oats.

"SOOOOO much better!" Harry exclaimed.

"WHAT ABOUT ME! I'm not better!" Draco ran across the hall shrieking, eventually clambering onto the Ravenclaw table and stomping on their breakfast plates.

"Do you think Madame Pomfrey has a restraint jacket?" Hermione asked kindly.

"Maybe my new look will calm him down, it certainly helped me forget how easily he spread his shit alllllllll 'round town….Oh no he didn't…"

Blaise was surprised that the milk flattened down Potter's unruly bushel of head pubes, and having the granola smattered about his hair as conversation pieces was a dazzling effect… and he wondered why the hell Potter was still harping on about unfaithful, psychotic Malfoy with hair like that! Blaise acted quickly and opened the front of potters trousers and warmed the sock that was conveniently placed with a quick spell."

"Harry's eyes fogged over and ran after Malfoy."

"Damn Zambini, it would seem that I've been hanging around Granger too much in broom closets, and in the potions lab, and in my private office, and under the head table, and in Weasley's bed. That quick thinking tells me you're a man of action, and don't we ALL love men of action! FORTY SEVEN HUNDRED points to Gryffindor!" Snape had suddenly appeared out of Flitwicks hat, bellowing to the entire hall. He was also wearing a pink frilly dressing gown with red lipstick smeared all over his face.

"Umm, Sir," Blaise was confused.

"DEAR GOD NO! I've made a huge mistake! FORTY… EIGHT hundred points to Slytherin that should fix it." Snape announced, counting on his fingers.

"Oh and minus 10 from Ravenclaw for allowing their table to become such a mess. I mean honestly, who allows themselves to be embarrassed in public like that. And Diggory, sit at your own table! Also, see Madame Pomfrey, you look disastrous. Hmmm, actually I believe you're trying to give Potter flu at the command of the Dark Lord. One billion points from hufflepuff for your treachery. Muahahaha." With a smack of his stained red lips he disappeared back into Flitwick's hat.

"Look's like someone put his lipstick on in the car," Dean said airily to Seamus, who nodded looking offended. *

Cho began to cry and brush her teeth, a stress habit she'd picked up after Cedric died, and then once again when a seventh year Ravenclaw had found out she had dug up Cedric. She petrified the Ravenclaw and hid him under her bed for later use.

The rest of the morning passed uneventfully. Peeves had managed to clog all of the toilets at Hogwarts so at the behest of their headmaster, the school began dumping their bedpans into the Hufflepuff common room fireplace and have the excrement flooed to the ministry, specifically Fudge's office. It was part of Dumbledore's plan to overthrow the Ministry with a shit-storm of criticism. This was section 1.A. of his 4-point plan, which he had e-mailed to his brother Aberfoth and Hagrid. Aberforth's extensive knowledge and finesse with goats would come to use in part 1.B. also, Hagrid's knowledge of everything horrible in the wizarding world would be needed in part 2.A. Dumbledore was trying to overthrow the Ministry for two reasons:

1) He wanted to get there before Lord Voldemort did because they had a bet that whoever overthrew the ministry first would be able to imprison Fudge at their house… also it goes without saying that the winner would have unlimited _access_ to Kingsley Shacklebolt.

2) He still held a grudge against Fudge for being such a dick to him after the Tri-Wizard Tournament, even though Fudge apologized after Lord Voldemort went to his office in the fifth book and stole all the parchment.

3) He wanted to stick it to the man.

Currently Fudge was screaming at his assistant to clear the rapidly growing collection of excrement materializing all over his office. He was curled up under his desk, and he had barely managed to keep his shirt free from feces when Rita Skeeter popped down with her feet stuck on the ceiling, her Quick Quotes Quill™ already taking notes.

"_So Fudgey_, can I call you that? So Fudgey, when did things start to go downhill for you? When did you decide that poop was the new black? Do think this bed pan recycling program is going well? Are the bedpan products used to feed the dementors? How is this related to Harry Potter? Did you and Harry Potter team up to use poop to defeat the Dark Lord? Is it true that you hang around the house elf bathhouses in Knockturn Alley, as Lucius Malfoy has so kindly informed us?"

The evening found Hermione in Harry's bed. Malfoy had accused him of being gay, so he ran off with Hermione to try to make out with her. It ended up with Harry mostly sucking on her chin and sometimes her forehead, while she tried to 'convince' him to take the sock off,.

"Oh it's no use… You're no fun and you're terrible at this. No wonder Ginny's been after you. Ronald!"

Ron rolled out from under Harry's bed looking rather put out. He had agreed to let Hermione make out with Harry, not because they were in an open relationship on facebook with Pansy and Goyle, but because Malfoy had stood him up in the Slytherin changing rooms. Also, he was mad at Snape for sleeping with Hermione in his bed, while he watched under Harry's invisibility cloak. That way, both Malfoy and Snape would be hurt in Ronald's 2-point plan, in which he only had one point.

"Yes, 'Mione?"

"I have detention with Snape, so maybe you can… oh wait you're a boy, so that would make Harry gay. Nevermind."

"Can I come?"

"No of course you may not!" Hermione stomped out of the boy's dormitory indignantly.

"Is she gone?" Harry asked.

"Yes, she's bloody gone! You saw her leave! No wonder you're dating Malfoy."

"I AM NOT DATING HIM! I AM NOT GAY. We just happen to fight a lot. Anyway, we broke up… he's unfaithful, and after his performance in the great hall, I honestly don't think I can be seen with someone so delusional." Harry explained calmly.

"Yeah, it's probably for the best," Ron sighed, "Well I guess I'm going to put itching powder in Creevy's bed. Dumbledore's been asking me to do it everyday, paying me 10 galleons a day. I think I have detention with McGonagall too for drinking pumpkin juice too quickly."

"Wow, she really wants your shit."

"Is that why she keeps giving me detention for tripping in the hall? Hey, she _has_ been asking me to clean the transfiguration room in my underwear with a toothbrush while she watches!"

"Yeah, I think I should go find Malfoy, that's a good idea, Ron. Maybe he's less delusional… do you think Hermione will pinch a solution of Joan of Ark's Anti-Psychosis solution for me?"

"Yeah, I hear they're making chewing tablets now."

"Super. I'm off to the dungeons. Have fun plundering McGonagall's Azkaban!"

Harry skipped all the way down to the dungeons, until came across a frightful scene. Hermione was on the ground unconscious in the corridor, her robes crumpled around her. Harry ran up to her and desperately tried to shake her awake.

"Hermione! Hermione! You can't be dead! You still have to help me with the horcruxes! I can't figure them out by myself and Ron is as thick as the cauldron bottoms Percy keeps talking about."

Harry started crying hysterically and memories flooded back to him… Hermione helping him with his transfiguration homework, Hermione in the library all the time, Hermione trying to make out with him to prove to Malfoy he was straight… he proved Malfoy wrong didn't he! Hermione lecturing him on not wearing his underwear under his robes during a quidditch match, Hermione eating breakfast with him in the Great Hall, Hermione coming to the Dursley's and freeing him from slavery, Hermione in the house elf bath house, Hermione throwing a fit in the hallway because Harry dropped one of her potions books, Hermione telling him he was a wizard…. Hermione… _WAIT A MINUTE,_ Harry realized at once…

"Enervate!" Harry screamed and pointed his wand into Hermione's giant bush of a head. Hermione's eyes opened wide and she looked around, then at Harry.

"Who did this to you… What happened!" Harry asked urgently.

"I… I don't know, Harry. I was running down the corridor to Snape's office for fu-, I mean detention and then I was hit by a spell. I'm not sure where it came from…"

"Well it definitely wasn't the basilisk then."

"I thought you killed it Harry!"

"I did but then Cho dug it up, said something about them dating in second year and wanting more time to reconnect."

"Looks like we have another mystery on our hands," Hermione said knowingly.

OMG what will happen next! Will they find out who stunned Hermione on her way down to the dungeons for Snape's detention? Did Ron have it off with McGonagall, even though she's Dumbledore's man, I mean woman? Who will Lucius Malfoy discover visiting the house elf bath house? Is Aberfoth a competent goat charmer? AND How exactly is Harry's sock firmly attached to his undercarriage despite Hermione's fervent attempts to pull it off?

All coming up next week on Friends… I mean next chapter.

*This line was not mine, it belongs to Arrested Development – which is the best show ever to have graced TV. For realzies.

Love it? Hate it? Think I've lost my touch after all these years? Think I need new pants? Think I deserve a raise? Requests to have Harry remove the sock?

You know what to do… press that review button. Also, thanks to everyone who has reviewed in the past… You do not go un-noticed, actually that's why I started writing this story again. If I made you laugh, then my job here is done.

XOXO

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**Princess kyra **


	13. Dumbledore's Password is STILL what!

A Short Thank you to those fabulously wonderful people that pressed the review button, and made my day. And another short thank you to those of you who at least read my on-coming psychosis rambles. Wandlorean – this chapta's for you, doll face!

MPREG! One hot fresh mess, coming right up. Because who doesn't love a beer gut on a 17 year old guy with a baby inside. Also, au naturally!

Ch. 26: **Why the Bloody Hell is Dumbledore's Password Still Sherbet Lemon**

So, where were we? Ah, yes… Hermione was stretched out like a beached whale on the cold stone floor of one of the dungeon corridors. Harry was murmuring about more mysteries and not having finished the first one.

"I mean Voldemort is still alive, Hermione. I think that's a little bit more important that trying to figure out who tripped you in the hallway," Harry said skeptically.

"Oh, right, so when 'Harry Potter' wants to run all over the school doing stupid things like stealing Dumbledore's underwear to frame Colin Creevy and stalking Malfoy and putting his name in the goblet of fire-"

"I DIDN'T PUT MY NAME IN THE GOBLET! IT WAS BARTY CROUCH, junior!"

"MMMhmmm," Hermione rolled her eyes at him, "So me being attacked in the hallway isn't as big of a deal as someone stealing a rock, or you hallucinating things that never actually happened. Harry, I expected a bit more out of you. I did all your homework, and…" Hermione's eye was starting to twitch out of anger, and her fists were balled up at her sides. Harry could tell she was going to slap, and soon.

"Ok, Ok, OK! We will figure out who tried to… 'stun' you in the hallway." Harry's reluctant words seemed to dispel some of the anger coursing it's way through Hermione's nubile body. "BUT! You have to help me keep tabs on Malfoy- you didn't help me in book 6, and look how that turned out!"

"Ok, ok, OK!" Hermione agreed even more reluctantly than Harry did. "So, I guess we should start by looking around down here… Snape's office is down the hall, and there's an intersecting passage way right over there! They could have easily stood there and fired a quick succession of curses at me and sped off! Maybe they left some trace of themselves behind."

"So, I guess it seems you have it all figured out. Can I go?" Harry said looking around bored.

"Shut up, Harry. No you cannot go. I could be attacked again!" Hermione screeched.

Harry covered his ears and muttered under his breath, "Let's hope so," as Hermione stomped down the hallway, dragging him by the front of his robes.

"Ok, now look around the corner and see if anyone is there... I'm sure they've left already, but…" Hermione trailed off as she saw Harry walking off in the opposite direction talking to someone that just appeared out of the tapestry of Bodleian the Big Breasted mating with Hangar the Werewolf. That union spawned the love child known as Terence the Tapestry Occupier who mated with Meredith the Wallflower, they spawned Flavius the Flirtatious who mated with Barge the Belligerent, which beget Merlin the Ostentatious (not pictured).

"No wonder you stunned her, she's terribly dramatic and she just breathes so heavily, it's like you're constantly around a large wild animal or something. It's like ahhhhh hwhah ahhh hwhahhh ahhhhh all the fucking time." Harry turned his head back towards Hermione before stepping around the corner.

"Yeah, mystery solved, he stunned you," Harry said pointing at a first year Slytherin that neither Harry nor Hermione had ever met before. Mind you, the members of the triumvirate never allowed themselves to be seen consorting with _first years_. Ron usually tried to kick them discreetly in the hallway in between classes. Harry decided press the Slytherin for possible information concerning Voldemort under two assumptions: 1) The Slytherin's father is a death eater 2) He would be so awed by his chosen majesty that he would easily relay any valuable information.

"Yeah, I know. She can be soooooo annoyyyyying. She thinks I get obsessed with Siri- I mean my godfather all the time. No wondering you stopped her trampling down the corridor."

The first year grinned, "Yeah, thought I saw her heading to our common rooms breathing like a water buffalo… decided it was a good idea." He puffed his chest out proudly.

"Well, good on you. Anyway, I was hoping you might be able to tell me what Malfoy… Draco Malfoy is doing right now. I've been hoping to catch up with him to talk about our brea- I mean, potions homework… it's a joint assignment"

"Oh, the one you keep making out with in the great hall… and on the train to Hogwarts… and in the Slytherin common room… and-"

"No you idiot we've been _fighting_. Malfoy and I don't make out, that's ridiculous. I mean we're school rivals, of course. That's why this potions assignment is such a pain. I mean, god, put it to Snape to have us work together on an out of class assignment. I mean really, I wonder what he's thinking."

At that very moment, Severus Snape was having a melt down because Hermione had stood him up again. _She's probably off with that daft ginger again,_ he thought miserably, _he's so obviously challenged with brain activity… I don't know why my best student would ever-_

Hermione bursting into his office; her chest heaving in great gasps of air, and exhaling them into her professor's face interrupted his train of increasingly morose thoughts.

"Ewgh, How did you manage to eat garlic for breakfast?" He asked with disgust. "Detention cancelled you may go."

"But professor! I brought something special," she said gesturing to a package of edible underwear that expired in 1982.

"Eugh, just get out of my office," Snape said sternly. He debated between the expired edible underwear, his favorite and braving the stench that was issuing out of her cavernous mouth. With a shudder, he remembered the last time he had to brave such an offensive olfactory assault… he was helping Voldemort brush his teeth for the first time in 20 years. After Voldemort got his new body… not his new new fit body, which was also his _old_ old body, I mean the one he got when he boiled his father's dried testicles with a fetus in a cauldron and re-united the dream team after 14 years. Frustrated with Harry Potter's abrupt exit, and the fact that no one noticed he had gotten new dress robes since 1982. (A/N: I mean, the shoulder pads were just ridiculous on those things, I mean. Hello! Also, the green spandex jump suit he sometimes flashed underneath when he needed an extra strong _avada _was not helping the rumors about… well… why else would you have to conquer the world – ummmm… did someone say compensate much?) Regardless, Voldemort was shamed, and in order to gain the family honor he _so_ much desired, he decided much like Cho he would have to cleanse himself, and since he didn't know how to do that emotionally – he settled on physically. Snape strongly suspected that Voldemort was just pretending that he didn't know how to brush his teeth and bathe himself so that Voldemort could get close to him, though he had no concrete proof… except a slight crotch grope and the hint of a nipple tweak. Unfortunately, not enough to file sexual harassment charges and liberate all the death eaters, except for Lucius who seemed mostly confused instead of exasperated by Voldemort's unnecessary complex plans and settled on huffing Beeble's Best Sticking Solution™ as a means to gain a 'greater understanding'.

Needless to say, these fragrant circumstances brought about some unpleasant memories. He realized that Hermione Granger (a.k.a. stubborn bitch, I mean witch of the century) would definitely not be trying to leave his damn office any time soon. He needed a plan of action. He needed…

"Professor McGonagall has _detention_ with Weasley right now. She said something about a toothbrush and underwear," his voice dripping with implication, as he doodled on his desk. He added to be certain, "I'm sure you can figure that one out."

Hermione didn't even waste time on a response. She barreled out of Snape's office and stampeded through several shortcuts to find herself outside the great hall.

Meanwhile, "Umm, last I saw of Malfoy he was crying in the common room. I think Pansy Parkinson was with him… I guess they were 'fighting'." The grossly unimportant and not worth the effort of naming Slytherin tried in response to Harry's interrogation.

"Were they _fighting_ or were they fighting?"

"Er, _fighting_?" the first year said looking extremely puzzled.

"FUCK! Ok, I need more information on Malfoy… What is the Slytherin common room password? I need his schedule!"

Seeing the wild, and fairly psychotic look in Harry's eyes, Henry Thibault rushed to tell him, "Uh, password is troll balls, and I don't know Malfoy's schedule. All I know was he was sobbing about a shameful deed? I dunno."

"A shameful deed? Or a Seamus and Dean?" Harry's eyes were bulging and his eyes were rolling around in their sockets, he was starting to drool.

"I don't know!" The first year said starting to look quite frightened, he was eyeing further up the corridor, contemplating a dash when Harry tripped him and shoved him into a suit of armor.

"That's for stunning 'Mione!" Harry roared rabidly as he sped off in the direction he came. Luckily, next to the sock in his voluminous under garments he had also situated the Marauder's map, which could have eliminated interrogating the first year about Voldemort, though once again Harry was running on irrational paranoia and paint thinner. Harry's eyes scoured the map and stared down at the Slytherin common room. Two dots- one labeled Pansy and the other labeled Draco- were very very very closely moving against each other!

Harry let out a high pitch, ear-drum ripping scream and ran faster down corridors up some stairs, and finally, once he was outside the Slytherin common room, into the wall with a sickening crack. He blinked his eyes trying not to cry from the pain induced by his intense cranial trauma, and stumbled to his feet. As he caught his breath, he contemplated what he was about to do, _I can't fucking storm in there like an idiot, I should probably act suave – like I'm supposed to be there… yeah! That way Malfoy won't be so temperamental when I formally accuse him of treachery and being a Death Eater in front of his entire house._ He pulled out a worn, greasy, and stained brown bag out of his pocket. After placing it around his nose and mouth he inhaled several times.

"AHAhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That's better!" Harry exclaimed, tucking the bag away…

Harry burst through the door yelling at the top of his lungs to find pansy trying to grind with Malfoy who looked both interested and disinterested. When he saw Harry he jumped backwards into the air, sending a gyrating Pansy over the other side of the couch.

"Potter! What are you doing here this isn't just some sort of quidditch match you can crash with your good looks and spotty face!"

"I didn't have time for polyjuice potion this time, Malfoy."

"Polyjuice potion?" Malfoy looked confused.

"UGH! Do I have to explain everything to you! In second year when I opened your chamber of secrets, I mean when the chamber of secrets was opened, Ron was really into this role playing game, so he polyjuiced into Goyle and Hermione into Millicent so that they could play chamber of secrets in Crabbe's bed while I watched you undress in the showers as Goyle! Do I have to spell everything out!"

"Ummm," Malfoy was slightly flabbergasted and began turning red, but before he could even think of something to say Harry rambled on incoherently.

"I'm sick of your games, I'm sick of you not being with me and going around with everyone. I've banged half of your house trying to get you to notice me and it hasn't worked!"

"Errr?" Malfoy was equally flabbergasted.

"And I don't want to blame it all on Sirius' death, but that certainly didn't help things!"

Malfoy stared at Harry bluntly, clearly becoming more and more disinterested as Harry became more desperate. Pansy was picking herself up off of the floor, ready to start tearing away at Harry for making Draco so carelessly toss her onto the floor. She scrambled over the back of the couch, and launched herself at the babbling Gryffindor. Harry toppled onto the floor, and they were both rolling around on the floor of the Slytherin common room trying to swipe at each other. Harry began to cry, a side effect of emotional turmoil and a hint of paint thinner overdose.

"YOU BITCH! That boy is mine!" Harry shrieked.

"I'm sorry that you, seem to be CONFUSED! He belongs to me!" Pansy half sang, half roared back at Harry while sinking a particular well-aimed elbow into his rib cage.

"Oof! You need to give it UP! I had about enough!" Harry was now beginning to sing an out of key duet with Pansy, whilst yanking Pansy's hair in time with the music. Draco quickly lost all of the respect he gained for Harry, as fighting Pansy had re-affirmed Draco's insecurities in their _fighting_; however, the out of tune wailing that was accompanying Harry's off beat shimmying and stomping was re-re-affirming Draco's belief that Harry was bonkers.

"Get away it's my time to shine, if you didn't know the boy is mine!" Harry was now up on the table, trying to bring it home and miserably failing. Pansy managed to get Harry's hand from out of her hair, but continued dancing on the table. All of the students in the Slytherin dormitories and the members from the other houses they were sleeping with all had all poured out into the common room hearing the cacophony from upstairs, and at Draco's impassiveness began leering at Harry. A couple brave first years were making lewd hand gestures about Harry's sock that was exposed through a rip in his robes and underwear during the rumble with Pansy. Pansy ripped off her top in an effort **to** top Harry's wardrobe malfunction.

"Sod it, Pansy! Remember Goyle?" He said desperately gesturing to the only person in the room staring up at them with a raised eyebrow. Goyle nodded his head to Pansy and then to Draco – it hit him like a lighting bolt… a second lighting bolt… a second rebounding _avada kadavara… THE EPIPHANY OF HIS LIFETIME!_ Ron's 2 point plan – actually Ron's mistake 2 point plan, but actually 1 point plan. He swung around on the dancing pole that had appeared on the table that Harry and Pansy were disgracing, as dancing poles come standard with every karaoke battle at Hogwarts, and in one fell swoop he grabbed Pansy and pulled her into a kiss. If by kiss you mean a frantic face mashing. Pandemonium struck the Slytherin common room. It was Draco's turn to become rabid, he began clawing at all the upholstery in a jealous rage. Foam was frothing down the front of his robes. Several first years tried to flee but were trampled by a mob stampede and a conga line making their way around the room.

Harry immediately dropped Pansy and screamed, "SIRIUS! You're back!" Only to be very disappointed that Sirius and rabies did not go hand in hand. With bits of green leather dangling from his mouth, Draco broke through the conga line of Slytherins, and for the second time that day Harry was dragged by the front of his robes down a hallway.

"Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley were in my bed? Why didn't I see them?" Crabbe asked Goyle, his face screwed up in absolute confusion. Goyle merely shrugged, picked up Pansy, and headed back to the boys dormitory.

Draco threw Harry to the floor outside the Slytherin Common Room ™, and began gnawing at his face.

"Draco! Draco! It's ok!" Harry said expressively. Draco's facial expression immediately changed. His angular features softened and vulnerability crept into his eyes.

"You know – the reason I've been at you all these years. I just… I just really wanted you to be my friend all those years ago. I thought, maybe if I could be Harry Potter's friend then my dad would actually be proud of me, and that," Draco's voice was full of emotion as tears slipped silently down his pale features. He brushed his silver hair back from his eyes, "I wouldn't be so self-conscious if I could make friends my dad didn't have to threaten and pay."

"Shhh, I know," Harry said soothingly, "it's ok. Your dad is too befuddled to ever be disappointed in you. Anyway, it's all in the past. All the fighting and being at each other's throats is just pure unadulterated sexual tension, tearing at our bodies." Harry said dramatically as he flung himself down onto the blonde, and silver met emerald as Harry's lips pressed onto Draco's soft mouth. Soon, their kisses became more urgent as their tongues fought for dominance. Their limbs became entangled as Harry moaned, rubbing himself against Draco – feeling each other's arousal… JUST KIDDING!

Harry and Draco played hide the sausage in front of the Slytherin entrance as Snape, Dumbledore, and Cedric's body – now deserted in the dungeons by Cho who had absconded with the basilisk – watched from behind several tapestries, their feet sticking out from underneath. Lupin was hidden most terribly behind a torch. Nearly Headless Nick was hovering shamelessly above them, offering advice and encouragement as Peeves clapped. Pendleforth, the school portrait painter set himself up two feet away from the boys, who thought they were rolling around in the most romantic, sensual, erotic fashion, set about to paint their undignified thrashing and gorilla-like grunting and to permanently record it at Dumbledore and Voldemort's request. It became known as the Potter-Malfoy sexcapades and was included in the current edition of _Hogwarts, a History_ as the first wizarding sex tape with two blokes that _weren't_ gay. The finished portrait was placed just outside the potions classroom at Snape's request. Harry reached for his brown bag, for his post-coital pepper up, which was also included in the picture.

"Cornelius Fudge is right, Malfoy's really will say anything to get laid," Harry remarked casually, sitting up against the stonewall.

"Where did you hear that?" Draco started to take offense.

"It was in the Daily Prophet this morning," Harry shrugged, "so it must be true."

"I guess so," Draco mimicked his noncommittal shrug, and took a quick whiff of the bag Harry passed him.

"What in Barnaby's name have you been doing with your face in here for 10 minutes?" Draco asked astounded, " This is worse than Draught of the Living Death, awww, bloody hell, Harry!"

"You don't like paint thinner?" Harry was astounded, his mind scrambled to action… however one of his two neurons skipped work that day. Ten minutes later Harry was worried that Draco would make Harry stop huffing paint thinner and his 'spiritual prophecies' would no longer be available. Draco did not give two fucks worth 7 damns, but more than 34 bitches.

"Paint what? Nevermind, I don't want to know, but this absolutely just explains everything there is to know about you."

"Oh really Malfoy! You thhin y'know e'erythengbout me? Huh?" Harry raised his voice, slurring with his eyes crossing back and forth in different directions. Harry stumbled to his feet, and mumbling something like 'crumple horned snorkaks' on the loose, weaved his way bouncing from wall to wall and tumbling down several staircases on his way to Gryffindor tower before blacking out.

"Is that considered consensual?" Draco asked the seemingly empty corridor, Pendleforth had cleared out long before the boys realized they were being painted.

"Yes…I guess so, should be…" a chorus of voices came from various places along the hallway, and from what Draco could tell there were about fifteen legs coming out from under all the tapestries. Horrified that the paint thinner appeared to have affected him more than he thought, he stumbled down the hallway only to crash down a staircase of his very own, better than the one he had been wishing for each Christmas, and lay spread eagle, unconscious, blacked out.

Hagrid was the first to speak, "So, wad' d'we do?"

To which Dumbledore serenely replied, "I should think that it would work itself out, I have much more important things to be doing than seeing to two boys get it- I mean get to their common rooms." He sashayed down the corridor and fluttered around the corner, muttering about locations for the marvelous painting.

**So bitches, what will come next week… all your questions will be answered and then those answers will bring more harder questions to fruition? What exactly are your questions? **

**How many days are in a year? Will Lucius ever make his way back into the story? **

**Will I stop making fun of the over-used 'get together' language for Harry/Draco foreplaysex?**

**Will Hermione stop, just stop? Is Snape using Colin Creevy for drugs? Who is the real Pendleforth? **

**Will Goyle win the Nobel Peace Prize and an Order of Merlin 1****st**** class tickets to the next Quidditch World Cup with a premium portkey?**

**Does any of this even matter? Does anyone even read this shit besides wandlorean? I hope so – the life of this story is at stake. Leave some love – a review. I don't bite. **

**Also, that song is Boy is Mine or some shit with Brandy, I don't know it's a kinda shitty song but expresses my personal life right now. JK LOLZZZzzzzzzz – **

**This could potentially be a chapter not as good as the rest I dunno we'll see, so review anyway if you give a damn. I'm losing my touch, inspire me. Touch my dreams.**


	14. The Chapter That Should Have Been Called

**Ch. 413, 309: The Chapter that should have been called Why is Dumbledore's Password still Sherbet Lemon**

Goyle was taking his customary stroll through the dungeons following dinner that evening. He'd grown accustomed to walking pensively through the halls following a sumptuous dinner at Hogwarts. The hustle and bustle of the castle seemed to take all the energy out of his independent academic pursuits and meditations through the castle seemed to clear his head of unnecessary worries and lurking gossip. It was on this particular walk on this particular evening that he walked past a particular staircase that he had never passed before… odd considering he spent so much time over the years exploring the nether regions of Hogwarts… yet not so odd considering it was Hogwarts and that clap trap of a school had more skeletons in its closet than it had students in horribly bad fanfic clichés blasting themselves out of the closets. So, in this not particularly odd occasion, Gregory Goyle stopped to marvel at the staircase – it wasn't just any old staircase. It was made out of marble, all the other staircases at Hogwarts looked drab and boring compared to the majesty that was connecting all them floors. Goyle halted and tried to deduct as much as he could, he would learn from this staircase and in turn become as majestic as the staircase – some day he would aspire to be as influential on the space between space as this one, but for now he decided he would just have to explore it, and tentatively raised his foot upon the first step.

The entire staircase became illuminated, glowing as if he was stepping on light, and for whatever reason he knew he must follow it. He danced and twirled as his hum drum school robes transformed into a flowing princess dress, his hair grew into long blonde pig tails and his advanced practices of pharmacology textbook fell through the staircase, as if there was nothing there. His instinct was telling him to continue up the stairs. What his instinct was not telling him was that halfway up the staircase, Draco Malfoy lay in a crumpled heap across the landing. As soon as Goyle bounded onto the landing with a flutter, the landing which was hosting Draco's oh so unpredicted presence, he frowned. It was lucky Goyle had hesitated on the pirouette before dashing from side to side, shimmying up the 'case because he would have stepped on Draco's face. Goyle did not want to share such an enlightening experience with someone so volatile and psychotic. He knew Draco would not see it for what it was – beautiful and majestic, and so instead of waking him – He dragged him along up the 'case behind him by his arms.

The feeling of ascending the staircase Goyle decided was unlike any other. He was partially convinced that this would be the turning point in his life. It was upon this staircase that his greatest ideas and theories would come to fruition – he was on the gosh darn mountain and he had climbed to the top… Buddha was speaking to him and Merlin just washed his underpants. All these feelings of anticipation were dispelled when he reached the top and the glowing steps turned once again to marble. Goyle looked crestfallen, and glanced down at Draco, who was beginning to drool heavily. He was standing in an alcove of Hogwarts he had never been to before, and lucky for Goyle part of it was also made of marble – the same marble as that glorious 'case. He dropped Draco on the floor and reached out to touch it. Instantly it turned into the glowing light the same as the stairs. Not 10 seconds after Goyle touched the marble did Harry Potter come sprinting through the gold parts of the wall, panting and looking wild eyed. He stopped, clearly surprised that Goyle was here and then noticed Draco lying unconscious at Goyle's feet. He gave him a very suspicious look, and was about to question Goyle's morality and interoggate him concerning date rape. But then he noticed Goyle was staring at light emanating from different parts of the wall, and Harry looked it up and down.

"Now, what the bloody hell is going on here?"

"I haven't the faintest idea," Goyle said with wonder as he reached out and touched the light. He felt his hand reach through to the other side of the wall, quite unlike the stairs.

"Well don't touch it!" Harry said irritated.

"You just ran through it," Goyle replied incredulously.

"Well of course I didn't, I just… was at a staircase and something about it rubbed me the wrong way – I think Voldemort was after me. I remember thrashing around in the hallway with Draco in just a sock. I think he stole all my clothes in an argument, and for whatever reason gave them back."

"Because that makes so much sense, Potter," Goyle said sarcastically, "from what I could tell you both suffered from acute psychotic episodes which resulted in a bout of epilepsy in front of the Slytherin common room."

"So that's all it was to him?" Harry said gesturing at Malfoy, "Is that what he's telling everyone? Well fine, it wasn't anything to me either," Harry screamed, indicating that it did quite indeed mean something to him.

"Um, no actually there's a painting in front of Snape's office. That should pretty much clear up whatever doubts you have about the situation. Except I think they were quite generous in how far you got with him. He was bitten by a stray bat that escaped from Snape's underwear, I mean private store, and contracted rabies… oh you should also get yourself checked out for that. Moving on though, the onset of his psychosis due to the rabies and your psychosis from the paint thinner culminated in some sort of joint delusion." Goyle explained patiently, informing Harry of the situation.

"So you mean we're still virgins?" Harry said disappointed.

"Um, Draco wasn't a v…" at the look on Harry's face, he corrected himself, "oh yes. I guess so."

"And you're clearly some sort of authority on the matter," Harry scoffed, "you know so much about what happened. Judging me, and my _habits_! You know, I had the recommended dose of thinner yesterday, no more no less! Are you some sort of psychiatrist or something? Are you?"

"Actually I am, while I've been attending Hogwarts I've been going to medical school at night. Also, there is no recommended dose of 'paint thinner.'"

"Oh," Harry said deflated. "Well aren't you cool."

"Anyway, here's Draco. I have to get to classes, this doctorate isn't going to write itself…unlike the last one….You both should go to the hospital wing before it gets any worse. I'll tell Hermione and Ron where you are,"

"I suggest you stay here until they get here to escort you, maybe they can help you learn to read warning labels on muggle products." Goyle added with concern.

"Fine! That was just the calories by the way!" Harry said, already making plans to drag Draco away once Goyle left his field of vision, and convincing himself that the labels on all muggle cleaning products were really the calorie information. _Yeah, right. I'm not waiting for Ron and Hermione. This whole glowing wall thing NEEDS investigating. And who better – two school rivals working together, putting their differences aside for the greater good. _Harry thought motivating himself, and he began dragging Draco enthusiastically by his arm into the golden wall. Though in Harry pictured it as something like, Draco and him coming to that realization, high-fiving each other, and jumping into the wall on the count of three.

At first it felt like he was in water. He hadn't noticed the sensation the first time he burst through. He was anxious he remembered, and he didn't even notice the glowing. He thought Voldemort was hot on his tail, so he ran… and with that recollection, he realized why he was running in the first place - _I HAVE TO TELL DUMBLEDORE!VOLDEMORT IS ON MY TAIL!_

With renewed vigor Harry began dragging Draco with intensity and enthusiasm. He was starting to hear footsteps behind him, and pulled Draco along with heightened speed, until he hit a rather large bump in the stone hallway, which pulled Draco out of unconsciousness as it knocked him in the head.

"Uhhhhhhhhh," Draco said as Harry dropped his arm. Draco continued sliding along the floor due to Harry's momentum and skidded into a wall. Harry edged over and knelt beside him.

"Malfoy! Malfoy! Are you ok? We have to get out of here, it's not safe."

"Eughhhhh, What is going on? Is that you, Potter?" Draco painfully blinked his eyes open.

"Yeah, it seems you took longer to come round than I did, but that's expected. It seems I've developed an inconvenient tolerance to paint thinner. Though that's neither here nor there, we've got to get going! There's someone onto us!" Draco shot him an unconvinced look.

"Listen, Potter, I'm not going anywhere right now. My head is killing me. And onto what?" Draco was sitting up now, with his hand on his forehead. Suddenly the footsteps where just about upon them, and Harry started to panic. He began hastily applying make-up to his face, hoping to be unrecognizable. Before he got the chance to thoroughly blend in the foundation, Ron and Hermione came around the corner.

"Professor Umbridge?" Ron said in horror, as he came face to face with a toady woman crouched next to Draco Malfoy, groping him in a corner. It reminded Ron EXACTLY of fifth year. In fact, he'd seen her doing the same exact thing. Except Malfoy was conscious and allowed the groping in exchange for being able to dance in the corridors at all hours of the night, and also to become the Hogwarts private eye.

Hermion scowled at Ron but said gently, "Harry?" approaching the bearded lady Harry had become. Ron squinted his eyes and tilted his head, eventually he covered one eye and a look of comprehension dawned his face.

"What? Can't you see I'm busy? Voldemort is _hot_ on my tail. _**Hot**_ on my tracks."

"Well that much was obvious from Dumbledore's dance party. You didn't seem to mind then, Harry." Hermione pointed out. Ron was wearing only his boxers and was carrying a toothbrush clutched in his right hand. He was wearing a rather worried expression, though Hermione just looked flushed.

"You spoke to Goyle then."

"Ah, yes. About that, the golden glowing archway you both saw, and Harry, you ran through twice. I believe it's called Merlin's labyrinth, we'll have to check with Dumbledore, but the fact that you and Draco entered it at exactly the same time means something. We should head there now, I've already booked an appointment."

Draco got to his feet, and said woozily, "I'm only going if he'll fix my head."

Hermione waved her hand dismissively, "I'm sure he'll do that."

Harry and Draco agreed. At least Harry could tell Dumbledore that Voldemort was HOT ON HIS TAIL, and Harry suspected his wardrobe. Harry had been _improving_ his clothing collection by ordering from women's catalogues. At first the muggle stores were rather startled by owls bringing in catalogue orders, but after several days of large orders they themselves began using owls for the mail, considering it was much cheaper. Eventually the Muggle world will pick up on the convenience of owls, and they too will begin having owleries and owl apothecaries. Eventually, all of the owls being in Muggle homes will start to allow the muggles to do magic. Then everyone will be MAGICAL! AND THEN I CAN GO TO HOGWARTS! MARY SUUUUUEEEEEEE.

Just kidding, though the bit about the muggle stores using owls is true, because shipping is such a bitch, and it costs an arm and a leg… and who wants to wait for some postal worker to come to the door and ring the bell, and maybe stay for 'coffee' depending on how little clothing you wear and who is asking. I'm certainly tired of it.

Harry had been ordering the finest dresses money could buy, and people were starting to notice. Seamus and Dean were borrowing them every other day, Ginny who had pretty much given up on clothing was helping herself to Harry's closet. Harry found a clothed Ginny much easier to deal with than her naked, often inebriated state that she was now accustomed to. Only a couple people were attending her nightly cabaret shows on the Gryffindor common room table, and Ron was actually starting to get embarrassed. Unfortunately, all robe stealing going on in Harry's wardrobe was about to have a severe backlash with unbeknownst consequences and story ripples and vibrations and plot holes and gyrations from here till the end of this contrived piece of mind diarrhea. But that, those dire wardrobe consequences, will be felt a little later from now we still have those bodacious stairs to worry about (And that goddamn sock).

When they got to Dumbledore's office they were surprised to find a rather large line in front of the Gargoyle that blocked Dumbledore's office. There was a bouncer outside with a clipboard and a headset, who unhooked a red rope divider to let through Cornelius fudge and an ample chested female who looked much to old to be attending Hogwarts despite her Ravenclaw uniform. They stood in front of the Gargolyle rather perplexed as it had simply jumped aside for the people before. The bouncer shrugged, and then pointed at Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco.

"You on the list?"

"I dunno…" Ron started to say, when Harry elbowed him and said, "of course we are, Dumbledore is always expecting us. Harry Potter." Harry yelled his own name so loud it echoed down the corridors.

"Uh, ok," the bouncer responded, taken aback, "Well it doesn't look… oh I see it. You can't all be named Harry Potter. What about you?" The bouncer pointed at Draco.

"I'm Draco Malfoy of course," he said importantly, "The Malfoy's are a very influential fam…"

" Yeah, whatever. You're on the list. You?"

"Ron Weasley?" Ron said skeptically, after all he'd only been in the big D's office a couple times.

"Nope. Sorry."

"Hermione Granger!" Hermione yelled, similar to Harry, before the bouncer even asked.

"Oh, yes, I see here. You're at the end of the list now though, for that attitude."

Hermione was about to argue when Harry elbowed her. Harry pushed several people out of the red roped and red carpeted line. When he reached the entrance behind Fudge and the 'Ravenclaw'.

"Put it to Dumbledore to make it so tricky to see him!" Fudge commented, clearly embarrassed that he couldn't gain entrance to Dumbledore's inner sanctum, especially when he was trying to impress his new friend.

"If you let us go ahead of you, then we'll tell you how to get in." Harry bargained with Fudge.

Fudge bristled, he wanted to get in before Harry Potter – that way he could show Drusella here what a big deal he is. "Listen, Fudgepacker, she already knows your bald," Harry elbowed Drusella, and Draco looked pleased at this, "so it's not that big of a deal if I go before you – you're too stupid to open this thing anyway. I mean, you don't even thing Voldemort is back, so…"

"Fine, fine! I can't figure out this damned thing anyway," He hastily added to the voluptuous lady, "Dumbledore always has it open for me before I even get here." She shrugged.

"Ummmm, ok. Let's see! Herpes! Ah no? That's what it was last time." Ron said embarrassing himself from the other side of the rope.

Harry gave him an odd look and quickly prattled off, "Fizzing Wizbees? No? Treacle tart? No, Drooble's best blowing gum? Cockroach clusters? Chocoballs? Ice Mice? Jelly Slugs? Nothing?"

Harry was rattling off every sweet he knew, Muggle and magical. The crowd around him looked as if he had two heads. Cornelius Fudge was pretending not to know him again, and Hermione had taken the delay to push herself to the front of the line with Harry and drag Ron from the other side of the rope next to them, typical.

"No, it can't be? Sherbet Lemon?" Harry said in a skeptical voice. When the Gargoyle jumped aside he began yelling, "IT CAN'T BE! WHAT AN IDIOT, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD EVERY TWO WEEKS! Everyone knows it, come on!"

Fudge took advantage of Harry's rant and made a move toward the staircase, though Draco was too quick for him and grabbed him by the back of this robes, flinging him to the floor. Harry and Draco high fived and ran up the stairs with a smug Hermione following a muttering Ron.

Harry almost ran right into Dumbledore who was standing right in behind the door, he motioned them in quickly, and locked the door behind them.

"You didn't let that idiot Fudge hear the password did you?"

"Er, sorry professor," Harry said, though he didn't exactly appear sorry, "what's _he_ doing here? And her? And him? And them?" Harry was gesturing wildly around the room, "What the hell is going on here, Dumbledore?"

"Nothing, Harry, you know Lucius… and it's professor Dumbledore to you, after that stunt you pulled with my office last year."

" Yeah, _Harry_ that's my dad, you idiot!" Draco said quickly before running over to him and Lucius ecstatically wrapping him into a hug. Narcissa smiled gently and patted them both on the head, and Lucius began singing to Draco. (_You're the child of my dreams, the jewel of my sperm & I've really really missed you… I don't know what to do without you… at the manor to get me out of my sticky glue situations!)_

Dumbledore whispered to Hermione and Ron while Harry was staring at the family, "Did he get into Snape's wild mushroom collection? No, that wouldn't be right, different symptoms… maybe the peyote I left in Myrte's bathroom?"

"Sir, Goyle asked me to submit his diagnosis notes to you. According to him, it's probably the paint thinner." Hermione passed him a stack of papers.

"Ah, the paint thinner again," Dumbledore said ruffling through the pile, "I thought we convinced him that it doesn't have nutritional value and his prophecies are just grandiose manifestations of his subconscious fears."

"Well, I don't think he's drinking it anymore," Hermione said encouragingly.

"Yeah, I think he just likes the smell," said Ron, "but I mean, Ginny's even been wearing clothes around him now – I don't think she's impressed by him anymore. Hermione flashed him a skeptical look and glanced back at Harry who was glaring at Lucius.

"Potter, will you give it up? I know my dad looks just like me, blah blah blah," Draco said.

"No. No, I've seen him before. I saw him in the graveyard, after Cedric died,"

"Oh, for fucks sake! Here we go again," Ron rolled his eyes.

"He was with _HIM_, he's after me! You know that! That's the reason I came here, with Draco no less. Voldemort is AFTER ME!"

"Is he now, Harry?" Dumbledore indulged Harry, but sent sympathetic looks across the room.

"Yes! Dumbledore, you know we've been having secret meetings in here all year. We've been going into memories about him in that bowl on your desk and…" Harry chest was heaving as he debated whether or not to disclose secret information in front of a known Death Eater. He decided to whisper behind his hand at Dumbledore, Ron, and Hermione, "we've been trying to find Horcruxes, you know."

"Ah, yes Harry," Dumbledore's eyes twinkled (as he spelled them to do years ago to make people trust him), "but you weren't supposed to tell anyone. But I supposed considering your condition, I may be the only one to believe you. However, I happen to have it on great authority that Voldemort is out of the country. See?"

Dumbledore pulled a post card off a bulletin board in his office, and handed it to Harry. It was of different views of Mt. Everest, flashing back and forth. Harry flipped it over and read the note on the back:

_Dumblez!_

_Guess who's climbing this big ol' pile of rocks…ME! I'm having the time of my life. I'm sooooo glad I made those horcruxes, so if I ever die I can do this every year anyway. I hope life at Hogwarts isn't soooooo boring. I know that Potter kid is onto me, but I will have to kill him later. You said he knows about my horcruxes? Shit, anyway – I have to run because Nott is complaining about a backache from carrying all 26 matching Louie Vuitton suitcases up to the summit. What a pussy, I'll give him a real backache and crucio that fool for questioning my authority. Honestly, I don't know what's happened to the Death Eaters, but they've just become unmanageable. I sent home Lucius, all he moans on about nowadays is Draco this, Narcissa that. I didn't get into this whole Dark Lord business to hear about backaches and missing family. Whatever. _

_XOXO + Love,_

_Voldie_

"See, Harry? Nothing to worry about," Hermione said placating, "Oh professor! The real reason we came here…" Hermione struggled to raise her voice over Lucius' now booming voice as he clutched Dracos face to his chest and rubbed his back.

"ANNNNNNDD DRACO! You've been the light of my life, and I can't have you fighting with Potter for the rest of your life because his uncle is a ponce, and I don't know what to do!"

Ron had a mix of disgust, incredulity, and a twinge of respect splattered across his face.

"Why are they even here?" Harry asked, "This story is about me, like who cares about their family time, they're trying to steal my show."

"Now, Harry, Lucius stopped here to give me my post card, as their owls were gone. I think they had enough of MacNair dressing them up and making them act out plays for the entertainment of the Death Eaters. I saw them in London, doing Romeo and Juliet, and it was quiet moving, though they owls don't appreciate being judged by critics, so they fled England.

"Er," Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at each other. Dumbledore went on to explain about Merlin's Labyrinth. Apparently he stole part of the staircase to heaven from Grindelwald's house, and that's how the whole fight started in the 1940s. Dumbledore informed them that when the staircase is activated by the Prince Mudgrub of Scarbyth, the staircase becomes a portal into wherever the wizard would like to go. The only problem is that the known last descendant of Mudgrub was Florence the Flatulent who died from a particularly powerful blast in her straw house while she was sleeping next to a candle. It could only mean that there was a descendent of Prince Mudgrub who had activated the portal.

"Who gives a shit?" Harry said as he left Dumbledore's office, kicking Fudge as he passed. "Cho doesn't want to go to the Yule Ball with me, and since I'm a triwizard champion, I'm going to be dancing up there all by myself."

Hermione gave Ron a 'look' that said 'here we go again, the paint thinner has reset Harry's memory and now we have to jog him out of it.'

Ron gave Hermione a 'look' that said 'honestly, I'm getting sick of it. We should just hide the paint thinner or replace it with soap, he's getting out of hand…'

x

x

x

Before Ron could finish the look on his face, they rounded the corner and ran smack into the last person they expected to see….

This chapter is different from all my other chapters. Maybe it's because I'm uninspired, or I've been reading too much serious fanfiction. Maybe I'm losing my touch, or maybe it's alright. Anyway. Here y'all go.

One review would be nice guys, c'mon! You can do it! LET ME KNOW HOW YOU FEEL


	15. Nipples & Socks

**Nipples and Socks**

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* * *

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It took Hermione and Ron three hours to convince Harry that it was no longer 4th year, that he had won the Triwizard Tournament, and Voldemort was back and sexier than ever. It took another six hours and the help of Seamus, Dean, Ginny, Michael Corner, Vincent Crabbe, Zacharias Smith, and eventually a rather distraught Malfoy acting out the last two years to jog Harry's memory. This was the third time this week happened, and if Dumbledore hadn't paid them all handsomely in advance they probably wouldn't bother. Zacharias Smith was roped in, as they needed someone to play Snape, and Hermione was getting tired of it.

Harry spent most of the following days sulking around the castle, as Malfoy was refusing to see him until he got some help for his 'issues'. His friends had also replaced the paint thinner with soap, and consequently he was no longer receiving his "visions" from Voldemort, which consisted of Voldie scantily clad and in extremely compromising positions. The last one of Voldie in a maid's uniform made his sock, I mean scar hurt.

He was currently lying crumpled under a suit of armor in the dungeons that he'd begun talking to. He closed his eyes and reached in his pocket to grab a notebook that he was using to write his next book of emotional songs and poems for the tortured soul. He had once again grown miserable over Sirius' death, which had a positive correlation with the amount of black eyeliner he would apply to his eyes, cheeks, and lips. Sometimes he would shed a tear, and gently serenade the suit of armor, which would sympathetically pat Harry on the back, as the suit himself was going through a difficult break up and felt rather lonely himself. Harry's black t-shirt and black ripped jeans were in desperate need of washing, and the black nail polish he had on his fingernails was chipped – the remaining flakes were stuck in his teeth from biting his nails to the quick.

The dependence on paint thinner had slowed his metabolism, so he'd also begun to gain some weight, specifically around his bottom. Students and teachers alike had begun to take detours through the dungeon to hastily catch a glimpse. Dumbledore turned a blind eye to increasing comments about Harry's extra junk in the trunk, though he did not turn a blind eye to Harry protruding double cheeks. The only person more horrified by the recent development was Draco, and he was horrified for two reasons. 1) Harry's ass was attracting so much attention that Draco was getting jealous for two reasons: 1 – Draco wanted attention for himself & 2 – Draco considered Harry _his_, which made it difficult for him to watch the whole school ogle his uncomfortable friend (not)gay enemy situation goodies. 2) He was sick of everyone crowding down in the dungeons, ruining his bad tempered mood with their jokes, gossip, and good humor.

* * *

So due to his butt gain, and people not being understanding of his dark, individualistic personal choices that people are too mainstream to understand, Harry had bought the area under Derrick – the suit of armor- for a very competitive price. There, he could complete his work uninterrupted. Harry sighed heavily, and he stared off into space before scribbling a sentence,

_One day the world will see… see that everything is dark. That there is no light to be found… and if they think that they found it they are wrong. It's fooling them, and they are denying their inner darkness. Though no one has inner darkness but me because otherwise then that would be mainstream and I would just be conforming to what everyone else is doing. So I'm different, and my change in wardrobe and negative attitude reflect the new, new, new me. Not the old me after the new me… before I changed._

He bit the back of his quill and wiped the tear running down the side of his cheek away with the back of his hand. _No one usually walks down here_, Harry thought, though had he looked slightly farther down the hallway he would have noticed Professor Slughorn and Colin Creevy peeking around the corner. He'd thought it was just him in the dark draughty nether regions of Hogwarts. Then, he heard footsteps… Goyle walked right by Harry.

_Oh. It's Goyle, great. Now my artistic genius has been compromised,_ Harry thought grumpily.

"What are you doing down here?" Harry called out, and Goyle glanced over to the hunched figure rocking back and forth, clutching a notebook and a crayon.

"I could ask you the same question-" Goyle began, but before he could finish, the walls moved, rotating backwards, and the marble beauty swung down from an imaginary space.

"THE MAJESTY!" Harry bellowed.

"It's beautiful," Goyle whispered, not taking his eyes off the sparkling, polished marble.

Once it came to floor with a heavy crunch, Harry and Gregory didn't move. Harry rose, eyes glazed over, and both boys walked slowly towards it. Goyle reached out his foot like before and tentatively placed it on the first step. Yet again, it glowed with the light of the heavens, and Goyle felt once again rejuvenated and exhilarated. Harry saw emotion welling up in Goyle's face, and not wanting to miss out, he made a run for it. For he was Harry Potter, and should be the only one to humbly experience glory. As he bounded onto the first step, he gasped in ecstasy and tripped on the second stair.

Goyle rolled his eyes and dragged Potter up to his feet by the neck of his robes. And once again, a psychopath was ruining his enlightenment. Little did they know that never before had two people ascended the staircase of Merlin's Labyrinth, also known as Marha' hagdoul jabar, also known as Cynthia. It WOULDD BE AWESOMe!111

Harry stumbled to his feet, drooling, and slapped Goyle's hand away from his collar.

"Stop trying to have your way with me! I swear, I'll tell Draco!" Harry screeched and stumbled ahead of Goyle, who shrugged, hoping that Harry would just get far enough ahead that he could marinate in the glory of the majestic fabulousness of Marha' hagdoul jabar without Harry in his field of vision. He looked down and saw that he was clad in a silky blue dress that clung to his figure in all the right places, and a periwinkle lace slip gave the dress an added elegance. The azure train elegantly trailed behind his dainty toes encased in simple fuscia flats. Goyle sighed in contentment, scratched his hairy exposed chest, and then looked towards Harry, who was covered in so much fabric he appeared to be drowning. He was flailing wildly around in the elongated cuffs of his sweetheart neckline, deep purple sequin two piece dress, which was so totally not as cute as Goyle's. And his red patent leather thigh highs SO didn't match his outfit.

All of a sudden, Harry plunged beneath the staircase, reaching after the lone sock that fell somehow underneath the staircase – he was swallowed whole and enveloped by a white light. Goyle's eyes widened in shock, and he dashed up the stairs to the place where Harry disappeared. In another flash of white light, there was a feminine slender figure stretched out unconscious in front of his feet. Her lips were a delicate peach shade of pink, and her skin was perfect cream blush blending into pale snow. Her long black eyelashes caught in each other before they fluttered open. She moved her slender wrists around to push herself up off the floor.

The palatinate purple sequin dress did MAGIC with her figure. The top half with elongated sleeves, and sweat heart neckline really showed off her creamy feminine perfect DD sized titties. The princess skirt was short, showing off her legs that went on for miles. THEY WERE SHAVED TOO!

Goyle's mouth dropped open in amazement, and he stammered, "SO BRIGHT! SO BEAUTIFUL! AHHHHH THE PRECIOUS!"

And he was right; because there right in front of him was the most breathtaking human he had ever set his eyes on. She had long, thick, dark, long, black hair, her bright round emerald eyes began to leak tears, she was frightened and broken. Harry blinked his eyes slowly into focus, and started up at Goyle. Noting the drool and the love-struck look in Goyle's eyes, Harry uncomfortably stumbled to his feet.

"Er," He stammered awkwardly, but before he could finish, he realized the voice was not his own. He slowly looked down at his perky curved breasts, across his firm toned stomach, and the absence of the sock (slight bulge).

Horrorstruck he patted his head, and found that his hair had grown down the middle of his back in soft, undulating, silky waves. Even his tacky Ferrari red boots seemed fit for a princess (A/N: he has a concussion).

As Goyle stuck out his hand to touch him, Harry gasped wildly.

"I've got to run! I've… an appointment!" Harry lied badly, and began to trot back down the stairs and down the corridor. For Harry the 6-inch platform boots were a pinch. His summers with Petunia's wardrobe had taught him well; however, while they taught him agility in impossible women's footwear, they did not teach him grace.

Harry was clunking so loudly down the hallway at a dead sprint, he could hear Argus Filtch screaming about Peeves, and wheezing as he tried to find the source of the racket from three floors up.

His sock was gone, he had a pair of boobs plastered his chest and he had a dainty vagina that he had no idea what to do with, which scared him. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE"S NO SOCK!" Harry bellowed at the author.

(A/N: Harry it's in your pocket, you just have nothing to attach it to.)

"FUCK! Wait… _a vagina?_" Harry stopped dead in his tracks, and suspiciously looked around the empty entranceway to the Great Hall to lift up his dress and examine his new hardware, trying several times to re-attach the sock he found in his pocket to its previous location. Before he could get too firm a grasp the concept, Ginny slowly came out from behind a statue. Followed by her muggle Drug Enforcement Agent boyfriend. She heard the ruckus when she was trying to illegally smuggle her drug catcher boy toy muggle into Hogwarts.

"Oh Ginny! Thank god you're here! Now we can't be together - see I'm a girl!" Harry sounded relieved and pointed to his lumpy breast, which was currently peeking out from under his short top.

Stunned, Ginny managed to say what she was thinking, "I can see that... wait, let me get a look at your hardware, by the way I'm with him, but I guess now that you're a girl – you _might _be more attractive." Ginny pointed to a devilishly handsome fellow he thought he had seen before. He was wearing a mustache, and had the most beautiful blue eyes he had ever seen.

"Riddlemort, Harry, Harry, Riddlemort…" Ginny introduced them, yanking up Harry's dress. Harry did not recognize Tom Riddle, as the pain thinner had seeped into his brain, and his hippocampus/amygdala region was pretty much a neurotransmitter swamp. But mainly because Ron, Hermione, Seamus, Dean, Michael Corner, Oliver Wood, George Weasley, Armando Dippet, Mundungus Fletcher, and Cedric's body didn't feel like explaining what happened at the biggest dance to rock Hogwarts history for the third time that week.

Harry made eyes at Riddlemort as Ginny fondled Harry's breasts (showing Riddlemort), and they both came to the conclusion that Harry was the most beautiful girl in the entire world, and the Trojan War was fought over nothing. Also, they tried to get him to audition for America's Next Top Model. "You're so hot," Ginny said, before fondling the most perky, alluring, soft breasts she had ever laid eyes on one last time.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Harry screamed at Ginny and Riddlemort, and also Dumbledore, Madame Pomfrey, Lee Jordan, Arthur Weasley, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Fred Weasley, Daphne Greengrass, Hannah Abbott, Kreacher, Hagrid, Falco Aeselon, Tonks, Terry Boot, Lupin, Sirius Black (on a leash held by a Vietnamese transvestite prostitute. Susan Bones, Pansy Parkinson, Viktor Krum, Moaning Myrtle, Peter Pettigrew, Cornelius Fudge, Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, Merlin, Daedelus Diggle, Alicia Spinnet, Crookshanks, Michael Phillips (the guy always trying to get to the plays), Phineas Nigellus, the Mirror of Erised, Hermione, Ron and Draco, who had heard the shouts and clankings of Harry stumbling around yelling and came to see what was happening.

"I CAN'T WEAR GIRL CLOTHES! I DON'T KNOW HOW. IT'S NOT FAIR-"

Ron reached the first floor and interrupted Harry's high pitched banshee scream, "Harry, mate, you've been wearing your aunt's and cousin's old dresses and heels for years. You've been ordering from women's catalogues for the past several weeks. I'd say, if anyone would be equipped to handle this it would be you."

"Are you saying I was a girl before this even happened? I don't even know what these are for!" Harry yelled, and lifted up his top of his dress to expose his tender bouncing breasts.

Ron glanced at Hermione and turned slightly green, "No I… I'm just saying-"

But he was interrupted by Draco, who stepped in front of the crowd. He stood and stared at the most beauteous unique creature he'd ever seen. He stroked the side of her velvety soft face with his stretched forefinger and grazed it across her lips. Harry's jade eyes widened, and he stared into Draco's charmingly icy ones.

"By GOD HARRY, WE'RE STRAIGHT!" He bellowed in triumph, with his fist in the air. He couldn't stop staring at the most enchantingly embarrassed specimen in front of him.

"No, you're not," Ron called out of the crowd that was nodding and commenting.

* * *

**Well there it is, hope at least one person likes it. I kind of have a direction here now - I'M CREATING SUSPENSE!**

**IF this tickles your fancy, let me know!**

**Flamers welcome! Someone just say something! I'M DYING HERE~! In this desert of feedback. AHHAHHHhhhhhhhhh.**


	16. Le Bitch Fight I

This chapter came to me in a prophesy last night, while Mad Eye was trying to fondle my dustbins. Actually the premise was sent to me in a dream by una mejor amiga en fanfiction: FragonKnight01! Brilliant! Without further ado:

**This chapter should also probably maybe rated M for language and sexual suggestive themes. As well as lewd behavior, general unpleasantries, and gender benders. RATE IT IF YOU HATE IT! Also, RATE IT IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE NEXT CHAPTER... it's already written and everything. It's up to you, do you want it? Do you like it? Can you handle the suspense?**

And without any further ado: and just to let you know

The will be no ado further. The furthering is no longer ado. Got it? Watch it? Read it? Rate it. It's on Youtube narrated by Britney Spears. No, it's not but check it out anyway. Also, it is forbidden to further ados.

PREVIOUSLY…

_"I CAN'T WEAR GIRL CLOTHES! I DON'T KNOW HOW. IT'S NOT FAIR-"_

_Ron reached the first floor and interrupted Harry's high pitched banshee scream, "Harry, mate, you've been wearing your aunt's and cousin's old dresses and heels for years. You've been ordering from women's catalogues for the past several weeks. I'd say, if anyone would be equipped to handle this it would be you."_

_"Are you saying I was a girl before this even happened? I don't even know what these are for!" Harry yelled, and lifted up his top of his dress to expose his tender bouncing breasts._

_Ron glanced at Hermione and turned slightly green, "No I… I'm just saying-"_

_But he was interrupted by Draco, who stepped in front of the crowd. He stood and stared at the most beauteous unique creature he'd ever seen. He stroked the side of her velvety soft face with his stretched forefinger and grazed it across her lips. Harry's jade eyes widened, and he stared into Draco's charmingly icy ones._

_"By GOD HARRY, WE'RE STRAIGHT!" He bellowed in triumph, with his fist in the air. He couldn't stop staring at the most enchantingly embarrassed specimen in front of him._

_"No, you're not," Ron called out of the crowd that was nodding and commenting._

**Le Bitch Fight:** this chapter no longer carries further ados

The crowd in the entrance hall stopped their hushed conversations and turned to face the two most beautiful people they had ever seen. Draco was handsome in his Prada sportif electric lime hunting jacket (…blatantly defying school rules, just in time for Umbridge to stumble in from the forbidden forest and give him a detention. Umbridge gave Harry detention, as well, for having his perfect pink nipple poking out from under his sparkly top. Umbridge had become quite taken with a certain centaur whilst being trampled in the forbidden forest and had been stalking him in the forbidden forest. She was developing dementia from excessive brain damage during the attack, periodically returning to Hogwarts to issue detentions and instill horror and obstacles in the wardrobes of many.)

Where are we? Oh, yes. Draco looked absolutely stunning in his non-Hogwarts regulation leather cropped jacket and fitted D&G trousers. His Gucci sunglasses reflected Harry's blushing and virginal face beaming at him. The light from flickering candles in the Tiffany's chandelier sparkled in his eucalyptus eyes.

The crowd increasingly gathered alerted by the Daily Prophet's bulletin about Harry's condition and location, loudly talking behind their hands about how beautiful Harry was in sparkles and how luminous Draco's hair looked, and are those really six-pack abs on the bloke with the mustache? No, not Dumbledore, you twit, the brunet. Hermione turned around as she felt movement next to her, thinking Snape had followed her to apologize. She was mistaken.

"So if a guy and guy love cock, but don't come out of the closet, and then one is suddenly a girl are they still homos?" A first-year Hufflepuff asked quietly, eyes wide and tugging on Hermione's robes.

"Uhhhhh, I don't know what you're talking about," Hermione replied, disappointed. Uncertain of what to say, she slapped Ferina Frumplebottom's hand away and harumphed.

"I'm going to ignore that rude action," the first year continued unabashed, "I have another question, and you as head girl should answer it, no? If a guy and a guy are gay together and then one turns into a girl do they still do assplay?"

Hermione smacked the girl across the head with the Joan of Arcopedia Volume 12432 (the largest, longest, most radical feminist book she owns and carries with her at all times), and the pesky 1st year fell flat across the floor.

"OF COURSE THEY BLOODY WELL DO!" Hermione screeched and stomped off to find Ron.

Her bush(y) hair wafting behind her, she paused as she heard Dumbledore's voice over the chattering; he was descending the staircase slowly in an ivory cream evening dress, with frills and bits of lace scattered along the train. Immediately he captured the attention of everyone in the large entrance hall.

"Everyone quiet down, please. This has been a traumatic and enticing evening for everyone, but Harry – I need you to go to the hospital wing where it will be established that your condition is very nearly irreversible and you will likely have to live as a girl. Well, I suppose I just told you so never you mind."

Dumbledore coughed loudly and scratched his nose before continuing on, "I would like to award a total of 5,000 points to Slytherin because of Goyle's immense efforts to revive the staircase of Locthair, formerly known as Falsardyannwe, formerly known as Cynthia to its former glory and to congratulate him on earning his doctorate five minutes before we were all summoned here by what sounded like a Balrog. Though it seems it was merely a rather attractive female fleeing from the dungeons in platform heels.

"I must be Frank here, or perhaps Geoffrey, as I have not given everyone the pamphlet about the staircase. I have tried to keep Falsardyannwe a secret for many years, and learn the hidden knowledge contained within the staircase, though I think it best I share this with you now.

"I recovered Falsardyanwe in the war, fighting at Grindelwald's house. After winning the dance off in 1945, I allowed myself to take a few things in safe keeping from, I mean _for_ him… and while I was concerned about rumors of a Balrog dwelling in the hollow spaces of Locthair, it wasn't until tonight that I totally like freaked out about it…"

Dumbledore continued his rambling on about the staircase, but Draco wasn't listening. He was busy trying to passionately kiss Harry on the stairs. But something was odd… Harry usually kept his eyes closed when they were fighting. Draco's mouth was mashing against Harry's mechanically as he followed Harry's line of vision. Harry was staring off into space at someone.

_Riddlemort._ _I should have known_! Draco thought angrily, slobbering all over Harry's face, as the rage built up silently internally slowly manifesting on his exterior as an expression similar to constipation. Suddenly Dumbledore's voice turned sensual, causing everyone to snap out of ignoring his incessant babbling.

"The true purpose of the staircase is that of love. Actually, to turn someone into a girl. Or a boy. Maybe keep your options open, swing a little, enjoy a penis or a vajine," Dumbledore said with a wink in several directions.

Minerva McGonagall blushed. At this, most of the audience groaned, and Moaning Myrtle threw up on Lucius Malfoy globs of gross green specter goop, which set off a rapid chain of events. Lucius began crying, and Narcissa tried her best to quiet him and get him out of the vomit stained clothing. Before anyone could dodge out of the way, Crabbe spewed partially digested lobster bisque violently onto the robes of all the wizards around him. The Weasley twins, seizing their opportunity, began sticking their fingers down their throats to provoke the 'Chain Vomit Reaction' an ancient Weasley folklore and old wizarding theorem. Older than Newton's laws, you know. It did indeed work as predicted by Twittius and Twattius Weasley, and for several minutes people were vomiting into empty suits of armor, thankfully not Dennis, and onto one another's robes and pyjamas. Harry was slowly trying to extricate himself from Draco who was trying to cling onto Harry all the more.

All while this was going on, Dumbledore continued roaring, "However because of all the fighting over the staircase – it started the 100 years war in Europe and the 7 years war, as well as the end of feudalism in Japan and the last battle of the Samarais. AS well as the War of the Wonder Underwear between Merlin and Victorious Secreto, but we will never speak of that again… Between mankind's repeated attempts to get their dogs to turn into people, and the extensive clinical research experiments being conducted in the middle ages – the staircase lay dormant for centuries." Dumbledore paused, relishing in the fact that he now had the full attention of everyone in the room.

He knew the part about dogs really got them, everyone or another was thinking of some dog or another they could turn into a human of the opposite sex. Actually, only Dumbledore was thinking that. Lucius Malfoy was still crying, silently in his underwear, considering becoming a woman. Narcissa was trying to get him to be quiet and ignore Lucius's loud, embarrassing confession about trying on all of Narcissa's clothes while she was gone in France the previous summer, hoping for breasts.

Dumbledore had taken no notice of the chain reaction vomit fest and Draco trying to fondle Harry's busty chest from around the banister on a staircase while Harry tried to bashfully chat up Riddlemort, and Dumbledore himself seemed to forget he had been talking. He was fondly remembering the summer where he and Grindelwald revived Locthair by jabbing it with his wand and throwing a cape over it.

They spent the entire summer trying to find the descendant of the Prince of Spitswap to open it to its full potential. They primarily just ended up building forts in the backyard out of chair cushions, though in the end they did manage to get their hands on the staircase. They were still missing the other two pieces of the Deathly Horlicks, when Grindlewald absconded in the middle of the night and took the staircase back to Germany. Though finally, Albus stole it back and hid it, as he does everything. Especially the truth.

* * *

Harry left the crowd in the hallway outside the Great Hall after fainting on top of Draco in a rather dramatic fashion, due to Draco's uncharacteristic man-slap he dished out to Tom/Riddlemort. Immediately Tom scooped him up in his strong muscled arms, and cradled him up to the hospital wing. Draco was glaring daggers at Tom for the entire duration of the walk upstairs, and Ginny eyes were narrowed at Harry, and she was frothing slightly at the mouth.

Upon arriving in the hospital wing, Tom set Harry down gently on the bed and brushed his hair out of his eyes. He was asleep and looked vulnerable… Tom smiled and took out his iPhone and snapped a pic. He uploaded it to facebook and had 23 likes before the morning was through. He updated his profile picture to a moody one of his face in black and white in front of the stained glass of the infirmary's windows. Madame Pomfrey hadn't returned to the hospital wing after the commotion in the hall. Hermione had spotted her trying to convince Professor McGonnagal and then Madame Hooch to do more 'research' on the staircase with her.

The morning sun beaming through the windows in the infirmary found Draco, Ginny, Riddlemort, Hermione and Ron sitting patiently waiting for Harry to wake up. Harry had fallen into a deep coma due to shock from potential sock loss and a dramatic plot-thickening slap. It didn't help Draco's or Ginny's worries that through the night Harry was tossing and turning, absently masturbating as he kept calling for Riddlemort.

After several long minutes, Harry blinked his long dark eyelashes open and saw a crowd of faces hovering around him patting his arms and sides and legs. His eyes widened in shock, when his blurry vision came into focus, he suddenly realized being turned into a girl was most certainly not a dream. He looked to the right of his bed and saw Draco perched on a chair leaning forward, a cocky expression plastered across his face. It was a look that said 'as if the guy he's been getting it off with was now the most beautiful girl in the school and he doesn't have to worry about closeted gray areas anymore' and only that. Harry squinted at Draco shaking his long feathery weaved locks.

"Draco, you have to leave!" Harry started crying, pearly fresh tears streaked down his apricot face.

Draco was trying so hard to listen and not to fondle Harry covertly. He was failing in both areas.

"What? Why?" Draco demanded once he realized Harry Potter was breaking up their 'fights.' It was over, and Draco was slightly more upset than he'd thought he would be.

"You never appreciated my sock and all the time we spent together. Does trying to bash your skull in for years mean nothing to you? You never fought with me for who I was and you never will!" Harry's was standing on his bed and bellowing out the windows to everyone. People began forming outside below Harry's window.

Draco's eyebrows were raised so high in shock that they blended into his layered bangs. "That's so not true, you don't understand! I can't fight something so beautiful!" He cried aloud out the open window.

"Then we have nothing." Harry looked resigned, but then stared up at Riddlemort in ill-disguised lust. Picking up on this, Ginny stormed out shortly after Riddlemort subtly offered to help Harry adjust to being a girl.

* * *

Ginny was not the type of girl for sentiment, at least not anymore. She'd had enough of her playing swooning woman to the heroic man-boy complex that she had recently worked through with a skilled bartender. In the past few months, Ginny had taken up traveling with the rogue clan of the inquisition around Hogwarts, setting up camp where e'er they could. Living off the earth/house elves. She stopped wearing clothes. She would eat mushrooms during the week and dance wildly on tables in the great hall. It attracted the attention of quite a few, but she had grown sick of the follies of romance and the life of a traveling wild woman. So when she met handsome, charming, muggle, Riddlemort she began stealing Harry's clothes he bought from women's catalogues stored in his extra wardrobe –- actually she knew that Riddlemort was a wizard because he worked at Hogwarts for 2 days and quit because he wanted to get it on with Harry and Draco. Regardless, she respected his new identity in a drug busting task force, and though it wasn't serious, she thought he could at least show her some common decency.

So when she entered the great hall that day for lunch after the first round of classes, she felt slightly disappointed. Snape had been in a particularly foul mood and had forced one of the Gryffindors to eat toadstools in lieu of detention. Said Gryffindor was rolling around on the Hufflepuff table screaming about the magical sky, and it made Ginny nostalgic for the old times.

She strolled over to the Gryfindor table where Harry and Tom were making eyes. Harry laughed in a high-pitched voice that bounced his perky creamy breasts, just peeking out over the top of his robes. He tossed his hair back, and brushed his hand through it flirtatiously. Ginny shrugged and sat down for a moment, and she spotted Draco across the hall sitting at the Slytherin table sulkily giving a disgusted look to Pansy Parkinson. Pansy herself was eyeing Draco up and down out of the corner of her eyes trying to be coy, but instead looked rather much like a bullfrog.

The last straw was when Harry reached out his hand to casually touch Riddlemort on the shoulder after a particularly witty remark. Ginny had enough, she was going to be civil, but she was going to be respected. She immediately stood up, ripped off her clothes, and with a roar took a swig of fire whisky from a flask attached to a belt on her thigh. She charged down the table tackling Harry. As the two rolled around on the floor, Riddlemort began to film on his phone. Harry was shrieking as Ginny ravenously clawed his face. Her yelling was unintelligible, though according to the decibel level alone she was pretty upset.

Seizing his opportunity for attention, Dumbledore chose this precise moment to make an announcement. "I would like to announce there is going be a ball this weekend to celebrate Harry's transition to womanhood and his first menstrual flow!"

At the mention of this, Crabbed promptly vomited into the juice pitcher, sending several Slytherins squealing from the table. Ron looked horrified and turned green. He kept looking from Dumbledore to Harry trying to decide which one was more batty, as Harry had fended Ginny off and had begun applying lipstick glancing sensually up at Riddlemort who was raising his eyebrows back at him.

According to Ron, and possibly Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Neville Longbottom, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy Parkinson, Snape, Lupin, Nearly-Headless Nick, Moaning Myrtle, Sir Cadogan, Lucius Malfoy, Cornelius Fudge, and Madame Malkin – Harry was adjusting to womanhood a little too quickly if you know what I mean, though not according to Dumbledore, Trelawny, and Riddlemort.

Dumbledore continued, clearing his throat, and Ginny leaped on top of Harry slapping him across the face, "Also, I would like to introduce a new student. Professor Trelawney's niece from America will be transferring to Hogwarts, and I expect you welcome her into your home, your hearts, and maybe your beds. That is all. Oh wait, Draco Malfoy has a cousin-brother transferring to Hogwarts as well from Beauxbatons. His name is Jaydon Jaques Louis and I expect you all to treat him with a little more respect that you treat Draco. Oh!" Dumbledore realized he had forgotten another student, as Riddlemort dragged Ginny kicking and screaming off of a weeping and angry Harry.

"And then we have Alexis-Kateleyyne Rose Tree from America, who we have specifically invited because of her talents in potions. She has never gone to wizarding school, but she should be able to catch up to Harry Potter's year. Here they are!"

Alexis 'call me AK' Rosetree walked in first. She was wearing a see through fishnet top with black band-aids over her nipples and heavy eye make up. Her hair was puke yellow and down to her waist. She was wearing a bedazzled tie with a black wife beater, and a jean miniskirt. Everyone's eyes at Hogwarts looked her up and down, all the guys totally had hard ons. Pansy screeched across the hall something about how Draco was already interested in her and shouldn't be.

Draco was actually not paying attention. Draco had gotten up, and was busy trying to restrain Harry as Ginny made a rude hand gesture across the hall. Draco looked up, and after taking notice of the girl with the band-aids, let Harry go and immediately began smoothing out his hair… and was also doing his best to look disinterested but slightly intrigued by such a smart looking girl. He then noticed that Harry had climbed into Tom's lap once the body-bind Ginny accidentally set on herself kicked in. Following Alexis was Draco's half brother, son of Narcissa and Sirius Black from when Narcissa was 15, (A/N: yes they're related, but it's cool because she was 15 and he was super hot.)

Before he took notice of his cousin-brother, Draco couldn't conceal his anger at Harry's blatant disregard for his feelings, and slapped Harry hard and then Tom across the face before walking up to leggy blonde in short skirt- Trelawny's niece, Sasha Tuberculosis Trelawney, who was closer in proximity than Alexis 'call me AK/I'm a pre-teen fantasy' Kateelleyynnn. He rested his hand against Sasha's back and asked her if she would like to sit at the Slytherin table, as it was the only one without a giant hole through the center and not scattered with food and semi-conscious people.

Seeing that Draco was the 2nd hottest teenage boy in the room, Sasha accepted. Harry became surprisingly jealous, but concealed it and clung to Tom when Ginny's body-bind was accidentally lifted by Ernie Macmillan who passed out drunk the night before on the Hufflepuff table and awoke with a start in his own urine, as Dumbledore sent out a large BANG out of his wand. He drooled on himself and slurred, "retrea reatret, there afer us" as he scuttled out of the room.

Dumbledore smiled contently and said, Humbdlefinpkins. And reminded everyone how much he hated having to tivo Gilmore Girls before exiting.

* * *

**Well, I hope you like it. I have Part II and the next chapter written. They just need to make it through my extensive and harrowing editing process, which is expedited by reviews. Love ya!**


	17. Le Bitch Fight II: Hasta La Pasta

Wandlorean! Wandlorean! This chapter is obviously for you, and quite possibly the rest of the story. I'm glad I could make you laugh and bring rainbows to your days. In terms of your marriage proposal, I accept. But only if we have a Harry Potter themed wedding. Toodles.

For my other reviewer... that whole crush thing didn't really work - I'm not too big a fan of spam mail. Also, I don't have a crush, just random people I sleep with that I meet in dark alleys. But don't worry, that comes after your pre-teen years.

* * *

**Le Bitch Fight : Parte Dos**

**Part II:**

**El Segundo: I wish my dog would stop farting**

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Ginny stares out across the Great Hall watching Harry gently gyrate, 'jokingly' dancing Riddlemort's lap. Riddlemort was laughing with his hands on Harry's slender hips. She had to bide her time, and make the right move. As she crawled naked under the table to begin hatching a plan at the Inquisition's Head Quarters, Draco crawled in after her and reached out to tap her on the bottom.

"I want in, " he says.

"What?" Ginny replied looking scandalized.

"I said I want in. I know you're hatching a plan, you're down here in cahoots with them," Draco said jerking his thumb in the direction of a group of mustachio-ed men in hats and red robes roasting a lamb under the table.

"Ohhhh, that. Ok. Well I've been hanging out with them for a while, I do want to hatch a plan though. I'm sick of this bullshit. Tom is hot and Harry is turning into a whore. I mean, what kind of guy turns into a girl and steals someone's boyfriend in less than 24 hours. Next thing you know, he'll be onto your cousin-brother next, and then my brothers, and then…"

Draco interrupted Ginny, "My what?"

"You're cousin-brother… Jay-don Louis? Um, Dumbledore announced him coming here like two minutes ago. Look there he is," Ginny pointed to a gorgeous blonde boy with purple eyes who was politely asking Cho Chang if he could sit at the Ravenclaw table.

"If you know what's good for you, don't sit with her! She's a psycho!" Draco drawled out from under the Gryffindor table. Jay-don Louis looked over and spotted his relative under the table and nodded before settling in at a spot further down the table. Cho Chang cried harder into her eggs and wrapped Cedric's arm around her, which then ripped from his body - an action that went unnoticed by her.

"Oh him?" Draco asked turning back to Ginny, "yeah I forgot about him. He's my long lost cousin-brother. I think Dumbledore said my mum slept with Sirius Black when they were 15 and he was the result."

"Umm, no. He didn't mention it," Ginny said giving Draco a weird look, "Anyway, here's the plan. We're going out of the Inquisition's smoke hole up onto the Gryffindor table. They've agreed to move their barbeque out of the way for a moment so we can climb through. Then once we're up there, I'm going to huff some paint thinner and beat the crap out of that slut."

Ginny gestured to the paper bag in her right hand.

"Firstly," Draco began with a sigh, his slacks wrinkling by the minute as he crouched on the floor, "no paint thinner. I think that's half the reason Harry has virtually no good judgement or logical skills. And secondofly, that slut you're talking about is my arch nemesis. So, yeah. Once you go up there and remove Harry, I'll reckon with Tom. I mean Riddlemort."

"Whatever, let's just get that bitch off my man," Ginny shrugged and tossed the paper bag into the fire, which blasted her and Draco and most of the inquisition out of the hole onto the table, as well as showering themselves and the surrounding students with food. Ginny flicked some bits of toast from her breasts and scrambled on all fours down the table. Upon reaching Harry, she ripped him by his hair off of Riddlemort, dragging him kicking and screaming backwards. Draco following Ginny's lead, clambered after her off the table and leapt onto Riddlemort.

"That's my boy… I mean girl, I mean arch nemesis you're stealing. He's mine!" Draco screamed as Riddlemort blocked Draco's slaps with his forearms. Snape stared at his favorite student in a mix of pity and embarassment, and tried not to take off points from Slytherin for sullying the house image. Snape wasn't much of a fighter himself, but he could still hold his own in a bitch fight and Draco was looking pretty pathetic out there. He pursed his lips and scanned the increasingly active crowd. He noted that the Weasley boy and Granger were sitting several places apart from each other, and took special delight in the idea of a possible break up. He took out a hairbrush and began quickly whipping it through his greasy hair. It did no good. The greasy sections clumped together even more in an oily mess, it was fucking nasty yo. Halfway through flossing his teeth, he remember Grange's meat breath and shuddered._ I mean, her parents were dentists for gods sake! _He slowly sunk under the table when he noticed she was starting to eye him at the table, complete with suggestive hand motions.

"Alright! Alright! You can have him!" Harry's girlish voice screeched from down the hall, interrupting Hermione and Snape's uncomfortable exchange. Ginny beamed triumphantly and leapt off Harry who she had pinned to the floor. When Harry got to his feet he realized that Ginny and Riddlemort were making out, but more importantly that Draco was no longer crying and trying to slap Tom - he was several feet away at the Gryffindor table, whispering into Sasha Tuberculosis' ear and brushing her soft waves of blonde hair out of her eyes. Sasha had wandered over to the fray to see if she could stop Draco making a fool of himself because he was too hot to risk looking like a pitiful loser - and she was only interested in the hot bad boys, though everyone on the good side loverrrrreeeddd her and wanted her too. Draco immediately responded to the fair maiden lady of the night, and was flattered that such an American exchange student would be so interested in his reputation. Certainly Harry wasn't, she giggled attractively, basking in Draco's attention, before she stuck her tongue out in a way that everyone thought was cute - and winning. Tom found it reminiscent of an 8-year old and less than charming.

"THAT BITCH!" Harry screamed across the hall, sprinted over, and grabbed a handful of her straw colored hair with black streaks. He yanked it back and was scratching her face - more ferociously than when he was fighting Ginny, suddenly Draco was distracted as he realized Tom was looking over his shoulder at Jay-don Jaques Louis who had stood up from the Ravenclaw table to drag Harry off of a bleeding Trelawney's niece. Jay-don Louis felt obligated to help another exchange student, especially one that had given him a decent blow job on the train.

Getting a proper look at Harry, Jay-don Louis helped him to his feet. Jay-don brushed his hand over Harry's waist, and in seconds Jay-don Louis was knocked to the floor rabidly by Draco Malfoy. However, before they knew it Jay-don Louis and Malfoy were passionately kissing on the floor. Everyone in the Great Hall collectively gasped. Blaise Zambini looked disgusted, and glancing to his left, grew even more disgusted when he noticed Pansy staring at the rabid and passionate cousin-brothers with ill-disguised lust. Fred and George, who were taking turns teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts, clapped and looked on proudly.

Ginny realized with horror that Draco is hooking up with his own cousin-brother as Harry cried hysterically, and comes to his rescue. She sinks her nails into Jay-don Louis' back and rips his simple yet sophisticated grayish blue v-neck tee.

Whilst Ginny and Draco are occupied in a screaming match about family re-unions, proper attire at school, and how it doesn't count if you're related. Harry scuttled sheepishly yet flirtatiously over to Tom… I mean Riddlemort. He flashed his charmingly white smile, and once again Harry is under his spell. Who wouldn't be? Volderz is so hott after his new procedure.

"Look, you slag," Draco said breathlessly, getting to his feet, and pointed over to Tom feeling up Harry against the wall behind the Ravenclaw table, "That is why you don't get on my case about accidentally making out with my cousin-brother. It leaves them alone!"

"It was for Harry!" Ginny yelled waving her hands in the air dramatically. Draco was already on it though, he jumped onto what remained of the Hufflepuff table, swung on a chandelier as the table crumbled under his feet - vaulting him into the air, and tackled Riddlemort mid fondle, knocking him cleanly to the ground and leaving Harry free to flirtatiously bat his eyes at Jay-DON Louis.

"Oh, for fucks sake, Harry!" Draco sighed, as he pulled himself off Tom, who was eyeing Draco with some consideration finally. After all they did like, hook up two weeks ago….

Before Jaydon Louis could get any closer to Harry, Draco grabs him by the back of his weave and drags him away. Jaydon Louis tries to punch Draco for taking Harry's precious bosoms out of his grasp, but being an French aristocrat fails and instead punches Harry squarely on the nose.

Draco is boredly comforts a sobbing Harry, and trying to catch anyone's eye over Harry's mess of tangled weave, Jaydon Louis spies Seamus' hair poking out from under the Gryffindor table. Tapping him in the shoulder, Jaydon asks if he has the time. Before Dean could say 'codswallop' Seamus had squeezed himself out from under the table, and grabbed Jaydon. They were sloppily swapping spit across the bench at the Gryffindor table, and Seamus had nearly removed his own shirt.

Dean. Who has never in the entire Harry Potter series ever been angry, fumed. Dean fumed so much he drew a picture of what happened, just so he could properly illustrate to Seamus how angry he was. Then, he wrote an entry in his journal about his motivations for drawing the piece. THEN he cracked his knuckles and strode over to Jay-don and Seamus.

"I'm sorry, but I believe you have the wrong man. You see, Seamus and I are kind of together," Dean said politely after tapping Jaydon on the shoulder.

Jaydon's mistake was to ignore Dean for several taps and hints at Seamus being taken.

"ALRIGHT YOU FUCKING WANKER!" Dean yelled echoing all around the Great Hall and up into the castle. The pandemonium/breakfast that was going on the Great Hall stopped, and Dumbledore paused Gilmore Girls, fearing his suspicions about the Balrog were indeed correct.

Dean began sinking his fists into Jaydon Louis' face torso, and Draco - seeing a moment to impress his cousin-brother jumped to his rescue, once again leaving Harry and Ginny to battle it out in a love-triangle for Tom. Hearing the din in the Great Hall, and fearing the worst, Dumbledore slipped on his fuzzy pink kitten heels and silk robe, and he clacked loudly tearing through the hallways. He wrenched open the doors, and on of his beard - rollers tumbled to the floor as he stared at the scene unfolding.

Minerva McGonagall was holding part of a broken bench over her head, trying her best to land a blow on Madame Pomfrey who was tossing bits of potato at her. Grindelwald had escaped from prison and danced devilishly around the two. He was hoping for a reconciliation and a canoodle sesh with Dumblez, but Dumbledore was pretty pissed that he stole the staircase and left in the middle of the night after they hooked up. Contentedly, he decided he would rather watch Minerva, Pomfrey, and Grindelwald battle it out. That was his mistake.

Once seeing Hermione, the geriatric Grindlewald was smitten. Her bushy brown hair, buck teeth, and meat breath were exactly what he found attractive in a woman. Not to mention she was still trying to read at the Gryffindor table as the fray bubbled around her. Slowly the bemused smile on Dumbledore's face melted, as he recognized the enchanted expression on Grindelwald's face - one that he had seen Grindelwald giving him long ago. Grindelwald, noticing Dumbledore had finally showed up, moved towards him. They both had a lot of explaining to do.

Meanwhile, it was now Harry that was having to fight people Draco was interested it, and this sort of free-feelings for someone/mild lusty fight session had caught on with the rest of Hogwarts. Everywhere you looked there was someone yelling, "HE'S MINE, YOU STUPID SLAG!" or "GET OFF MY GIRL, YOU BLEEDING SOD."

Lisa Turpin had decided that she was interested in 'Cedric' as well. She loved his ability to listen, and had been secretly meeting up with him under Cho's bed. Cho was furious, she was trying to land jabs with a butterknife and Lisa was flinging plates and silverware at her. Cedric's body remained unmoving, until Ginny took it to hide an onslaught of teenage boys and girls angry that she had just gotten to second base with Jay-don Louis. Draco had mixed feelings. He knew he shouldn't be hooking up with his cousin-brother - they were related after all... so it didn't count, and so shouldn't be mad at Ginny, but there were still feelings there... and then he remembered Harry might have feelings for Tom.

Draco scanned the hall for Harry, until his eyes fell upon fuchsia stilletto and silky leg sticking out from under a stray bench. He ran over and began dragging the foot away, only for him to realize that it was Daphne Greengrass making out with Tom. For whatever reason, Draco noticed it also made him jealous, and came to the realization that he wanted Tom for himself. He dragged Daphne all the way onto a nearby Hagrid, who was beached under the wreckage of the table drunk again, reeking of firewhisky and trying to see up Millicent Bullstrode's robes. Daphne shrugged.

Draco maniacally sprinted over to Tom and leaped on top of him. Tom grinned, "I was wondering when you'd come around."

As Dumbledore and Grindelwald were finishing their unfinished business - they danced circle's around each other, waving their arms to emphasize their different interpretations of their combative interpretive dance move, explosions were flying left and right. More students bitch fighting over someone or other they were trying to hook up with, were starting to turn and face the majestic elegance of free flowing dance form that was beginning to shake the castle. Before anyone knew it, there was a massive boom and the noise of stone grinding on stone. Everyone panicked as bits of stone began falling from the walls and the ceiling. Dumbledore snapped out of his trance, and yelled to Grindelwald, "It's TRUE! It's coming! Gothmog is here!"

Grindelwald dropped the ribbon he was delicately trailing around the room. Students and teachers were diving behind what was left of the furniture. Hermione and Snape were making out without abandon, much to Grindelwald and Ron's dismay, before Snape decided that even if it was the end of the world, until she brushed her teeth, Hermione Granger was out of his danger zone. Suddenly Falsardyannwe burst forth through the great double doors, careening in front of Harry in a blaze of glory, alight like the stars, sparkling, shiny and new, glowing, and majestic (A/N: you get the point).

Ginny, seizing her opportunity, shoved Harry onto the staircase - failing to notice that Draco and Tom were clinging to one another, mouths pressed together, with their eyes closed. Draco clutched Tom's handsome face, and pulled him further into his embrace. When Harry made contact with the staircase as he fell, immediately white light burst out, blinding everyone in the room. The next thing they saw was Falsardyannwe retreating out of the doors, and a crumpled form lying on the stone floor. The entire hall stared as the form shook his head and began to look around. A teenage boy with black hair, wearing a sparkly dress that was stretched out in the chest area, squinted around the room. Another collective gasp as all of Hogwarts realized Harry was now a boy again. A lone sock fluttered down from the ceiling, and dropped to the floor in front of Harry. He carefully leant down and picked it up. Glancing, around the room, he noticed everyone had returned to their respective bitch fights. Nothing had changed, except he was no longer wearing his sock and he was no longer a woman.

What happened after... well you can read here ... down there... yeah. I'm not going to bore you all with the details, so here's the gist.

Once Harry was a boy again, the bitch fighting continued:

Harry fights Draco for Tom

Draco fights Harry for Tom

Ginny fights Harry, Draco, and Tom for long lost cousin-brother Jaydon Louis

Long lost cousin-brother fights Harry for Draco

Ron, Snape, Crabbe, Goyle, the Creevies, a dementor, and Peter Pettigrew fight for Hermione.

Trelawney's neice fights Ginny for Draco & Ron

Everyone at Hogwart's throws rotten eggs at Alexis-Katelynne for being nauseatingly perfect

Ginny fights Harry's twin sister for Tom

Lee Jordan fights Fred for George

Most importante: The staircase comes back & Harry gets turned back into a girl because Harry's twin sister pushes him into the staircase again, but then turns into a boy too because Harry drags her after him.

* * *

Well, that's all for now.

I cannot say who won each of these, but I can say it was a fair fight. **Coming up next:** find out who won the fights, who is the bitch and who isn't. Find out why Lucius Malfoy wasn't involved in the fights this year. Find out why Cornelius Fudge hasn't been back to Hogwarts. since his embarrassing incident with a call girl dressed as a Ravenclaw. Who was it that alerted the Daily Prophet that Harry was a boy once again, and WILL GRINDELWALD AND DUMBLEDORE REKINDLE THEIR FIRE OR WILL HERMIONE GRANGER GET IN THE WAY! Oh, and most importantly, Dumbledore DIDN'T cancel the cabaret/ball to celebrate Harry's womanhood, because Harry did indeed become a woman again.

All coming up when I get at least one review. Muah!


	18. Oh What a Tangled Web

So this is Christmas- Ladies and Gents who have been with this story for years, and it's been in and out of commission constantly, congratulations. It's been wonderful, and I'm so glad I could make all 2 of you laugh. I personally think this story is funny, it does get my goat. It just doesn't have the feedback I would have hoped. No one likes to laugh alone.

This is my formal offer for a beta, specialties in comedy and story structure for the beginnings of this story - for those parts created before 2010. If there is a demand/volunteer beta those chapters will be re-done so that someone starting from the beginning will understand what's going on now. My insanity was far less pervasive then. So if you think you're up to it, let me know. If not... this story has got to go... at the very least it will become a private passtime. I don't know. This is a rant.

Call me ; D

If u like what i do, den drop me a review, if u dont like then oh wells drop me tat review too. Kiss kiss. Oila!

* * *

The next day found Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy in marriage counseling with Madame Pomfrey. The previous night, Narcissa had dragged Lucius away from all the fighting, despite his powerful passive aggressive bitch fighting techniques, such posting on twitter that Harry is a slut, texting Ginny Harry's whereabouts at all times, and facebook messaging Volderz that Draco was really much better looking than Harry - not to mention hacking Cornelius Fudge's myspace and uploading incriminating photos of Fudge and several witches of questionable ages. Needless to say, Narcissa was upset.

"I'm not even a doctor, you might want to try seeing a therapist or at least someone more qualified than myself I'm just a nurse-"

Madame Pomfrey was interrupted by Lucius blowing a spitball through a scarf transfigured into a straw, landing on her forehead. She scowled and wiped it off.

"Now that is exactly what I'm talking about!" Narcissa added shrilly, "It's like he's regressed. He's not the proud man with the teddy undergarments I once met. He's been trying on all my clothes, and stretching them out in the chest, just in case he 'accidentally' has an altercation with that confounded staircase and grows breasts! Are mine not good enough for you anymore?"

"No, Cissy! Of course they are, I've just -" Lucius' eyes glazed over with a faraway expression.

"What, Lucius? What? What do you expect me to believe? First, you're draining all our bank accounts to invest in this 'Brittney Spears Dark Arts Center' and suddenly you're throwing up in public and cavorting about Hogwart's... _where we no longer attend_, trying to regain some vestiges of your past! You are shaming our family, and I thought Belatrix was bad... trying to get with that snake-person of a Dark Lord, and losing her virginity to-"

Narcissa fell silent, realizing she was going somewhere she didn't like. Lucius perked up, "Who! You have got to tell me!"

"No, Lucius, I absolutely do not! That's my point! You don't listen to me, you're all over that... that elkratronic telefonation device twattering about and you don't even hear anything I say!"

Narcissa was becoming more and more distressed as Madame Pomfrey tried to tell the couple that she failed out of Medi-Witch School and that's why she taught of Hogwarts - and in no way shape or form was she qualified as a marriage counselor.

But Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy were not known for their attention to detail. Narcissa was known for her delicious cookies, and Lucius Malfoy was known for his _long _blonde locks and white teeth. Not to mention his ability to squeeze out of tight situations, such as avoiding Azkaban and then escaping when he was sent there.

"And, must you constantly be sending beems to the Dark Lord! I _know_ it's not work related, and ever since he restored his old body... well let's just say I have _some_ idea how inappropriate you've been getting!"

"Whoa, whoooooaaaa," Lucius held up his hand, tearing his eyes away from the screen of his blackberry, "Let's rewind here, _how _exactly do you know this, _Narcissa_?

He rarely used Narcissa's whole name, just when she was getting him upset, which was usually never. So pretty much he never used her first name... except when they met. After she had a baby with Sirius Black who they sent to France.

"Um," Narcissa coughed politely, "well, I was checking in on the matter," she began, but quickly got defensive when Lucius' face turned purple with what was most likely embarrassment and 10% betrayal.

"Lucius! I was wondering why you spent all that time staring into your hand! Do you know what it's like to hear that your husband tries on all your clothes! And so, I looked around and found out you have been sending the Dark Lord all sorts of beems and face book letters, all about how good he looks and how well he's adjusting to his new body... and for gods sake sending him marriage proposals for Draco so you can, I quote, live vicariously through him!"

At this, Madame Pomfrey, who had been debating sneaking out of the room - snapped her attention back to the scene that had unfolded and was beating itself about the head. She looked rather dumbstruck, though she fumbled for a quill; once she found one she smacked her lips loudly and hastily began scribbling down notes for Rita Skeeter's gossip column.

"Now, Narcissa, may I call you that? Yes, ok - how long have you been feeling this way then?" Madame Pomfrey interrupted the escalating argument about privacy and sexting.

* * *

Meanwhile, Harry was practicing his routine for the talent show on _the_ staircase. He had found his new-found old-found womanhood confusing, _and_ the fact that Draco ditched Harry, after finding out his cousin-brother was into him, didn't make things any easier. He sang loudly down the empty corridor, waving his arms:

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard (ahhh yea)

And they like it's betta than ya's - they like it's betta than ya's

I could teach you but I'd have ta charge…

La La, La La LA… SHIMMY!

"No, no, no!" screamed Ginny, clamping her hand in front of her eyes. Harry was doing it all wrong.

"You HAVE to slut it up!"

"But, I am! I just did a quick tit flash at the end of the shimmy!" Harry said pouting with his perfectly arched lips.

"Listen, Harry. I have a lot of experience in this field. I know what I'm doing, and from what I can tell this just isn't going to cut it. This is the Dumbledorian Showcase of Acedemia, not of profound wizardry and excellence. It's gotta be hot if you're tring to win back Draco from his 3rd cousin or whatever the hell that is and take home the crown!"

"Well what makes you so slutty and such a gyrational floozy?" Harry said becoming defensive that his arrhythmic thrusting was not as seemingly enticing as he was envisioning in his head. He was miserably the envy of every girl and bi-curious guy in the school. Hermione was right, he was simply all timeless beauty and elegance, but he wasn't versatile. He was no Christina Aguilera.

"I'll have you know that I've been with every Griffindor guy above 3rd year, save the Creevy's, gone through all of Slytherin, half of Ravenclaw, several of Draco's exchange cousins, Trelawny's niece, all of my brothers, and Seamus Finnigan on the side. I KNOW permiscuity- NOT to mention I bagged Riddlemort first. I thought you were Harry Potter the guy, er yeah, who never backs down! I thought when you tried that you settled with winning and nothing less… I thought…" Ginny's motivational speech was reaching a climax, and Harry's eyes grew wide as he loudly and throatily yelled over her with resonance.

"Well you thought right! I'm going to contend in this Dumbledorian... Triwizard Academican Cup –"

"Harry it's the Dumbledorian Academic Showcase… you won the cup, remember!" Ginny corrected him, exasperated and losing her enthusiasm, he was starting to get the vacant look on his face which indicated long-term and possibly permanent memory loss from his casual and pervasive former dependency on inhalants.

"Rrrright! That's what I meant!" Harry said triumphantly rolling his Rs, "Anyway, where was I, oh yes, right before the montage! Cue music! I'm going to go out there and show this school of dirty old slags who is the dirtiest most famous whoriest one of them all!"

Ginny was inspired once more and began clapping loudly, echoing around the empty stairwell.

"I'm going to get out there and win back Riddlemort!" Harry held his/her fist triumphantly in the air.

"_Harry_," Ginny said warningly, "you mean Draco. You're going to go back out there and win Draco back from his cousin…. RIGHT?"

"Oh," Harry replied distractedly, "yes, yes, Draco. The blonde haired bloke." Harry was thinking of a certain brunette with a long plush moustache he yearned to sink his nose into. A certain brunette with 6 pack abs and a designer horcrux collection.

Ginny was glaring daggers at Harry with her hands on her hips. Ginny's sassy whorish hair wouldn't be enough if Harry, with his natural beauty (almond shaped emerald green eyes with bits of blue floating around like sediment, and creamy white skin with no blemishes and a spattering of light brown freckles on his nose. His eyebrows were the perfect shape, length, and width - no one could compete. His mouth was the color of a fresh cherry after it had been bitten into, and… you catchy my drift I'm sure. It's kind of a tsunami at this point).

Ginny's fire crotch could only attract so much attention. So she had dyed streaks of darker red and oranges in there with some purple extension highlights to make her downstairs look exotic. She had given up her wild spirit lifestyle in favor or a push up bra and mini-dress. She had begun tanning, in Dumbledore's new tanning studio and beauty salon he opened on the 4th floor, called **Dumble-Rumple-tint-skin.** Most of the boys above 4th year were salivating after her, but it wouldn't be enough if Harry's 3 inch fake french manicured nails were trying to snatch up Riddlemort in their clawed grasp.

With every practice, Harry was becoming more and more her rival for Riddlemort. Harry initially had come to her crying in the library, getting them both thrown out by Madame Pince. And then after being kicked out, Harry dragged Ginny to moaning Myrtle's bathroom, where both Harry and Myrtle wailed about Malfoy for a good 45 minutes. Eventually it came out of the woodwork that Malfoy had moved on from Harry, and was now 'fighting' with his cousin, and sometimes with Alexis Krabs or whatever her name was. Jaydon Louis had proved fairly difficult for Draco and half of the school to resist. I mean, he did share around a quarter of Draco's DNA... so he was pretty hot.

Trying to get Harry to focus on the task at hand, but most importantly the reason for the task at hand, Ginny tried a different tactic.

"Harry, I didn't want to tell you this, but at this point I have to," Ginny's voice turned serious, and she looked up and down the hall theatrically, knowing it was empty.

"What?" Harry blinked his false eyelashes wildly, "Tell me! You have to!"

"Well, I heard Draco was dating all of the exchange students, and that he's planning on taking at least one of them to Dumbledore's Showcase of Acedemia. I mean, there's a rumor in the works that Beauxbaton and maybe even Durmstrang are sending their best students!"

"Whaaaaaattt?" Harry shook his head and curly locks, "You mean Viktor Krum will be here?" His eyes fogged over, and Ginny could tell he was poorly trying to plan some bit ruse.

"Harry, I don't think Hermione will take it too well if you're lusting after her ex," Ginny pointed out.

"Well she doesn't have to know, I mean, this song has to be directed at some sexy man I have my eye on," Harry reasoned.

Ginny, seeing Harry's implication before it was actually out in the open, stalled, "Well, ummmm, yeah I think it best if you direct your attention to everyone in the hall.. you know giving everyone the option to uh, take you up on your offer."

Ginny Weasley cringed internally, this situation was starting to turn into the train-wreck she feared. Riddlemort wouldn't be able to resist. But then, a thought began to blossom in her head, and she realized several things at once - mainly, that Riddlemort wasn't worth going after, since he was Tom Riddle maybe he and Harry _were_ supposed to be together, maybe she couldn't get in the way of that. Plus, any guy that's willing to ditch her just because...

at that point, her train of thought became de-railed... any guy would ditch a girl if someone better came along. She didn't know whether that meant she had to find a decent guy, or that all men were hopeless, but she felt deflated. She would need to prove herself at the talent show, she would need to show the world what Ginny-tagalong-you're not old enough Weasley was capable of! She would need to work twice as hard as Harry. And to do that she needed...

"Hermione hasn't even been dating Krum for years! I mean they still talk, but who cares. Talking is talking - you and me are talking," Harry smiled pleasantly at Ginny before continuing, "I think she's with Ron, but I've heard rumors of her and Grindelwald beginning a torrid affair behind Dumbledore's back, though he seems to know everything so..."

Harry was stumped, clearly late and missed the last train of thought leaving from the station. That should teach Harry, to catch the_ train of though_t to **mouth and sentence projection** you had to be on time.

Ginny evaluated Harry with her aubergine pubic hair and light brown eyes dancing in the candlelight. Ginny wasn't going to sabotage Harry, per se... she just needed an advantage. It wasn't about Tom anymore, it wasn't about anyone - it was about pride. Everyone who was anyone would be at the showcase, and she needed to show them why it was that Harry Potter had come to _her_ for help. She was going to show everyone that you didn't need some flakey hot bloke to waste time on, that either all men are constantly terrible and led astray or prove that indeed there was someone decent out there who wanted her for who she was - she hadn't decided yet. For now though, she would have to steer Harry clear of Riddlemort, because she still didn't want to lose him to Harry.

"You're right, but you have to be careful, I've heard an ancient prophesy Trelawny gave last week," she paused to gain Harry's rapt attention, "that should Draco begin to actually date someone else, you will fade into his background into someone that just bullied him in high school. He will get married, and have children, you will be stuck alone as a spinster chasing after a madman or will have your penis back and... well god knows what you actually do with your penis and those socks..."

"Ginny! I'm sorry to inform you that it is only one sock," Harry snapped, "I only have one magic sock, or at least I did - until I turned into this advantageous life form." Harry posed using his hands to emphasize his beauty, and Ginny rolled her eyes.

"Harry, being a girl isn't advantageous. You have to courteously deal with other _girls_ stealing your mean, you have to put on make up all the time, shave, constantly buy clothes... wait you've already dealt with all of this, even before you became a woman," Ginny paused, puzzled for a moment before another rapid revelation, and then pressed forward even more dramatically, "you have to bleed out of your vagina once a month for a week."

"WHHHHHHHHHHHHHAATATAT! You have GOT to be kidding me!" Harry's eyes bulged wide in a most unflattering manner, "Ginny, ok, you got me! Sometimes I think you could rival Fred and George, but bleeding out of my vajayjay... I don't think so."

"Yes, Harry, that is what a period is," Ginny kindly explained, and a looked of sudden comprehension dawned on Harry's features. Harry slumped to the floor and cradled his head in his hands.

"So this is what all you girls have been complaining about for years, Hermione just told me an' Ron it was some sort of women's club and we needed to stop being so nosy."

"Well, that's the truth, and god help us if you get your period before the show. You'll be bloated, your hot pants won't fit right, your confidence will fall through the floor, and your moodiness will leave you unable to held accountable for rational decisions. The best we can do is hope for the best, and get you as much tramp training as we can get. I don't know that I can give it to you, but I can help - though not right now," Ginny checked her non-existent watch, "I have a meeting with Snape."

Harrys eye's bulged again, and he stared at her incredulously, "SNAPE? What the hell Ginny, he's so nasty - not even your nasty nest of fire is worth that trouble!

Ginny's eyes narrowed at Harry, "My 'nasty nest of fire' I'm told is my secret weapon. And you better wish that you are blessed with such sex appeal when you make a fool of yourself on Sunday, because if you keep this up, I'll make sure no one is into your catastrophy, timeless beauty or otherwise."

"Listen, I'm sorry, " Harry back down, "what you've got going on down there is none of my business. I could see how it is a bit of a man-trap, and considering your past sexual history, you're the man, er, woman for the job. Just tell me what I have to do to win Draco back or at the very least steal his hot cousin-brother."

"Ok, Ginny said reluctantly willing to have Harry eating out of her palm again, "Tomorrow we'll go over the steps again, but in the mean time you _have _to practice. This isn't a game - I heard Draco made it to 3rd base under a tree in Hogsmead outside Zonkos with Alexis Katellyen and they listened to her ipod.

Harry's eyes flashed threateningly as he climbed back up the staircase to take it from the top, "that bitch don't stand a chance!"

Ginny smiled tightly, the cogs in her head, considerably more greased that Harry's, were beginning to whir faster and faster. Hermione would help her, Hermione after all was the smartest at Hogwarts... next to Dumbledore... wait a minute, no that wouldn't work, Dumbledore wants Grindelwald back, everything would have to get a _bit _more complicated. Ginny sifted through the recent victories and defeats of the mass bitch fight, hoping to find some sort of competitive edge.

Draco lost Harry to Riddlemort, who decided not to pick sides, but was generally content to continue to date Ginny as well.

Draco, discouraged and shamed, sought comfort in his sexually irristable cousin-brother, as well as the skanky emo-intellectual Alexis Kaetealinn and Sasha Tuberculosis.

_Hmmm_, Ginny thought, _ no edge there... except a subtle manipulation of Harry. _Grindelwald and Hermione were now casually dating on the side, despite Grindelwald telling Dumbledore he wanted to work it out. Hermione was also continuing to date Ron who was just as clueless as ever... though she overheard Dumbledore talking to himself earlier that day about telling Ron so that they could team up... Ginny decided that she would have to get in on that to ultimately get Dumbledore or Hermione to help her.

Ron was trying to rid himself from Lavender, who he had once again slept with to make Hermione jealous for her sleeping with Snape, and entertaining Grindelwald's propositions - apparently less clueless than Ginny thought, it was hard to keep track of these things.

No, she would team up with Hermione to stop Harry from moving in on Viktor Krum (I mean, who goes after their best friend's ex without asking?) and get some really good feedback on her own routine - this little turn of events would put Hermione on her side, then for Dumbledore's sake she'll convince Hermione that maybe Viktor would want a second go - leaving Dumbledore satisfied with Grindelwald in his arms... Dumbledore would then agree to go over her new and improved-by-Hermione routine for perfection.

Then, she would conspire with Draco to make Harry jealous of the fact that two people he is close to suddenly start 'dating' to increase the jealousy towards Draco's polyamorous relations by 10 fold, also an old Weasley principle called 'forecasting.' She would also be using Moaning Myrtle to relay to Harry how especially cute Ginny and Draco were as a couple. Though, they would have to tell her it was a sham, or Myrtle would kill Ginny.

She was sure Draco would go for it, as clearly Draco was being a man-whore to make Harry jealous, and maybe get Riddlemort to take notice. Also, Ginny hadn't banged Draco yet, so it would be the perfect time to try that as well adding a whole 20 points to her composite slut score. And with Harry and Draco together, she didn't have to worry about Harry being a backstabbing slut to most of the people he/she loved.

_Let's see what else happened,_ Ginny thought pensively. Ron and Draco were teamed up for like 5 minutes 'fighting' on the floor in a misguided attempt at making Hermione jealou, but She was too focused on Grindelwald's jiggling junk in the front (spandex tights with a middriff tee was a bad choice - though not to Hermione) to notice_, _which turned into Ginny joining in the cousin-brothers'on their fun - But Sasha Tuberculosis couldn't resist and in her envy of Ginny's vivacious minxy ways, tried to bite her. Fearing Sascha Turberculosis tuberculosis, Ginny surrendered and backed out into the fray... _well in the long run at least I'll win! I'm going to sex it up with Draco to make Harry jealous to make her jealous. Once they're not after Tom, and are distracted with eachother's betrayal, I can get in on Tom. _

_Then I will get with long lost cousin-brother to make all of them jealous, because secretly everyone has the hots for him too._

She would then get Grindelwald, who will be the pre-show fashion designer, make up artist, and scheduler to make sure Harry goes after Lee Jordan (the hot mess) after his make-over. This will embarrass Harry himself publicly and distract both Fred and George with confusion. Just in time for Hermione to make a move on Snape, getting Crabbe, Goyle, the creevies, Peter Pettigrew and Grindelwald upset. So that Dumbledore will then help her out with getting Harry back into the staircase by distracting him with the possibility of another sock, so that he will be turned into a boy again after being shoved into the staircase by Goyle, who is taking his research to Phase III clinical trials to impress Hermione and keep Harry from dating Krum - then the only person that Harry will be able to steal would be Draco, and maybe Riddlemort on occasion. But everyone knows, Tom Riddle only likes to make out with barely of age teenage boys, and not much further.

Harry's twin sister would be the problem, Fred and George would be interested in her adorably trickster ways, leaving Lee Jordan all alone - driving a further wedge between Seamus and Dean. Seamus can't resist Lee, and Dean would be all over hot cousin-brother Jaydon. Dumbledore will be renewed with fervor because of Hermione and Snape's new relationship that Grindelwald will be off Hermione's market (as per Dumbledore's and Ginny's agreement), leaving Ron to go for Pansy to get rid of Lavender Brown. Snape will grow tired of Hermione's breath leaving her up for grabs at the same time Pansy will re-attach to Goyle and Ron will take Hermione back.

Harry and Draco, back together, as boys. Ginny, ready to go back to being single and leaving one dumped Tom Riddle behind.

It was a perfect plan.

* * *

But no one expects the Spanish Inquisition... 


End file.
